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What is the best way to deal with losing my best friend to his girlfriend?
One year ago my best male friend (of many years) told me his feelings were not exactly 'friendly', but I couldn't reciprocate. I also have a boyfriend whom I love and had been with for 3 years.
I never had romantic feelings for my friend, but I am very attached to him as I have always wanted a brother or sister and he filled this void, emotionally speaking, exactly like a brother. We'd see each other almost daily and have fun, and be there for each other. Things have gotten a bit rocky eversince he told me the truth and he had a hard time understanding that I didn't feel that way. To this day, he refuses to meet my boyfriend.
Finally, 6 months ago he got a girlfriend, as I have strongly encouraged him to look elsewhere for romantic fulfillment. The problem is, he did it in order to get over me and not because he's in love. On top of everything, he thought it a good idea to confess his feeling about me to her. At least she made an informed choice.
Background info:This is a woman he had cut contact with 10 years ago, when he met and fell in love with me (said she suddenly seemed unattractive to him). Their present relationship started with her cheating on her fiancee with my friend. She moved in with my friend (she's from a far away village), who promised free housing and all costs included.
He admits to not being in love with her, and feeling the same about me. He does say he cares about her though. He barely writes to me anymore, or to any of his friends. When he does write he is always stressed out and convinced he's a bad partner, but he is giving this person a place to live for free, rides everywhere, nights out (he's not outgoing) and emotionally he is doing the best he can for her, since he feels guilty for not 'feeling it' 100%. Also, he tells me how she complains constantly of being 'bored' and how all his money goes on entertaining her, and whenever he wants to do sth for himself he feels guilty.
We see each other very rarely, and when we do it is always with her (at first she pretended to be ok with us hanging out alone, but she constantly made ridiculous scenes over it, so it's not happening anymore). She pretends a great deal. She manipulates him to the point where even he believes that she is not at all bothered by me. Despite obvious evidence.
I wouldn't actively do anything to change the course of their lives. It hurts me and it hurts to see him like this though. 6 months on, he still complains about 'not being able to find a balance between his personal life and other aspects of his life'.
His absence is even tougher for me since I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and this is exactly when my best friend is barely even there. He knows about my diagnosis and that worries me even more. I feel like all I ever was to him was the possibility of sex, and when that proved not to be the case, I became a disposable element, nothing more. I invested actual feelings of affection in him and was always there for him when he needed me. It hurts a lot.
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Is it that you are depressed because he is not in your life as before? You have a boyfriend. You have partnered up and he's not the partner though he wishes he was. Seeing you together with your boyfriend must be really hard on him. He has feelings just like you. YOur situation is one that c an't be resolved the way you are going.
A partnership of commitment and love whether married or not is based on two things, having the chemistry to be best of friends and the chemistry to feel romantic feelings for each other.
You both had the best friend thing. He also felt the romance part. You didn't.
Theres two ways to look at it when this happens. Either the guy is mistaken, thinking he feels love when it was only lust. But then such a guy wouldn't invest too much time being a best friend if all he wanted was sex dear. The boyfriend you say is a 3 yr thing but you didn't say how long this other guy was your best friend. Am I to assume that you've known each other much longer?
My take on this is that in your desire so badly to have a sibling and you thought you found one in him, that there is a chance that your mind just "friend zoned' him which subconsciously would have blocked any opportunities and chances for you to explore something beyond the best friends part of a committed couple. I suppose he hoped you would pick up on it, even after you got together with your boyfriend, hoping that at some point you'd see the truth, that you loved him too.
It was wishful thinking on his part and bad timing that he never told you sooner how he felt or even at the beginning when you met the other guy. I think its understandable, him not wanting to meet your boyfriend, because imagine how painful it would be for him to see you with the guy you chose, the man who gets to have you in his life the way he wished he could be. Wouldn't you feel the same if it were the other way around.
He may care about the other gal, maybe like a sister or cousin, but unless he's in love with her, ALL he's doing is using her to fill an empty spot in his life, the spot he wished you filled like a mate for him. So his will never be a good relationship if he stays.
You did not say if your 3 yr boyfriend is also a best friend for you? Is he only a romantic partner? If he is both, then you would not be missing the best friend part so badly that you would become depressed. My guess is that many marriages, you're in a situation where you have only one instead of both parts needed for a solid foundation to a relationship. Too many are in relationships with a lover sex is good, but they are not treated like a best friend, more like shit on the ground,while others have a best friend but there is no sex and they cheat and go outside a marriage for that. Neither is good. If you lack a boyfriend who is as great a best friend as the guy you're not with, then you are also settling for less. Getting the romance from bf but wanting to use your friend to just continue to fill the best friend part. While it is possible for people of opposite sex to be friends and neither have any romantic feelings for each other, if one does, then that messes it all up and it can never be the relationship either of you want because of you are wanting opposite things. So either you let him go and stop hanging with him to fulfil your best friend needs, or you may have to take a chance that may seem extreme. I don't know, just guessing at your current bf relationship. He may be a great guy and treat you well but if that best friend chemistry is missing for you with him, and it hasn't happened in 3 years, you just may be with the wrong guy. Romance and great sex is wonderful but it wont fulfill your other needs as you already know.
I am not saying the best friend is the answer. He may not be. But what I see hear, based only on what you say, is you didn't feel about him romantically, not whether you gave romance a chance to blossom. Not blaming you for anything dear. I've talked to many in the same situation, either the girl gets really jealous of any new girl her male best friend starts seeing or she becomes really depressed, not knowing why.
I have talked to enough girls who realized, that perhaps they had stuck the guy in the friend zone only because they didn't feel a big bang hot passionate desire and attraction for the guy when they first met. Yes, sometimes it means the chemistry is not there. But half the time its not so. If there is a feeling of passion at first meet, it could also be lust on both parts and yes females feel lust too, wanting so badly to bed a guy.
Others find a best friend first and because they don't feel that bang of lust at first sight, they assume there is no chance of falling in love with the person along the way. Some love starts as an ember and slowly grows to a blazing flame is you allow it and aren't afraid to give it a chance. The more time you spend with a person, you come to admire many things about them and can actually come to love them. Some girls have compartmentalized their feelings and have no idea that over time they also fell in love, not knowing cus it was subtle. But when there are strong feelings of loss, of jealousy or depression it may be, not a for sure sign, but may be that the girl loves the guy but just never saw him that way. Thats all I can think of dear. You can't be with one guy for the friendship and another for the romance. If there truly are no feelings for best friend, then perhaps both guys are not right for you and you need to seek one in whom you find both best friend and lover.
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