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Loving two people
I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, who I love, for five years. He's honest, hard working, loyal. He has all the characteristics that any woman would hope for in a man. We have a really healthy relationship, we hardly fight and are good about communicating with each other. But there's this guy... We met through mutual friends a couple years ago when I was with my boyfriend already.Time went on and with no effort at all we became really good friends. We are so connected in a way that I have never been connected to somebody before. And it is known between me and this person that we have feelings for each other. I have tried for years to shake these feelings for him because I feel guilty about thinking about somebody else when I'm with my boyfriend. So, the problem is that I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, I love him and I love spending time with him but I'm falling for this other person and I can't keep going on in this relationship while I'm having thoughts about somebody else. It's not fair to my boyfriend, myself or the other person. So do I continue to try and suppress my feelings for this person who I see on a weekly basis? Or do I break it off with my current boyfriend?
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Miss undersmock has some good points. After 5 years, you mention nothing about whether this bf is the one you want to marry and have kids with or if he doesnt want to got that little bit more in commitment. And you didn't mention age, also a factor depending on the actual situation.
Her reaction is what you will get from most anyone and its my first one too. I wonder why threaten a great relationship by getting involved with another, unless perhaps you are too close to the situation to see what is Not right with your great relationship. You did say that you love the boyfried for 5 yrs but instead of saying he loves you too, you launched into trying to convince us exactly how he is a good guy "honest, hard working and loyal". Those are good traits and yes, when seeking a life long relationship or long term one, those are traits to look for but theres so much more to finding ones perfect mate.
I could go the easier route and say perhaps you are polyamorous at heart, able to have several real love relationships in life at the same time.
But there is a catch here if truly polyamorous, because ones partner would know all about it and give his approval and not feel jealous like he's losing you. It goes both ways and means you'd be supportive of your boyfriend also have other love interests, not just sex partners but people who truly become a part of his life.
It becomes not a comparison of something lacking in one, or something better in another, but just someone with a different personality and things to bring to the relationship. This is not for young people who havent started having kids for if sexual with several, it can be a problem if you don't have the core relationship where you two are planning on kids but you end up pregnant by others. Polyamory is not an answer for young folks because they are still learning how to handle one relationship successfully and having two or more just multiplies the problems you're having in the first one, cus you are still the same person with your own same baggage that goes into all other relationships until a person learns to deal with them self and become a whole person before getting into one let alone more relationships.
My guess if that you haven't really given thought to want you need and want in a man. Other than some of the obvious basics that you were able to recognize to look for, what would be a custom made perfect partner for you, not saying without issues cus none of us are perfect but right for each other as far as working well as a pair and together with similar goals and even things to learn in life. Make a list of the qualities of each guy. Is there something lacking in one that is not there in the other? You can't have everything on your list, but make sure that what you do get is the core important stuff in a guy, the things which if missing make it a deal breaker to be in relationship with him. While you are thinking about your needs, remember, that you are need to be perfect for some guy to meet what he needs most in a mate and wife and mother of his kids. Both need to be perfect for each other, not just the guy right for you but you are not right for him, he's just content to settle for less. Perhaps you settled for less with the 5 yr boyfriend. What do your friends and family think of the bf? If settling for less, by choice, say on a scale of 1 to ten, you have a 7, or 8 and thats good. But you are hoping to find a 10, you may be looking for someone who just isn't out there. I will say that I do understand how it is easy for the heart to fall in love with several people at the same time. But its the practicality of living out a life with one versus the other that you need to be very sure about. Sometimes its just the excitement of a new relationship that mimics the real thing, called New relationship energy as I don't think its been 5 yrs of knowing number 2, probably more like 2 yrs. You may think you know him well in that time but you don't have that kind of time to invest in getting to know him that well, like the living with someone, knowing the person sort of thing. Be careful in what choices you make because in the end, you can lose it all.
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You didnt mention how old you are here or if you could see yourself with your boyfriend forever, maybe getting married or having kids so this is difficult for me to answer because im lacking a few few key pieces of information.
If a friend asked me this i would say back..."WELL do you WANNA screw up a perfectly good thing you already have with a guy who sounds like he really cares for you?....what does the other guy have that your boyfriend doesnt? Is there anything that your boyfriend could do for you that hes not doing NOW that maybe if you just told him, he could fulfill?"
To me i think long term, so i think if theres some guy thats constantly on your mind and its not your husband, then ask yourself what is it about this guy that he does that your husband does not? ask yourself are you just bored but that things have settled down with you and your man?
People always want what they cant ness. have so the grass will look greener on the other side ya know....
But maybe if you water the grass on YOUR side you wont feel the need to look elsewhere.
just a thought.
good luck.
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