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I am in love and I think he's the one 25/f
He's amazing. He's the guy I've always dreamt of marrying. It's crazy how this happened. I had his business card and I meant to call him for something related to the business. i was given this card by someone else, so I hadn't met him in person yet.
I had no idea what this person looked like and I was imagining someone much older than me, someone like my parent's age or even grandparent's age! But, a thought entered my head that I just laughed off. The thought was very clear. This is the guy that you are going to marry. I thought this was the most ridiculous thing I could ever think. Especially because I imagined him to be old enough to be my father. But... then, by pure chance, I met him in person... having no idea that he was the guy whose business card I had been given. When I met him, the world just stopped turning. And you could tell that it happened to both of us. I've never in my life felt that before. I thought to myself, he's so handsome and he has such a kind spirit. Then, the guy hands me his business card and I realize that it is the one that I already had! I was shocked! Ever since then, we've become very close friends, but you can tell that the attraction is mutual.
His mother and I have become the best of friends. We frequently go to each other's houses and have lunch together all the time. She's been the kind of mom I always wanted and the kind of mom I've never had. I was adopted at birth by a narcissistic mother. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. She meddles in every aspect of my life. She humiliates me and ridicules me. As a person whose adopted, I feel like I lost out on the chance of having a good mom twice. So, having her in my life as a mother figure has really meant a lot to me. This woman has answered the phone to me at the late hours of the night because I've been devastated and distraught by the arguments I have had with my mom. We are so alike. And he has even told me that in my character, I remind him of his mom. I couldn't feel anymore blessed that I've met these people by pure chance.
My mom, on the other hand, is completely and totally against this relationship happening. She claims that he is gay and that he is likely having a rendevouz with his friend, who lives with him and his mom. First of all... there is a legitimate reason as to why he lives there. it's not like one day he just packed his bags and knocked on the door. Second of all, everyone in this scenario is still in school, so money is a factor. But she claims that she had a "vision" about it in the bathroom. That's ridiculous. And I think it's really prejudice of accusing people of being gay just because they have a roommate of the same sex. I'm just flabbergasted by this whole situation. My mom has someone else in mind for me. This guy with a lot of money. He's really sweet and nice and we have a lot in common! For one, we both happen to be adopted, we have a lot of mutual friends in common, and he is a sincere gentlemen. I'm willing to go out on a date with him. That's all fine and dandy. But, she's pushing him down my throat because of the money and I don't like that. My feelings for guy #1 are real. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I think I'm in love. His family has made me his own and I love them.
This other guy's mom sounds really mean, just like my mom. I don't know that for sure because I've never met her, but what has been described to me. She definitely isn't the same type of person. Maybe I may change my mind. Maybe I could fall in love with guy #2 and maybe I'm wrong about his mom. I'm willing to give him a chance since I have the option to. But, I don't like him being pushed down my throat because of money! That's disgusting. And the fact that my mom is spreading rumors about guy #1 being gay and telling the WHOLE family. I hate that. I just want to feel my feelings in private. When I make a decision that effects my family, I will listen to their input. But, I don't need their permission to feel.
So, I have two questions:
1) How can I make my feelings for guy #1 more known? I mean, I can't just come out and tell his mom: Cynthia, I'm in love with your son! I would like to tell one of his friends to maybe get more valuable input by someone who knows him well. But, then I'm afraid that they'll tell him right away. I have to make things a little more obvious and move them along, but with a hint of subtle.
2) I need to make it known to my family that I'm tired of the mistreatment. That if guy #1 feels the same way about me... then I'm all for it. That I'm head over heels in love with him and I don't care what anyone says. That if I marry him, they can never speak to me again for all I care. I sincerely love him. I love him as one my best friends. And aside from that, I'm in love with him. I can't feel the same love for a group of people who treat me so badly. So, I'm not choosing this guy over my family because I'm some rebellious kid. I'm an adult and I'm choosing to be with whoever treats me with the love and respect I deserve.
I really look forward to your responses. Thank you
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Sit Mom down and have a talk with her. She may not have a life of her own outside of you. If since you are adopted, you're the only child, theres also the chance she may be trying to resist the empty nest feeling, of knowing you'll soon be on your own with a family of your own. This could be why she meddles with you as she does, continueing to make decisions on your behalf. You need to reassure her that you love her for who she is, the woman who raised you and was a mother to you. However, you are now an adult and have been a long time and its time for you to make your own decisions. Remind her that if you want any advice, you will ask for it but until you ask for it, advice, or insistance on choices or dAs much as I love you, if you persist in pushing your ideas and suggestions on me without being invited, it opens the door for me to become resentful of you and want to avoid you. I know I dont want that to happen and hope you don't either. (remember, dont ask for permission but state will is acceptable to you) If you say "Mom, could you please let me start making my own decisions about who to date?" Thats asking permission. Even, 'Mom, I want to make my own decisions" is still a bit too weak, its only stating what you want, not stating what you are going to do whether she likes it or not. This should help some unless Mom is very unreasonable and argumentative by nature or may have some cognitive distortions or possibly undetected mental illness that prevent her from seeing your rights and the good reasoning here.
As for the guy, I dont know what business he's in that you may have need of but you say your intuition picked up on the attraction for both of you. If he only wanted your business, giving the card makes sense but business people don't have time to cultivate an ongoing friendship with every potential client they meet or theyd have no time for clients. The fact you've both become best friends means he is attracted to you for you, not as a possible client. So you need to start talking. This holding ones thoughts and feelings inside and not talking to the object of their interest is more like middle school or HS relationships. Its was already pointed out from the other advice person, by now you should have learned enough to know the best thing to do is talk to him. To do so without scaring him, don't come out with I like you or I love you as if its already a done deal, that scares a guy. State it as if it is just beginning to happen as in, "Troy, I want to let you know that I am starting to have feelings stronger than just friendship for you. I need to know if you are available and if you have any feelings like that towards me. If not, I'd still like to remain friends as I enjoy your Mom very much and dont want there to be any awkwardness.
This is his chance to let you know he still only sees you as a friend which means that still could change, or that he doesnt have any romantic feelings towards you or that he;s glad you mentioned it cus he is feeling the same as you and would like to explore getting to know you better and date.
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1) First and foremost, you're 25. You know that the best way to find something out is to have a talk and better understand the other person. I would suggest having an honest talk with guy #1 and see where his head is at. There's no point of being subtle when you have guy #2 who is also interested in you (Who, it seems, you are also giving a chance to). As cliché as it may be, honesty is the best policy.
Meaning if guy #1 happens to not like you, despite you thinking the feeling between you and him was mutual, then you can move on (as difficult as it may be for you and hopefully this is not the case). However, this does not mean you cannot be friends with guy #1's mom because I'm sure she thinks of you as her own daughter by now.
2) IF guy #1 feels the same way about you, then let your family know about how you feel mistreated and that their loves pales in comparison to the love you've received from guy #1's family.
Most importantly, never marry for money. When money runs out or dwindles, love could be enough to keep a couple together. As rude as this may sound, your mother seems toxic to you and could end up being toxic to guy #1's family. And so, your second question was already answered since it is alright to pick guy #1's family over your own because it's your life and you deserve to choose to be with whoever treats you with the love and respect you deserve.
Best of luck and hope everything works out for you.
Cheers,
Hitch.
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