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I need to break up with him
hey there. so, i've asked a smilier question a few times... but it was more geared around whether or not I should actually break up with him considering that there were so many factors to the equation and I didn't really know if that was what I wanted to do for sure.
But, now, I'm sure. I need to break up with him. At this point, I'm completely checked out of the relationship. This is going nowhere. And I've fallen in love with someone else. I'm not the type of person who will naturally be attracted to other guys when i'm in a relationship. I'm not a cheater. And I would never leave a relationship because i have feelings for someone else. Because... if I made a commitment to the person I am with, I have to recognize that these are emotions and they may come to pass. I would make a conscious effort to try to rid myself of those feelings and honor my commitments.
But, this goes much deeper.
I hope that someone can help me with this. I'm not looking for a response like "you just have to do it" but maybe an experience, an alternative way of doing this, I don't know. I mean, I know I owe him the truth, but the truth may be too hurtful. I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and it would be done. I just don't want to do the act. I wish I could get on a plane and just leave the country and he just doesn't hear from me again lol. I want to avoid it. Can someone please offer me some advice on this? Thank you!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Breaking up will always bring hurt and or disappointment to the one being broken up with. It can't be avoided as it is a part of life. I don't remember if you were simply dating him or whether a commitment was made to be a couple and only be with each other. I also don't recall if you have been dating long. What you say could depend on those two pieces of info. Sorry, this will be much longer as I have to guess each scenerio.
For example: short time dating, no commitment-- if you understand that dating is only a way to gather info and get to know someone you're attracted to better to see if they'd be a good match for you, then you can say, “Ron, we've been dating 6 months now. For me, dating is a way to learn I've given this a lot of thought and have decided that we don't have enough in common or chemistry to make this work. I'm truly sorry.”
If short term dating but commitment was made: “Ron, we've been together for 6 months now, 5 as a committed couple. I didn't know enough about you at the time I committed to be your girlfriend. In the remaining months, I've gotten to know you better and have come to realize we don't have as much in common as I thought, we have different life paths and goals and I just don't feel the kind of chemistry needed to make this a strong healthy relationship, so its time for us to part.”
If long term dating, commitment or not: “Ron, as you know, we've been together a year now/ 2 ½ yrs now, and in all that time , no matter how much time or effort I put in, I've not felt like we really worked out together. I actually realized this a long time ago but was confused for a while and I am not one to quit easily when the going is tough. You and I are too different for me to be able to be content in the relationship. And no one should ever have to change who they are and pretend they are something different that goes against their whole character and personality. You only weaken who you really are by pretending to be someone you aren't just to please or keep me. It would be unfair of me to accept that or expect that of you. You should be perfect just as you are cus you're a really nice guy, you are just not right for me as far as I am concerned. But you will be right for another gal who loves you just the way you are. You deserve that and so I need to break up with you.
Notice no mention of a new guy cus he isn't the issue of the break up. If he see's you with a new guy shortly after the breakup and confronts you about it, tell him you met the guy shortly after the breakup.
In my explanations, I mention the purpose of dating which people assume means you are commited to a person or its a way to have a partner for social purposes only, not with life long commitment together. This is one thing that gets people stuck staying in the wrong relationship, cus of feeling guilty when they shouldn't because its natural to check something out and give it a try before we decide on it. You can't say you dont like a new ethnic food until you've tasted it, so you give it a try and then decide. When purchasing a car, you usually take it for a test drive first. Relationships are more complicated and require more time and energy to really discover if you like the person beyond the initial attraction enough to be a fit for a life long relationship.
Chemistry is another real reason person don't match. It takes being each others best friend and having the right sexual chemistry for it to work. Cant make it work with just one. If sex is great but arent best friends, then the only time you dont fight is when having sex. If best friends but not compatible in sex, then, one or both go outside the relationship secretly so as to not hurt their best friend and have sex with anothers. That does still hurt. If both your pheremones are too vastly different and don't match, then sex relations will suffer. This is all real reasons for not staying with someone.
What I suggest you do is write a list of the qualities you are looking for in a guy to confirm them in your mind. It will help you to determine more quickly if a guy is right for you and if you are able to communicate right up front when you first meet, what exactly you are looking for in a guy, it lets him know whether he should even pursue you to begin with. Say you meet someone at a party and both of you never end up talking to anyone else, cus there's a strong attraction. That as you know isn't enough for long term. So just ask him, “Tell me, what would be the ideal girl for you, describe the character, personality of what you are looking for.” Make him really think and dont accept, “Its you, you are my ideal girl” cus thats a cop out from really thinking this out. It's not like you're making a decision on which of 21 flavors of icecream you want tonight....a relationship is much more important.
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