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Let the past make you better not bitter
20 year old female, usa.
I just got in a new relationship a couple of months ago. It's been almost a year since my last boyfriend of two years and I ended things. I haven't had the best experience with guys in the past, I somehow always end up getting hurt/played. My current boyfriend is honestly the best, he's seen me at my worst and yet still remains by my side. So why do I feel like somethings missing? He's not the type of guy to show me off to the world, and I love showing him off. Its not like he keeps me a secret either, everyone knows we're together. I've fallen for this guy but for some reason I seem to feel like it's one sided. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so insecure about myself due to getting played so much in the past. I also get extremely jealous to the point where even if he likes an ex gfs picture I freak out, and I most definitely don't like him texting other girls because I feel like he's seeking other girls attention. So why do I keep pushing him away with my constant insecurities? Why do I feel like he feels like he's not getting something from me so he has to find it elsewhere? How do I get over my past insecurities and keep him around? I really don't want to lose him.
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Hi dear.
First off, at age 20, no matter what past relationships or how many, the guys were most likely middle school, HS age and just post graduation age. So first, I'd like to point out something I didn't realize when I was 20 either, that 1. I still lacked lots of life experience, the kind needed to be able to choose a good partner and 2. The guys at that age were still immature and not ready to commit to one relationship, or didn't know what they really wanted in the end for a long term partner so they were dating around or keeping options open.
Those 2 things are what makes dating at those ages so painful and disastrous. Very few guys are ready to commit to one girl then. I am much older and I still see people even up to senior citizen age who want to date who still have not gotten a clue as to how to go about it in ways that are going to be more chance of success.
Our own baggage of past experiences can color how you go about choosing the next partner to be better than the last, not the same or settling for less. And the memories of what happened in the past shouldn't be the fears and anxieties that you place on the new relationship. Your very fears may create a problem where there never was one to begin with.
So it really comes down to your being very sure of your ability to truly see/spot any warning signs in the other person that are truly warning signs and not something in your mind blown out of proportion. I have the benefit of looking back dear so I don't think it will be as easy for you to see what I am trying to say, like can you see yourself being the exact same in relationship experience at age 30 or 50 as you were at 17,18 for your 2 yr relationship? If you think so, then likely, you're not going to get a word I say.
I felt very mature at 20 and married. I found out I had known very little and ended up with a husband who was abusive. So no matter how intelligent or mature you may be, theres still something to be said for what we learn through lifes experiences.
So okay, you've had bad experiences in the past.
It isnt always the fault of one person. In my case, yes, he was predisposed to act like that, but smart as I was, I had no real life experience in being able to spot the warning signs. Looking back, I now can see, the signs were there, I just didn't know enough yet to make a good decision so my part in it was lack of info, wisdom, asking for advice from others... At least you are asking for advice.
Sooo, in my opinion, a bad guy is not going to become your problem the next time around, if you have dealt with yourself first. I am not spouting off crazy stuff and don't mean to say you have issues, I truly don't know. But I do know that of friends who have broken up or divorced like myself, we all had our own issues in our minds that contributed to us ending up with losers and the others who didn't take time to learn some things and work on themselves, ended up repeating those same mistakes and ending up with more losers.
I was late forties when I finally got the guts to divorce the ex. It was now a matter of seeing a counselor, actually a friend who was retired but used to do that for a profession. So yeah, like yourself, there were insecurities, and for me, low self confidence, wondering why I seemed to run into guys with the same problems as my ex right after I divorced. I figure it was a testing by fate, God, whatever, to see if I would cave in now that I learned to run away from a bad situation once, would I do it again or when faced with being single and needing financial stability from having a partner, would I give in and allow the next guy to mistreat me the same way. I got tested twice and I broke it off immediately when I saw behavior I did not like and wouldnt put up with. Thats in essense what the dating process is, whether 3 dates only, 3 months or 3 years. You end up going thru all these relationships using them as stepping stones, of learning, discovery of what you like in a guy and what you don't like so that when the time comes to settle down with a husband or life long partner, you'll be experienced enough to know what the right guy is and how to recognize those qualitys you like in him when you meet him. So actually, what you've experienced is common and normal so there's no need to worry that the next guy is for sure the same and you can't trust. This is how dating works. It shouldn't have to take 2 yrs to discovery that something isn't working right. A couple months is more the usual since people put their best foot forward so to speak by putting on a false identity, acting the way they think will impress or that they know the other person wants. But its too much energy to keep up the pretence for too long and after a few dates or a few months for most, if you know from experience what to look for from past experience, you need to just look more closely.
If you need any more help on the subject, just let me know. If you find you cant get past the distrust, then seeing a counselor is a good idea.
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You probably have a very good reason for being insecure one that is deep seated and not as recent as you may believe. The only true method I know of to rid oneself of something like this is threw therapy with a psychologist.
There is no shame is seeking professional help for something like this. As I said this is something that most likely is deep seated. Something that may even go back to your childhood that you have boxed up and stored away in your deepest part of your memory. But it does trigger these insecurities as a way of protecting you from what you fear even though you should not always be fearful of whatever it may be.
If you are working and have health insurance through your employer you most likely have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Ask your manager or HR department if you do and how to contact them. Tell them you would like to contact a psychologist for help with your insecurities. They will offer you one or more names of people in your area to call or offer to set up the first appointment for you. Generally the EAP program will pay for the first few appointments then your health insurance kicks in. All of this, the contact with the EAP program and the psychologist is strictly confidential. NO ONE WILL KNOW WHY YOU ARE BEING SEEN OR WHAT IS DISCUSSED.
What is discussed in therapy is strictly confidential and a chance for you to open up and discuss anything and everything that may be or has ever bothered you. From these discussions the therapist can help you find the trigger to the insecurities you have and help you deal with them better.
If you are in college go to the school medical office and ask to see a psychologist.
Those of us on this site are not doctors and we are not qualified to truly help you with this problem.
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