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why do i miss him?
Hi everyone, I am 20 years old. I dated this guy who is much older than I am for about 10-11 months. Him and I lived together, and things fell apart. Even before we lived together him and I would fight. We would argue about my friends texting me late at night, we would argue about me falling asleep on the couch to early, we would fight about dinner, we would fight about my family, we would fight how if I didn't do anything around the house, but when I would do things around the house he would feel bad. He didn't like my family very much, he called my family names, he didn't like my friends very much, and anytime I would se them (which was not often) I would be very anxious, and would always try to be home as early as possible because I knew that if I walked in the door after 9 p.m. him and I were going to get into a fight, because "he's been waiting on me all night" but when he goes out with his friends I let him do his things and when he gets home he gets home. No big deal. Point is, we would fight about everything. And we lived in his house. Him and I did not have anything to special that made us, us. We would laugh sometimes, but he is very controlling and very manipulative, and I was not happy with him. There are dozens of red flags about him, like the fact that I was scared he was going to hit me every time we got into a fight. (He never did, but I was always scared he would.) But why do I Miss him so much? I feel so lonely, and so heart broken, somedays I feel okay, like I am strong enough to handle this, and other days I cry, and feel more alone than ever. Would it be so bad to ask him to get a cup of coffee, no strings attached? He is a great guy, just not a good boyfriend. He wanted me to be completely dependent on him, but I was more defendant on myself than anything and he hated it. The bad times easily out weigh the good times, now what do I do? Its been just over 3 weeks since I have seen him last. I miss him in my life as a person, not as my boyfriend But who knows, maybe if I see him hell steal my heart like he once did before. Do people change? Could he change? Should I move on? Should I reach out? I am mind bogled, and I need outside none bias advice. if you need more information please reach out. Thank you.
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When you first break up with somebody, you remember all the good things and the bad things just seem stupid and you tend to blame yourself for all the fights, but give it time. It seems like he was very controlling and yes, its okay to pretend you need help so it looks like you need him for something, guys like to feel like you need them, gives them some kind of ego boost. Just give it time before reaching out again, I'm sure you will feel different about the situation. When i first broke up with my boyfriend, i just wanted him back and so i stayed friends with him, but as time went on, rebounded and now we barely speak because i realize i made the right choice by breaking up with him.
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Well, people can change but not that quickly. In fact, most humans make more change when younger and less the older they get. As to the significance of change, usually the change is small minor stuff that doesnt overall really change the bad things about their character that make them toxic to have as a friend, a family member or a mate, whether long term gf/bf or wife/husband.
At the end of a toxic marriage when husband went to see a counselor, initially thinking it would trick me into staying, I had a chance to talk to the counselor alone and He told me not to have any expectation for great behavorial differences because its really up to the individual how much they really want to and are ready to embrace change for the better and most important recognize their need to change. And even then, people tend to change slowly and in small bits, nothing big that others could notice or that would have a positive effect on relationships. And some people do very little change and some, none in their entire life time. Being older, there is less likelihood my husband would change any or enough to make a difference for me. I already knew the husband never accepted that he had any faults and always pointed the finger at me, although the counselor didn't find anything wrong with me. And he was unwilling to go for counseling and only went those few times because I had talked about divorce. He could go to hundreds of sessions and come home still feeling arrogantly that he doesnt need improvement and be unwilling to do as the Dr told him. And I saw through what he was doing.
This part of my story is to clearly show you that it is unrealistic to expect the kind of change that will help a relationship work out, to happen in a couple weeks of absense and without the aid of professional help and a recognition on his part and desire to want to change. Even then, a couple weeks is too soon. More like a few years if he was ready working at it with professional help and even that is a wild guess cus that kind of change can take a life time for some to discoveer and accomplish.
And now I will share something that might sound silly that I want you to try by sharing my story. I went to a Shamanic circle for a while in my past. Part of the time, the leader beat out a tune on a Native drum while we were to meditate and see what pictures or images came to mind for us. And I had a wild one, or so I thought at the time. This occurred before going to the counselor. I had a vision in my mind where my angels came to me and asked me if I saw the cord that attached me to my husband standing a few yards away in this image. The cord is an energy connection between me and my husband and I had to decide if I was going to be willing to cut that cord with him or not and if I was, I had to do it then. Cutting that cord would cut the emotional bond that had kept me there with him about 30 years. So I would not be making decisions to stay or go based on the emotions I felt, like caring and such, despite how terribly I was treated in the marriage. I could then make my decisions based on fact and logic and if things improved, then work towards repairing the relationship and falling in love again. I tell you, it was a scary thing, I believed this wasn't some random vision that meant nothing...I took it seriously and did decide to take a pair of large scissors and cut that cord.
I recently saw something on youtube, just days ago that talked about cutting that energy connection you have with someone.
But it also went further to explain how oft times we unknowingly repair and rebuild a new connection by everytime we think about a past partner or try to spend time with them,or write them or talk to them. In the mind, it starts creating that cord that attaches you to that person and thats why so many women have trouble getting away and staying away from a toxic man, someone who just isn't right for them. thats why so many settle for less. Those emotions keep you holding onto him. Sure there were a few good points in my old relationship and I didnt' think I could find something exceptionally better but I did with the man I have now for over 6 years. So if you really want to be rid of him and ready to look for your new and much healthier match, then I suggest you do this thing of visualizing you and him and a cord connecting the two of you, usually it connects at the stomach or heart level. And if you have to redo it daily cus you may have unintentionally given brief thoughts to him, then cut this energy cord in your minds eye again and do it as many times as you need to. This isn't just an exercise to do mentally and still meet in person...Oh no...this means no seeing this person At All. And so this explains my answer to wanting to just go have a cup of coffee together...bad idea. Dont do it. If you did something like this daily, either meet, text, call or write him, you are undoing what you did with the breaking of the cord connection and not going anywhere and you will remain stuck with him for as long as one of you lives. I didnt pay it any mind at first but now looking back, its so clear that this helped me once it came time to talk with the pyschologist and I was able to at that final point realize it was time to part forever and no longer be his wife. We have kids and grandchildren together so at times there have been some family events, usually a few Holiday, not all, where we have seen each other and I can tell you that since I did nothing to recreate the cord between us that brings the emotions into play, I can tell you that I have no lingering feelings for him and he doesnt for me. He doesnt know I did this cord cutting in my mind but that also released him as well to move on. Although since he still hasn't owned up to his issues and failures and gone for help, he has not been able to find any healthy lasting relationship and all his daughters now want as little contact with him as possible due to how he treats them. I hope you are done with your guy and try what I have suggested, even if you feel silly doing it. I did but the results are great if you do nothing to rebuild the connection.
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Okay, first things first you are not abnormal for missing someone who treated you so poorly. Personally I just got out of a relationship almost identical to yours. What I have learned is its not the person you miss, its their company. In the beginning of my relationship I genuinely thought it was sweet that someone cared enough about me to always want to know were I was, what I was doing, when i'd be home etc. After a year I started to realize that something wasn't right, I wasn't happy. We always argued, and I mean always and over every little thing because you see with people like that all the strive for is control. Some people cant help it, its just how they are and they can't change. I tried for months on months to explain this to my partner that if he really did love or care about me he'd want me to be happy and to enjoy some things I liked, i.e. going out with friends and not being home at a certain time. You are 20 years old for crying out loud no man has the right to give you a curfew. This behavior goes along with trust, maybe he has very bad trust issues, my partner sure did. The thing is, is that no person has the right to control your happiness, but what I understand is after some time it ends up your partner has that control over you so it can get to the point you are walking on egg shells to do everything right to keep him happy so that then you will be happy. This is not a healthy way to live and is very hard to escape. So with that being said I am proud of you for having the guts to take some time apart, will you stop missing him? Maybe not anytime soon, but that's normal. You just don't want to put yourself back in that unhappy rut of you running yourself dry trying to please someone else. Personally I still miss my partner even though at times he was so so manipulative and just flat out mean to me, but I have learned to find happiness in other things because at the end of the day people will always let you down so you have to be okay with yourself. I know it sounds a whole lot easier than it actually is because there will be days that you are just going to be sad and the option to just run back to him will probably loom over you for quite sometime, but ultimately if you ever want to resolve this issue the only solution is to love yourself and trust god because he has a way better plan than what we imagine. It seems to me right now you are just going through all the emotions and trust me I understand how hard it is when your down and so lonely, but im promising you that you are doing the right thing by taking yourself out of a toxic relationship no matter how much it hurts you are doing whats right. Personally I just missed him because he was like my best friend, it was an unhealthy addiction that everyone could see except me for the longest time. My best advice to you is to cut off all communication with him no matter how much it hurts and delete old pictures off of your phone, maybe store them on your computer for years to come if you want to look back, but for now the last thing you need is to have something that reminds you of him. It seems to me you are strong and theres something in you that warned you something wasn't right, sometimes people come into your life to teach you a lesson, that's what happened to me. I feel if you reach out to him that will only give him what he wants and if he is as manipulative as my partner was he will know you're in a vulnerable state and probably take that to his advantage. I personally will pray for you because I know how tough this can be and I really do hope the best for you, keep me updated and just know you aren't alone!
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