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I think I am destroying my relationship with my jealousy
Hey there
Me: 20/F
Boyfriend: 22/M
My boyfriend and I have been publicly and officially "together" for about six months, and have been "exclusive" for much longer (God I hate our generation). Though I have had three boyfriends in the past and my current boyfriend is the third man that I have slept with, my current boyfriend is my first love. I thought I was in love with the ones before him but what I have learned this year is there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I never understood "butterflies" or that overwhelming "I think I'm gonna explode with emotion" feeling you get when you're with your significant other. I always thought I just wasn't wired that way, until him. I have never cared so deeply for a person. Truly cared. Wanted to know everything about them and understand them on the most intimate level. Intimacy, passion, I have never experienced that before.
I have also never experienced fear like this. Finally finding a person who makes me feel this way scares the living hell out of me. I am constantly terrified that I will lose it. And I know I shouldn't be. But my boyfriend has a past (I know, I know, don't we all). He has never been with a girl like he is with me. Never committed completely. His longest relationship prior was two months and he also told me that I am the first girl he has loved. His friends all told me when we got together that they have never seen him so happy and so into a girl. He's a college frat boy, he had his wild phase and I wouldn't change anything about his past because it made him who he and I love him. And he has done nothing to make me feel insecure in our relationship. Being the heartbreaker that he was there are more than a few women that still carry a flame for him. And he's shown me the midnight calls and the drunk texts they send, he told me he doesn't want to hide anything from me and that he wants me to see that they all go unanswered or, that he's set them straight (explained that he is in a relationship). And he talks about the future with me. How he wants to marry me and that he has prayed to find a girl like me. So what is wrong with me that I still don't trust him?
I know I've had my fair share of being played, cheated, and lied to. But I hate when people pull the "trust issues" card. We all have trust issues. Everyone on this planet has been screwed over at least once. He deserves my trust but I somehow can't give it to him. I have this constant fear deep in my belly that he will leave me. That one day my annoying quirks will be too annoying. He will have had too much. And I take my insecurity out on him. I accuse him of things that I know he hasn't done. I become clingy. I hate myself when I act like that. And I know that its awful behavior and that if I keep it up he SHOULD leave me. I just don't know what to do. We've had many conversations about my inability to trust and he knows how I feel he just doesn't know what else he can do. And I don't think there is anything he CAN do. He is a great guy and has been nothing but incredible to me.
I feel like a crazy person. I want it stop. Help.
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From what you describe him as, sounds like my current and 2nd husband. And I know the difference too of being in love, and yes he has a past too and like your guy, hides nothing from me. If the girl is in love but the man just loves and isn't in love, that depth of intimacy with her, then yes, there is a possibility for her to feel a lack of trust...not because he's done anything wrong, but because you are worried that someone better may come along in the future and replace you. I know about that feeling. I think all woman at some point will feel it. Its what you do with it that should make the difference for you. Right now, it sounds like when such a thought comes, you dwell on it and won't let it go. That only feeds and strengthens that thought, a distorted one albeit and so your situation gets worse. I used to have severe anxiety and recently have come across info that talks about distorted thoughts, they are at the bottom of all our anxieties, fears and inabilities to trust, and more. Yet a good many humans engage in distorted thinking at times. And yes, I still catch myself doing it, and guess what? Distorted thinking has never been positive in my experience, its always very negative thinking. Lots of us do not dwell on the thoughts, ignore them and I suppose that works to some extent cus lots of people get by without it interfering with their life.
The best way to cure it if you find you can't on your own is to see a counselor who is trained in CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help you get at the root of what caused this insecurity, something in your past, parents relationship or other couples woes you've witnessed.??
To work on it first yourself, everytime you have a negative thought, feeling jealous, worried he could find someone better, attack that thought back with positive ones.
This is what I still do. Hon... I am getting older, silver hairs mixed in and more and more wrinkles...and to be truthful, there will always be a gal in society I can point to and think, she looks better than me. But the way I offset those thoughts is by counteracting by dwelling on the truths I know from experience. What I share now that I use, I want you to think upon too. Even when I am not dressed up, or looking my best, have I caught my man looking at me with passion in his eyes? Maybe not to make love right then cus its not convenient or theres chores or appts. but its that look that says, I can hardly wait to get you out of your clothes. Does my man like the way I look as I get older? I dont have to fish for compliments, he is consistantly telling me what he likes about me and it ranges from looks to character traits. So I hear him say, Honey, you know I love your hair right? So many women your age color theirs. Please don't ever do that cus I love the silver and it actually looks good on you and you still look sexy. Or, Honey I am so glad I met you. I still wonder what I did to deserve you. Just watching your nurturing strengths come out while visiting the kids or grandkids makes me feel like I am falling in love with you all over again.
Its not every day but theres no week that doesnt go by where I've not seen or heard something encouraging from him a couple times.
Is it possible that you need to hear more from your guy? It could be. He sounds willing to do whatever he can. You may be young and pretty now but I guarantee you'll need to hear the compliments even more after having kids and also as you grow older. So if he's willing to do this, its a lifetime commitment of complimenting, being open and sharing what he appreciates about you, the way he looks at you, holds you or even his slight touches in public that convey how much he is in love with you. But you
ecome consciously aware of them cus you'll need to use them to replace your feelings of distrust or jealousy which as you already know is a fear of loss, of losing him to some other woman.
Lets get real honest here...we don't like the idea of our man going elsewhere for love and sex.
Lets takes sex first: all women have breasts and a vagina, the needed equipment for sex. SO what have you got that is better than another? Nothing, cus theres really no such thing as better on this subject, only different. Different body types, differing shapes and sizes of boobs and nipples and same for vagina's and penis's. So if size doesnt make sex better, what is it you have that he likes so much better than any other woman? Its probably a matter of personal preference as far as the looks of your nude body. I've heard plenty from my guy that as a teen already, in his mind was an image of exactly as I look. And though he's called himself the male slut-puppy in his younger days, and he's had many relationships with women, none of them ever looked like the image in his mind that was his ultimate ideal according to his tastes, until he met me and was delighted to find I had the body type he'd always dreamed of.
but certain personality qualities. He was always drawn to older women for things like maturity,their maternal and nurturing instincts, self confidence and such and spirituality and being intelligent, etc. not that younger women cant have some of those qualities but to his tatstles it was more often found and more special to him in females older than him. I'm only older by one year.. LOL but its a combo of my having the looks that he personally as a male craves and finds sexy at any age, and whom I am on the inside and that is hard to duplicate.
Too many females focus only on who they are on the outside and yeah, lots of young men do too. At some point, most will wise up, after playing around for a while. YOur guy is still young so he learned what is important to him much sooner than a good majority of young men of the current generation. Have a talk with him and get him talking about what it is about you that makes you so special that he can't even dream of ever enjoying another woman. Get him to feel free to update you as he sees something he likes in you, compliments, being supportive in this way and you do your part replacing your distorted feelings of fears of loss with stating the true situation in your head or out loud to yourself each time and soon you should be fine. If not, seek out a psychologist who treats with the CBT method.
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