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Why does the college application process give me crippling anxiety?
I have been trying to muster enough strength to apply to college over the past 5 fall application seasons. I had above average grades in high school but I just feel overwhelmed by all the choices, especially my dream schools. I'm not targeting Harvard or anything, but I still feel overwhelmed. It must be worse for me now, applying as a 21 year old first year student, and I don't know why I step on my own feet and am so frozen by the process that plenty of high schoolers do, no problem. I've been working in the meantime, and I'm not lazy at all, I just undervalue myself in that it's hard for me to promote myself to a college with such high stakes. I wrote papers in high school for grades with no problems. But writing a personal statement when the stakes are so high terrifies me. How can I move past this and make progress, before applications are due in January? Would it be embarassing to be a 22 year old college freshman? Even if it is, college is non-negotiable for me. I figure if I'm going to debt, it better be worth it, so I want to get the best education possible, though community college will be my fall back, if I don't get in anywhere this time around. I'm so tired of my BS, and my parents don't understand it either. I shut them out because I'm already hard on myself enough, they don't know that I've never actually applied anywhere, I'll make the Commonapp and make accounts on college websites, and do everything but write the essays. I even got recommendations last year, which I messed up by not finishing my application. I felt so mortified by it that I haven't communicated with the person who gave one of my recommendations in over a year, that's how much I step on my own feet. My peers are about to graduate next year, and I'm still worried about things they advanced through as teenagers. I had depression and anxiety for most of the years before, and I've improved a lot this year, compared to the past, and the ultimate way to show that would be to make this progress in my life. Some people think they need to convince me to go to college but they don't understand that I've always had college in my plan, I plan on getting up to a PhD. I don't see what else would be the point of living if not to contribute something to the world. I want to do economics, and though I had As in math and economics (honors classes, too) in high school, I'd have to take refresher classes to remember certain formulas and what not that used to come naturally to me. I've been wanting to apply as a first year and not do the community college and transfer route since first year admissions have the highest admissions rate. Is that a smart or dumb idea? I know, my whole story probably seems really dumb, but I'm a human, and those are my irrational faults I'm working with, and trying to overcome. As a teenager, I saw several therapists, but they never got through to me. I've been getting more religious and that has been helping me, as I have a lack of friendships and what not (part of why I was depressed as a teenager, at ages when I was supposed to be having the "time of my life"). It's funny that my years 16-21 have actually been my worst. I want to turn that around by my next birthday, and get back on track on the good course I used to be on. I just don't know how I'd appear to admissions counselors. Would it be better to downplay my personal struggles or to be totally honest? What if they feared I relapsed? How would I prove to them that I wouldn't? I'm just freely speaking here, but writing is actually one of my biggest strengths, so it's ridiculous to me that has been my stumbling block. People say it's perfectionism, but I never consider anything I write to be perfect. I just have high standards about it. Heck, I even tutor kids and teenagers to help them with their reading and writing skills. Sorry this is such a mess. I can't afford a therapist right now, I have no friends to speak to (partially my fault for pushing people away, and mostly because most people don't reach out to me.). I feel I'd be a much better student than I would have been at 18, still in my depression, but I don't know how to get that across. Being a tutor has made me really miss going to school, studying for tests, and what not. I feel envious when I hear people speak of finals and what not. Ok, so in general, how do I mend relationships, get everything done by January 1st, and in general just always being my best self? Please be honest, and please also be nice, I'd really appreciate it.
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Your story reminds me of a story I read recently in a book by a psychologist where the business professional discovered that what held him back was his self imposed professionalistic thoughts. He was so afraid of his own perceived ideas of what others would think of him doing less than excellant just once, or failing once, that it crippled him into not being able to continue on in life without great anxieties.
You sound like you suffer from distorted thinking. Fortunately there is a way to be healed and move past that. The part you'll have trouble with is that the person trained to help you is a psychologist, but not your average medication dispensing Dr. There have been greater and faster results that are not temporary but for ever in almost all cases where CBT is used. That is cognitive behavioral therapy. If you are sick and tired of being stuck in a rut like this, the CBT does address depression and anxities. The book I read was "When Anxieties Attack" by David D. Burns. If you can get your hands on a copy, I think reading it will give you hope. Its not easy to self diagnose yourself and what it is in particular that is holding you back but having a professional trained in CBT can help. Dr. Burns book was found at my library. YOu can search there, order it from a book store. Visit his website where you can read comments of those helped by CBT, view a video or two of the Dr. and so on. This is the only thing I know that can help. If it helps you at all to not think that you are broken or worthless, the fact is most humans tend to think way more negative thoughts than positive ones. Its just that some of us catch ourself doing it and dont dwell on the negative but counteract with positive thoughts. It isnt that well known a human frailty but it is very real and it is just that some of us are even from childhood or teen years so bombarded by distorted or negative thoughts as I was, that it really does cripple you and its like being a non swimmer, down underwater drowning until a hand reaches down and grabs you to pluck you out. You can't find a way out on your own. But therapy concerning the thought process is that helping hand. I am posting a video of Dr. Burns and his website for you. I hope it encourages you to find a Dr. in your area who does the same.
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Please watch this video
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