|
Dating Nerves
I am 23 and have never been in a relationship or had sex, but I’ve done everything leading up to sex, including with the person I’m currently involved with. We met online and have known each other for almost a month. I am extremely nervous about where this may or may not be headed, as I have no experience with relationships. We’ve done sexual things on almost every date, which I do enjoy very much. One day, he spent hours fingering me to orgasm and it was great. I’m really surprised that even happened. I think sex is very close to happening and its making me extremely nervous. Up until now, I didn’t think I wanted to be in love to lose my virginity. Now I’m having second thoughts about that. I think penetration with him has made me feel incredibly vulnerable and I’ve decided I want an emotional connection with someone before having sex. The thing is, I can’t tell if I have those meaningful feelings for him. The whole situation is starting to give me crippling anxiety. Does this anxiety mean there is lack of a meaningful connection between us? Or am I just extremely nervous and need to get over my nerves? He’s a good person and treats me better than anyone I’ve ever dated. I want to give him a chance. At the same time, I don’t get the kind of mental stimulation I do with my platonic relationships. So far, it’s a very touchy feely type of relationship and that is very new for me. It’s scaring the hell out of me. I’m just feeling somewhat pressured and rushed. Is this good or bad? Is it my fault I’m feeling this way? I’m also very scared of losing my identity. I have a busy life and lots of things that are important to me. He doesn’t seem to fit into my life, but maybe this is a sign I need to find a new center? What are your thoughts?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You've said a lot of things that are positive about your situation like you enjoy it very much, treats you better than any others in the past. Unless you left out all the bad things, there isn't a reason from past experiences to have such reservations, so I can only assume that the real issues are actually just in your mind. I am not saying you are crazy. Just saying our thoughts can wander all over the place and I don't know how they get there, but some things in life influence or sometimes its just what we see, hear or experiences of others that reshape our thoughts into quite distorted thinking without any validity to them and fear is almost always involved. I should know cus I used to have severe social anxiety not based on anything that happened to me, just fears of what if scenerios, that may have been a jumble of things I took in from what I had seen or heard out there in society of what happened to others. My distorted thoughts led to me behaviors that made me more anti social and hard to become friends with. I also didn't trust people easily.
So if the problem is your thoughts, you may want to examine them one by one to discover what it is that actually is whats holding you back.
First thought: I wanted to be in love to lose my virginity.
Okay, lets find out if you are in love. When you are in love, you will automatically fear losing that person in your life one way or another, either to another person, from an accident/a death. So picture both scenerio's in your mind. Your subconscious mind is where all your emotions reside and it is what is triggered to feel sadness or anger when you watch a movie, and produce the feelings of tenseness and heart beat pounding or the tears. Picture yourself losing him and you can't find anyone else like him again. Would you realize after the fact that you loved him? It took one girl who friend zoned her guy, to seeing him with another girl before she realized that she loved him back as she felt very jealous and unhappy and couldn't focus on her regular life until she had him back. And then she was willing to move on to the romantic and sexual part of the relationship with him. If you have trouble with imagining, this may be hard for you but I don't know of another or better way, perhaps someone else here can tell you.
And then theres the topic of 'virginity'. Do you know all the meanings of the word virgin? There is one more meaning besides not having had intercourse. Virgin can be used of forests and areas of land that have not yet been cultivated or used by people, so it can also mean a woman who has not yet been touched in any sexual ways by another person. I say person rather than male because if you think about it, two gay men or two lesbian women have the same parts and can not have the penis in vagina sex that most of us equate with losing virginity. So at what point do they lose their virginity if they are gay for life and never had a partner of the opposite sex. Do they die, an old person still a virgin even though they've had sex their entire life?
Virginity was a concept created by men in ages long age when there was no such thing as paternity tests or birth control. Since with modern medicine we have those covered, there really isn't a need to remain a virgin simply because it's still a social habit/belief for some. If there is no religious belief, then it all comes down to what you said, wanting to be in love. Sometimes the person we marry is not the person we lost virginity to. Or we lose virginity to people who take it from us by force, by terrible means. A person can still enjoy a first time with each person they ever have sex with. Theres two reasons people engage in sex, some as a recreational thing, to scratch that itch, they are horny and just taking care of it. Others do so because there are feelings for the other person. The degree of feelings will vary depending on how close you both are and how perfect and compatible you both are for each other. So on a scale of 1 to 3, 1 meaning the guy cares about you, 2 the guy feels he loves you to 3. the guy is 'in love' with you, from experience, I can say that sex with all 3 are wonderful and rewarding. Of course, the ultimate I wanted was a guy in love with me since my ex confessed to a counselor that he'd never been in love with me, just loved some things about me. For me, once divorced and seeking another, I was not going to wait for sex until wedding night again. A main issue was being sexually compatible, same kind of libido...how much and how often both want it, and what kind of things they want to do in sex. I didnt have it before so my decision to check that out early on was important to me. What do you think would be really different about you if you did have intercourse. What are those thoughts in your mind? Will you be missing something, have lost something? If thats how you feel, you will continue to resist sex for many years if not a life time and become an old maid. Sex is a personal journey of discovery in ones sexual self that begins in puberty with a cycle for girls, and masturbation for both sexes and moves on to kissing and touching another, mutual masturbation, oral sex and finally intercourse. Its like lets say getting a drivers license. You read the book, practice driving but never go the final step to taking the driving test to get your license. Just because you don't have a valid drivers license, does that mean you don't know how to drive yet? YOu know, you've experienced it, you just haven't gone the final step of the drivers test cus its scary in your mind, just like the step to having intercourse.
See, I hope you understand that alot of this is based on how you are thinking about it.
You wonder if this means a lack of connection or its just nerves. Nerves is my guess, that same kind of nerves over entering or experiencing something new, a new job, a drivers test, intercourse. Its something you haven't done before so its natural, humans just tend to have fears over the unknown or things they havent experienced before. The best way I've learned to overcome my fears is to face them and that means doing the very thing I am afraid of doing. The moment I start, the fears go away, like a bully who has been challenged.
If you ask most people if they enjoyed their first sexual experience, most will say, no or it was okay but not spectacular. The latter was mine. Most people don't have beautiful memories of their first time cus we were inexperienced and perhaps were not yet with the love of our life. I am in my 50s and my second husband is the first time I've really enjoyed sex in my life, but we didnt get together until I turned 50, so most my life, I was missing out. Sex isn't something to fear but to enjoy, an outpouring of the love you feel for another. I am in love with him but have also experienced a guy who I loved many great things about him and so we both could say I love you to each other. It was true, the sex was great, but there was something missing, something that wasn't love or sex related, I was and he was still looking for one who could also be our best friend and lover. Luckily we both had our marriage partners come into ours lives at the same time and parted ways. Touchy feely scares you? Perhaps its due to not being a touchy feely gal in personality types. You don't have to be as long as your two differing personality types dont clash.
Or perhaps its more the intensity of the feelings that scare you as you haven't experienced them before. Yes, I can relate to that. Intensity not experienced before CAN scare the hell out of anyone. The idea is to not go running away but to hang in there and stay long enough to decide if this is the real thing or only the excitement of new relationship energy which fades within a few weeks or months, depending on how often you see each other. Its the same kind of excitement over getting the toy you wanted forever at Christmas but once you'd had it a while it began to lose its hold on your attention and just didnt seem so special anymore. Don't worry, real love doesn't go away after time, it settles down, maybe the excitement level goes from 10 down to 8 so you can focus on other daily tasks that need be done but when you both decide to show each other how much you love each other in bed, that excitement flares back up to 10 and never goes away, it grows and grows and you both become more woven into the tapestry of each other, inseparable.
You've only known each other a month, not enough time to feel comfortable being forever with him. There's no time for trust to build, consistancy of being who we say we are over time will do that. You feel rushed because yes, theres only a month of time together so it could be just NRE, new relationship energy...so give it a couple of months. I met one guy where it was a whirlwind of seeing each other every other day and I'd spend the whole weekend at his place. The intensity scared him so he asked for space and time and stayed away but got only 3 days before realizing he missed me and asked if we could see each other and then confessed to feeling scared due to how quickly things went so well, so intense. He and I were not destined because he wasn't of the marriage mind and I didn't want a boyfriend to visit, I wanted a partner. Having things important to you should also become important to the man you end up with. Important but not necessarily his new favorite activity or whatever. One should never change or lose their identity by choice to become a better match for someone. That may be your fear in losing yourself. As I said, one month isn't long enough. See where you are at in 3 or 5 months and you'll probably have a better idea. Whether you have intercourse right away or wait some months until you feel more sure is up to you. All of the concerns you have, I suggest bringing up at some point with him. Right now, is too soon but if you see each other several times a week then in another month, if you still feel overwhelmed, let him know, don't keep him guessing and thinking you're losing interest. The one thing that I love about my mate is being able to share whatever thoughts are on our minds, whether fears, worries, concern or just happy muses, we share and you can't until you have some kind of trust that he won't laugh, ridicule, shame you or not take what you share when you make yourself vulnerable that way. When you feel you can trust him, then let him know. and if he;s the good man he seems to be, he will understand and want to encourage you and wipe away your concerns by sharing his heat and letting you know how he feels too, and bein patient with you, etc...
I am sure you will be fine. You really just need time before you can be sure of what you have with him. Heck even i as an older adult needed time before I could fully trust my 2nd husband before we married.
]
I think being scared for a woman at the prospect of losing her virginity is normal be you 16 or 26. Being a virgin at 23 is not as unusual today as you might think. We receive a number of letters from women your age who are virgins expressing similar feelings.
For a man losing his virginity is no big deal. It is not painful for him and it is more of an accomplishment which signals his manhood than anything else. For a woman the loss of her virginity is a big deal. It is a big step into womanhood and the longer you wait the harder it is to give in to just anyone.
I'm not a psychologist; none of us are though my suggestion is that you first have a discussion with yourself.
1. Are you really ready for sex? If the answer is yes move on to number 2.
2. If your relationship with this man were not sexual do you believe you would have the same mental stimulation you have in platonic relationships. This will be hard but try to separate the sexual from the relationship for I believe it is playing a part in why you are scared.
3. If the answer to number two is positive then you and this guy need to have a discussion including sex. If this guy fingered you for hours, and you do not state you did anything to relieve his sexual needs, then he is a definite keeper as he has real feelings for you which are not just lustful.
The key to a good sexual relationship is talking to each other. You should tell him you are a virgin. If he is the guy I think he is then he is going to want to make your first sexual experience special which is what you want I’m sure. He will be willing to wait until you’re entirely comfortable with him. Your comfort is key to a good first experience. You want to be secure in your surroundings as well as comfortable both in where you have sex and that you will not be disturb or discovered. Hopefully neither of you live at home with parents. If so you may be more comfortable in your own bed. These are some of what you should discuss.
You don't have to jump right to bed from where you are at this moment. He can continue to finger you and teach you how to please him without intercourse. If being naked with him is a problem than take it slow and get partially naked and comfortable with that. As I said if he is the man I think he is I believe he has feeling for you and will go at your speed to make you comfortable If you are truly ready for sex.
Most importantly be honest with him and yourself. You are an adult now and entitled to a sex life if you want one. Once you do start having sex I have one rule. "What happens in the bedroom between to consenting adults stays in the bedroom." Operative words CONSENTING ADULTS." Meaning there is nothing weird that can happen between consenting adults in one’s bedroom. Weird is like beauty it rests in the eye of the beholder.
I hope what I've written has been of some help.
]
I think you should just be honest with him about how you're feeling. I mean if you can't be honest with him, this relationship won't go anywhere.
I think since this would be your first time, it's a scary thing because it's new. It's fine that you feel like you want to have an emotional connection with that person, it's normal.
If you feel pressured or rushed, slow down and take your time. This isn't something that needs to happen right away and it's not something you want to regret, especially for your first time.
So just talk to him, I'm sure he'll be understanding.
]
More Questions: |