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Why do we separate work and love?
For us women, why do career aspirations/work/school/intellectual passions have to be so separate from love life? Why are women, specifically, always put in a position to have to choose one or the other? I'm in the arts, currently a student and beginning to take measures to plan my career. Being an artist is my livelihood. My work is everything to me. Every time I date someone, I feel attracted to them sexually but under-stimulated in some way. It's always the type of guy that has absolutely nothing to do with my work or my artistic passions. Why then, do I always gravitate toward this type of guy? Why am I always in a position where I feel a battle between said guy, who has nothing to do with my life and my life? I just never seem to find the guy who would feed my passions and fit into the life I'm building for myself. Why do women have to give up what they do to fit into their man's life? Why can't people in general merge career and love into one? Is it because most people associate career with just money? It seems there's a culture here in America of going home after work and switching off, until work the next morning, or just generally having work life and home life be completely separate. Why do I feel this anxiety that my whole life is threatened every time I meet a guy? When I type these questions into google there are plenty of articles on how to keep love life and work life separate (mostly geared toward women it seems) but not WHY. Advicenators has love life and work life as two separate categories. I'm not seeking personal advice as much as I'm intrigued to know others' ideas and personal stories on this topic.
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Great questions hon, especially this one here that is so concise and from which I will give an answer from my own life experience:
"Why do women have to give up what they do to fit into their man's life?"
I feel its actually more of giving up everything, not just what ones profession is if there is one, but what our hobbies are, our favorite anything, foods, movies, music, activities, etc.
We have long fooled ourselves into thinking that the other person is making us give up something of ourselves so we can fit into the man's life and be 'perfect' for him. No one can change you. You can only decide to change who you are inside, your character, your personality and what you stand for in hopes it will land you a wonderful guy.
All you are doing is weakening yourself. I believe this to be more of a female trait than a males. Females at puberty start to crave admiration, positive attention from males, verification that they are desirable and normal as a female. That is natural in how we are made. Men do not change who they are to get the girl. They either drop her cus she doesn't feel right for him, if they are a controller or narcissistic, they might look for a weak gal who will bend to his will but he's still never happy with her, or some might use a mix of charm and force or ultimatums to bully a gal into changing for him or meeting his wants rather than a compromise.
There are also guys who are nothing like that, like my 2nd husband.
My husband and I have both worked many jobs, usually just basic labor force type jobs, nothing requiring degrees or a career choice. But there were many other things we had learned from life and being married before where its really not what job or how you look, or your basic interests, but finding someone who will fully support you in this, enjoy it be proud of you, even if they don't share the same interest. The only two things he wanted when searching dating sites was a female his equal sexually and who was a spiritual person. I had those two on my list of importance also as well as a couple of other things. I had a detailed list for myself based on who I am and my life experiences so far. After being sexually mismatched with the first one for 30 yrs and also verbally abused due to discovering he actually had mental illness but didn't want to see a Dr and go on meds, I knew what I wanted to avoid. I needed a man who would be supportive of me as a whole, everything about me, from being partially vegetarian, to being creative and nurturing and all the things I use those two qualities in, gardening, writing, crafts, energy healing and much more. He didn't have to like or do the same, just support me in what I like and do and be proud of me and encourage me. I can not tell you how many people he has proudly told that fact that I share advice on this column. He has encouraged people to go on and read what I've written. He admires many others things. I have so much support now whereas with the first husband, he always was pointing the finger at me, it was always my fault for trouble s in marriage, at a job, or that I got sick, etc...
What I am trying to say is since you keep running into the wrong kind of guys, either you are not ready for the right kind of guy and actually need to learn something from unsupportive ones, or perhaps in the little you've experienced, you really have learned what you want to avoid, so I hope you've made mental notes of what warning signs those kinds of guys eventually show as even the nicest person masking who they really are can't hide behind a false persona longer than a few days, weeks or handful of months because it takes a lot of personal energy and people will drop the false mask and become their real self with you and after a couple signs that give you the true glimpse of who they are at core, you can then stop wasting your time. Hon, even I in my 40s met up with guys who seemed promising from how they wrote, talked on phone and I met them at a coffee shop. Sometimes they failed right then, others didn't show their true self until 3rd or 4th date. When I say days to months time to discover if a person is really consistantly who you believe them to be, its actually how often you see and interact with a person before you'll get your clues. It doesnt mean there's something wrong with you dear, its just all part of the process of weeding out the duds and looking for the needle in the haystack.
So, first, you need to evaluate yourself, it's not your job in particular that is the issue, you have to look deeper. You are seeking support. All people want that. Did you have that growing up? Perhaps you had the perfect father, so great a guy that all those you meet pale in comparison. If so, you need to explore that situation in detail to be able to mentally get past it and see if you are looking for a carbon copy or someone equally great but different. Perhaps, your Dad was a bad father in so many ways that you vowed to never get with a man like him so that even something small like having one thing in common, leaving a toilet seat up is enough to have your interest in a guy cool off and disappear.
Since you state you get sexually attracted but feel understimulated in other ways, I can only come up with one...I required a meeting of the minds and I have that with current husband. The best relationships have a two fold foundation everything grows from, being sexually compatible ad the other, being each others best friend. Think of a female best friend. I know mine had things in common and we thought alike, like the same things, some same hobbies but we still were different and unique in some ways but those differences had appeal, something we wanted to learn to do or experience together. I believe you are seeking the man with whom you can be best friends, have a meeting of minds so that both of you are intellectually stimulated by conversation with each other even though some of what is most interesting to you isn't at the same level of interest for your partner. It is a most wonderful thing to be admired for your mind, for your heart besides the usual of being admired for your looks. I can not tell you why you gravitate towards the wrong type. If its just not knowing how to find the right one, then I am sharing what I know to help but if its something buried in your psyche, you just may need to see a psychologist and I have a suggestion there too...only those trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitives being thoughts, it is our thoughts, thinking patterns and habits, distortions or fears that can lead us to a certain behavior or action that we really don't want to have or keep taking. I dont know which is the case for you so I thought I'd add this now before I forgot.
I did mention the search for the needle in the haystack, thats what hunting for a guy was like, it was going to be virtually impossible to hope to bump into him in public somewhere. So I used dating sites. Although there are free ones and I met my husband on one, if you are looking for a quality man who may be ready for marriage, then I would suggest Match.com as it is much more thorough in questioning each person and if you can be really truthful with your answers, then it will work on finding good matches for you. Then its a matter of whether you like the looks and when you meet, if you both feel that chemistry. But you have to have figured out first what it is that you need and want. Needs are a must have in the relationship, a deal breaker if not present. The wants are like icing on the cake, nice but not necessary. Like my wanting a guy who liked going dancing. My husband doesn't dance. Something like this would not be a deal breaker but you could use if you find two guys who are perfect in matching your needs, then you go over your list of wants to see which one meets most of those. I hope this helps you to see that you can find a man who supports who you are, in your profession, who you are at core and someone who doesnt require you to change to be perfect for him. If you aren't perfect for each other, you are with the wrong guy dear. Good luck.
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