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I'm Scared My Family Will Find Out About My Boyfriend
I'm 17 years old, almost 18, and I've never dated anyone until now. My boyfriend is from Canada and I'm in the Northern part of the United States. We met online through a chat app, then after talking for a while, moved to Facebook. In total, we've been talking about six months and have doing text, voice, and video chatting. My family is extremely strict and say I'm not allowed to date or should focus on something that's not stupid, like school. Only two of my siblings, out of four, have ever dated and the others will not. I talk to my boyfriend on my phone and my mother wants to take my phone unless I'm at school. I'm not allowed to have a password and all of them will occasionally look through my phone or email. They would be extremely mad if they found out and not allow me to ever talk to him again, which I don't want. I know most will say move out but I don't have a car, I can't drive, and have no money. What can I do to keep them from finding out? Even if I told them truthfully, they'd have the same reaction. They're very religious and I'm basically the black sheep of the family, always getting yelled at. Thank you!
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Your 17, almost 18. Once you turn 18 you are an adult and can make your own decisions. I understand that even tho you will be an adult at 18 you cant fully take care of yourself as you'd like. I would suggest see if you can get a part time job, save some money and use that money to buy your own phone start saving up to get your own car, its time to be an adult and do what you have to do. It may sound hard and difficult and it will be life isnt easy, but if you want to get away from your strict family and live your own life and be happy you will have to strive to get it. Good luck, wish you the best.
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I come from a religious background..by choice, not parents but I saw enough to realize that what starts with good intentions, my self as an example as a parent, can easily grow over time to become a twisted distorted choices and laws and boundaries made out of the want to protect and raise our children right. I still want to cry and feel remorseful when I think of how one daughter told me her teacher was going to read Harry Potter to the class over the next few weeks and I told the teacher it went against our religious beliefs and I didn't want my daughter to listen to that story. The teacher said my daughter could bring a book of her own and sit out in the hallway by the classroom during the time she read to class. I feel so horrible now for putting my daugther through that. Luckily for them, thru a chance of events, I became more open minded spiritual and more into thinking for myself and questioning church stances by investigating for myself, rather than blindly taking in and believing what I was told at church. There is plenty literature out there and plenty of stories of the real facts when it comes to whats the best way to teach our children and with the internet, theres even more info. I don't know if your parents will ever wake up and I don't know that there is any way to hide what you do without them finding out. About the only thing I can think of depends on whether they will allow you to get a job. ONce you have your own money, buy your own phone where you prepay for the time you use. Use the phone they've given you for calling girlfriends. Hide and use yours to call him. Once you are 18, you can do as you wish. I understand if you have the need to live under their roof, at 18 or older, they will still attempt to call the shots and rule your life. What you could do if not going off to a college, is to start work and earn enough money to afford to rent a room in a house, lots of people make extra money in tight times doing this and most prefer to rent to college aged single people. Or at 18, get involved in a church of your own choosing so there can be no trickle back of info to your parents, and ask your pastor to help you find a congregation member who might like a little extra pocket money and will rent you a room, allowing you to live with them. And once out from under the parents roof, start dating.
Since your parents have shielded you from learning rather than allowing you to learn as you go and be there to give advice and support, you will need to self teach about dating, relationships, sex, everything. There are some good books out there, lots of helpful blogs, youtube websites and such but right now, until you are 18 and living out from under the parents roof, its going to be hard. ITs best to focus on learning the bus schedules for now, thinking of where it may be easiest to get a job as soon as you turn 18, and who you might reach out to for help in gaining your own independence for a place to live for cheap. Lastly is making new friends through work, not necessarily others like you at church, and a couple of friends getting an apt togehter with you to be able to afford one. Since you turn 18 soon, I'd say that is where your focus should be right now. Your family finding out after you are 18 and what they think or say or how they treat you is of no circumstance. The worst they could do is to shun you and want nothing to do with you. Its hurts. It happened to me once with MOm, with Dad after they divorced and one sister taking sides with believing dad for a period of time from many months to a year. It hurts but giving away control of my life to family or parents when I was an adult with kids of my own was not an option I would consider, even if given an ultimatum to do as they wish or lose them in my life. Blood is too thick for it to last forever. At some point, parents, though not happy you aren't following exactly the path they had planned for you, are still parents and will find after they get past the shock or hurt, that they are ready to want you back in their life. Sorry but I had to put in worst case scenerio as many young people write with parents giving them the ultimatum thing and feeling torn and so they cave in. Caving in would be the worst thing you can do for yourself. You are in control of your own life after you become an adult, not your parents. I have my own ideas about everything that differ from how my parents believed and did things to how my siblings did and still do. The only life you have the right and ability to change for the better is your own. Get used to the idea dear...it;ll be hard. But its not impossible and you do have God on your side. Keep HIM in your thoughts and talk to God even if you dont hear back cus like me, the day will come when all that practice talking one way will have strengthened that spiritual muscle so you find you are able to hear back, instantly like in a real conversation, not left hanging with no answer. God will be able to guide you in your decisions and what paths to take that will help your soul grow in the ways most beneficial to you in this life. God won't lead you wrong. When I asked God if I should marry my ex, He did say yes, it was okay. What i didn't know it that the man I was to marry would be verbally abusive and not ever be in love with me and knowing it beforehand. Looking back, I know God had this planned for me, an abusive marriage to create the harsh force that would compel me to grow in ways I couldnt have otherwise. I could have learned the lesson sooner and left the guy before having kids but I wasn't ready.
Trust God with your life decisions and paths over your parents, as parents are human and prone to making mistakes, sometimes grave errors in the raising of their kids, as I did. I did lots right too though because most the time, I was asking Gods advice. ANd so lastly, I advise you learn to hear back from God if you don't currently, as in real time conversation. I ask a thought in my head and Gods answer pops into my mind telepathically as soon as I've finished asking, no wondering or worrying if I am just hearing my own thoughts. Due to some things I was asked or told to do, it surely wasn't stuff I was brave enough to do at the time . It takes constant talking to but not hearing back for months maybe a year before you develop that spiritual muscle that allows you to fine tune yourself to be able to hear the answers that were always coming back but you werent able to hear before. Having God for advice or just to encourage has been the biggest thing in my life that has been with me step by step helping me become the person I am today. Good luck dear and if you feel the need to talk about anything else, I will be here.
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