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Mum talks to me like a child
I'm 20 but my mum will still call me 'princess ' and 'honey blossom' in public sat if we're out shopping.
Also she likes me to come home every weekend when I'm at uni and she has to call me at set times during the week which is awkward because often it's on evenings and I have plans to go out or I'll be at a bar when she calls!
She hates me spending much time anywhere else and acts off with me -think she's jealous. She has to know my whereabouts always and suggests curfews saying 'it won't take you and '*friend* 5 hours to look round the shops ' etc.
She even takes time off work to take my sister to job interviews. I love her and really don't want to hurt her but I'm sick of being treated as a child!
I have made steps to progress... when she calls me baby names I'll respond in an adult off sounding way . And I'll rearrange these calls for later in the evening (really I'd rather she never called at all)
What can I do? My dad who lives with us treats me like an adult !
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Even if mom is not a controller, she may have long ago decided to not have a life of her own beyond her husband and children and just doing for them and being involved in their lives. However, a person who has done this all her life with you may only begin to look obvious when her children reach adulthood and she is desperately trying to find excuses to still be in your life in the same way. It cant be as you're now an adult and this is the explanation behind having trouble cutting the apron strings. I like the idea of adviceman setting up one day a week to call unless an emergency and remindig her on unneeded calls that you will talk on Sunday or whatever day she chooses that also works for you. I would go a step beyond and suggest you set up regular mother-daughter dates. Of course it has to be when you both have time, don't cater to only what works for her. Make one a trip to a nursery to enjoy the plants when gardens are not in bloom yet, perhaps buy Mom a small plant, or taking her to a tea shop to purchase and sit and enjoy some tea, or lunch out, or even just walking through a mall together or walking in a park and bring along a simple picnic. Mom will have trouble letting go of being in your life all the time and not needed in the same way any more but mother daughter dates could help ease her through the adjust period. Just mention a date with her, set the day and if she wants you to come home weekends or any other time that you and her don't have a date set, then remind her you'll see her Monday night and pick her up for your date night. Let your Dad know of your plans, speaking to him in private so He can also help remind Mom that she has one day a week phone calls and a date night with you and encourage her to wait for those as you are an adult and have your own life.
If Mom doesnt pick up on hints to not use pet names in front of friends, I would tell her something like, " have no idea how else to get it through to you that I expect this little bit of respect from you. If you choose to not give it to me when in public, then I won't give it to you. How would you like it if I introduce you as my old lady, or by making a tease of your name, like what your friends called you growing up, this is Helen the melon, or Ditzy Mitsy, Truly drooly Julie. I have tried everything else and you stil insist on embarassing me in public. I'd hate to give you a taste of what its like but I will if thats the only way to get through to you. I love you but I will fight for the respect due to me as an adult. This is the last time I ask you nicely.
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I'm not sure if mom is having trouble cutting the apron strings or if she is a bit of a controller. Either way you have to declare your independence from her or it will be this way for the rest of your life. Something that could cause problems later when your married as well.
Pet names can be troubling as well during an emergency as well. Now this doesn't apply to you hopefully but is a good example of how a pet name can be bothersome during an emergency. I was a member of a rescue Squad when we received a call for a woman who had overdosed. We were finally able to get her to concentrate and answer questions when in swarms her entire family calling her by several pet names. The woman just shut down and stopped talking. We found out later at the hospital that she hated these pet names and in fact was the reason for the overdose. When time is of the essence you can't be calling someone by a name that puts them off.
You and your sister need to have a discussion with your mother. Use my story, adjust as need be to fit what you want to say, when talking to her. You have to impress upon your mother that you are no longer a child. That while you love her she must allow you to lead your own life. You will call her when you can and she should call you if she has an emergency or at a time each week you and she agree upon like Sunday morning.
Your sister should insist on this too if she is of legal age even if she is living at home. If she is not of legal age then she needs with your help to explain to mother that she needs some space to spread her wings and prepare to be an adult. Part of parenting is helping a child be ready to take his or her place within adult society. This includes cutting the apron strings when a child becomes and adult.
If mom is not having trouble cutting the apron strings but is in fact a controller. Then expect to have to repeat this conversation many times. When she calls at inconvenient times answer the phone and ask if this is an emergency. If she say no or starts in with questions as to where you are or why you are not at home. Say mom this is not the time for this conversation. we can talk on Sunday and hang up. Yes it is rude but it is the only way to get the message across to a controller. IF she calls back let the call go to voice mail.
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