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I have a bf but I have feelings for my guy friend too
So I'm 19/f and I have an amazing boyfriend. He is literally so amazing to me and loves me and I love him too. But throughout our relationship, which has lasted for almost a year now, I think about this other guy I used to like. He's been my friend for a few years now and a little over a year ago I started to like him. He was negative sometimes, and he did somethings that I didnt like but I still felt that there was this light in him and I thought about him all the time and just liked him so much. But I always thought that it wouldnt work out cause I didnt want to ruin my friendship with him and I didnt feel he was mature enough to be in a relationship. Then I met my now boyfriend and hes just been so amazing and surpasses my friend tenfold in everything. But there are times that I miss him so damn much. And that ive thought about being with him and how i just want to hangout with him again and talk to him more. Even tho we didnt even talk a whole lot even before I got with my boyfriend. I dont think he even likes me in that way at all. But sometimes I just cant shake thinking about him and missing him. I barely talk to him anymore now that im in a relationship cause my bf wouldnt feel comfortable with it and I dont think itd be right of me considering I still have feelings for him. But I do talk to him sometimes still on holidays and birthdays. Anyways I just feel bad, I cant tell my boyfriend at all. Not at all. But I have these feelings and I just dont know what to do. Im not going to leave my bf and im not going to tell him either. Ive lied to him too when hes asked me if ive ever had thoughts about another guy or if I ever feel unhappy in our relationship. And I just idk Im not sure what im asking. Maybe I just want to get this off my chest and have someone tell me what to do or something. I dont want to give up talking to my friend, i dont want to break up with my bf and I deff do not want to tell him. Am I a horrible person? I love my bf and I dont have these feelings all the time but sometimes I do and I just dont know what to to! Anyway sorry for the babbling, and thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Please help me! Tell me something, give me some advice! Thank you!
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The way I understand it, you not only have feelings for your boyfriend but have feelings for the male friend.But if you are being realistic, in the world we live in, monogamy seems to be the most common relationship makeup especially in the states. But I do know of people who can have feelings for more than one person, and theres a few of those, polygamy, polyandry and polyamory. The first is one man with many lady loves who do not have other men. The second is one woman with many male loves who do not have any other women. And the last is where both partners in a relationship have love partners other than their core relationship. Well, there's open marriages too. This works for some people but it takes having your stuff together way more than for one relationship and ones partner might not feel the same way. I am not saying this is your answer as the boyfriend sounds monogamous. You are only 19. If you feel the same in 15 yrs, maybe then explore it. But I'd be open with any man you tend to marry and let him know if you feel yourself still at least curious about such a relationship. For example, picture yourself being okay with your bf or husband having another female he openly loves and you know about. If you can be okay with that, you may be poly. But at your age, you still need to learn how to handle one relationship successfully so adding others in is not really an option even if you had a bf okay with it. It is okay to have fantasies and think about others, even during sex, but as to having the full relationship with this other friend, from what you say, there are too many reasons he would never make a good substitute for who you have now. Perhaps what you have is really only an emotional tie and sometimes, the subconscious mind isn't on the same level as your conscious mind and hasn't caught up with reality, living in the past. Our emotions live with our subconscious and often our subconscious can seem to be working against us. In this case you need to keep talking to yourself which in essense is talking to your subconscious mind, of course when bf isnt around to hear but telling it, Hey listen, Joe may still be our friend and as a friend its okay to care about him and love him as a friend. But I want you to know that he is not relationship material and I will not be getting back together with him on the side or leaving Mike to be with him. So you need to learn to not hope for more cus I don't want more. I don't want romantic feelings for him and I don't want to feel guilty about having any feelings so you need to get on the same page with me, that Mike is the one and only for me, not Joe. Joe will only be a male friend.
give yourself this pep talk often until your subconscious mind gets the picture. But I wouldnt say anything to the current boyfriend because this is not cheating and if he isn't totally open minded and realistic as to the ways of being human and if he is easily threatened as a male, then its best to not say anything and its hard to control our thoughts but as far as you really seeing someone else, you aren't so you shouldnt feel guilty. You are not horrible. This is just one of those situations of life that do happen often enough, its just most people don't talk about it and try to ignore it so you may feel you are so way out of line here and its kind of a normal occurence. So when your mind goes to think yearningly of old bf, capture the thought and replace it with, but Mike is so much better relationship material and I love him, so I don't need to think that way of Joe anymore.
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Hey there!
Im a newcomer to this website, so I hope I can help!
That's a sticky situation!
Firstly, before I start giving advice the first think I would like to say is do not blame yourself, do not be angry at yourself, we're all human, and we can't control out feelings, neither can we choose who we fall for.
If you feel this way, you should sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him, you should hold his hands and explain to him that you never want to hurt him and he means a lot to you, it wont be easy of course, but it's not fair on either of you to keep this going if you don't have feelings for him. It's kind of lying to him about your relationship.
Tell him how you've been feeling, and that its not his fault, you still care about him, and you're really sorry.
Or I could be wrong, these feelings could pass, if you are sure about your feelings and you love your boyfriend then you will make it work, you will work hard to follow your heart on how much he means to you, like I said you're not a bad person, you just need to work out how you feel, I understand that you need advice with this, it's a tricky situation. But nobody can tell you what to do. Its a decision that you need to make. I will be more than happy to listen to you and give you as much advice as possible. I hope in some way i've helped.
DanSkittles13, 23, AU.
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