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I'm back...and still lonely....
Hi Dan,
Remember me? I sent you a couple questions last week about being lonely and disconnected and a whole lot of other issues I've been having......
Anyways, I thought I would introduce myself...my online name is evm987 (I don't think you see that when I ask a question...) and my actual name is Esther. My online name doesn't really say much about me...e for Esther, vm are my other initials, 98 stands for 1998, my birth year, and 7 just happens to be my favourite number (cliche I know, but it's been my favourite since I was six, so...)
Wow...your story about trust issues is really complex and sad...my issues don't really have a story behind them...honestly I don't really have any idea why I have trust issues...actually I have an idea...I think there is a possibility I might have social anxiety, because I have read about it and the symptoms, and a lot of it sounds like me...
other than that, I have no explanation for trust issues. I have had them for as long as I can remember. Although there was one time I tried to get past them. I was on a church Youth Retreat, in a small group and we were having a pretty deep discussion. I looked around the group, considering whether or not I trusted the people there enough to say what was on my mind, and I decided it was safe enough to say something kind of personal. Not twenty minutes later, I was in a room with a bigger group, and the person from my small group I trusted the most started telling the people about what I had revealed, making fun of me and obviously unaware that I was in the room. That incident really hurt me, and I'm pretty sure it didn't help me in getting over trust issues at all. It's not like what I said was so personal that people knowing was so bad, but the issue was that I chose to trust him and then he went and made fun of me "behind my back" even though I was right there! This is about a year ago now, and I am still sort of kind of friends with the guy, but it took a really long time after that incident before I could talk to him normally again....
Anyways that's not what I was here for...I am still just so lonely. It is starting to bother me a lot. The thing is, I'm not lonely all the time. During the day I'm fine. Well not quite fine, but I am mostly functional and I can talk to people and do my everyday tasks. I still feel like I am in a cloud of emotions, and I find it very difficult to get any homework done. To any onlookers, I am fine. But in the evening, pretty regularly, the loneliness (I don't even know if it is actually loneliness or just a wave of emotion that my brain doesn't know how to handle) hits me hard. I start crying, often with no real trigger, and I can't really function. This means that again my homework can't get done. I will cry for quite a while, but every time someone comes into the room, I stop and wipe my face so they won't notice, and the instant they leave I will start crying again because they didn't notice.
I don't know what is going on with me there is just so much in my head and I feel like I could talk for hours and not get out everything that I want to say.
Last night the loneliness hit so hard, but on Sundays I am not allowed to use the computer, so I tried to use my kobo ereader( which has internet capabilities) in my bedroom to send you a message, but it wasn't working, and so after a couple tries I gave up, and I was so frustrated! I felt like I wanted to bite something! Not like an apple...but you know how dogs have toys that they can just clamp their jaws around? that's what I wanted....but the only things meant to go in human mouths are food, and clamping my jaws around food would mean taking a bite out of it, which was not what I wanted, so I ended up biting my arm...that sounds really bad...it wasn't that bad...I didn't break the skin or anything, its just that the feeling of clamping my jaw felt so good....But I don't understand where that urge came from! It was the most random thing! and if I had let myself, I could have caused some damage to my skin....
I am just so lonely, and during the day I don't think about the feelings that hit at night. I don't want to talk to anyone during the day because I forget how bad it can hit in the evening. In the evening I sometimes write emails to my friend, but I rarely send them for a couple reasons...1) I don't want to bother her, 2)when I write them they rarely make any sense, and she would probably be confused, and 3)I feel really weird facing her the next day, when I am feeling fine, but she is thinking about the email I sent at night and assuming I will still feel the way I described to her
I don't know how much sense I am making...it is evening and I am starting to feel it again...that's why I am here writing to you and not working on homework like I really should be...
Anyway, anything you say is appreciated...I am really enjoying the chance to share things about myself and get to know someone else a little bit...
Oh one more thing...I saw the guy that I (used to?) have a crush on today with his girlfriend...and I almost started crying in the hallway again. I need this to stop, because I can't cry at school! and I want to be happy for him and his girlfriend because I know logically they make a great couple, but my heart tells me no and every time I see them I get a little upset, and I am jealous of her even though I don't want to be, and I can't talk to him ....
actually the two of them came up to me and my friend the other day and asked me a question and I kind of froze and thankfully my friend(the one who I have confided in before) noticed and took over the conversation and I could turn around to my locker to keep myself from crying until they walked away...but I don't want that to happen! I want to be able to talk to both of them, because they are probably the two people outside of my small friend group that I was most comfortable talking to...but not anymore.....
okay enough of that...I'm going to try to do homework now...
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Hi Esther!
Wow.. I can't believe they did that.
That's a bit bellow the belt..
You say this happened a while ago. But just remember. It's what's happening now that counts.
You'll soon learn which people are worth trusting.
I really hope you don't let that memory bring you down anymore. I'd hate to see that happen.
Did you think about telling your friend about the problems you're feeling? You mentioned you felt more comfortable with a certain friend.
It quite upsets me to hear what happens at night time.
I wished there was something I could do for you to help you to stop with the crying.
Everyone deserves to be happy. That includes you.
You're no different. You matter just as much as everyone else. You seem quite mature for your age also.
Hey my story isn't important. I got through it.
This is you we need to through all about. If there is any help you need from me. I check my account through all everyday so please don't hesitate to message me.
I will be setting up an email address just for advicenators. I will let you know when this has been done.
Also dont let your exes get you down. I know it can be hard when you see them with someone else.
Keep smiling mate!
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