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Boyfriend gone off me?
So me and my bf are 20 and have been together for two years. Because we live an hour away on the train we only see each other once a week (if that).
So recently my bf said for his 21st birthday he wants to spend it in Dublin on a lads weekend. (we live in England)
I told him I felt left out and he just said that every guy has lads weekends. Then he said he'd come and stay with me a few days before he flies to dublin for his actual birthday-but because I live near to an airport so it'd be handy!
Its also things in the past he's done-like he doesn't seem keen to have full blown sex anymore and the other day he refused to go for a meal at a restaurant with me opting instead for 'fast food' (so we just bought our own) and the day after we went shopping and he happily spent £30 on himself!
Truth me told-I'm not sure he is the guy I want to spend my life with-but I don't know what to do?
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I am glad you added your last sentence, wondering about if he's the guy to spend your whole life with. Most of us date without that in mind having thought of every possible angle in the future of the relationship. I was like that at 20 and am now divorced from the man I married at the age. So i will share two things, a book I recently read that I find in hindsight, very helpful to teaching women how to understand men, how they think, their priorities, and also how to commmunicate what you need, and keeping to your standards, not settling for less. I found at my library in U.S. If not in yours, perhaps it can be downloaded via the net or a bookstore can order it.
"What Men Say, What Women Hear" by Linda Papadopoulos. She is a licensed Psychologist who uses the CBT method to teach people....that's cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches how our thoughts can influence our behavior so if its distorted, not well informed thoughts, our behavior can be erratic and we cause our own unhappiness in relationships. Dont worry, I'm not blaming you for anything. But there are thoughts and ideas that made you choose him in the first place and now you need to seek for really clear thoughts to decide wherher to stay with him or not. I am not witness to whats going on so I can't say outright why he seems to have lost interest. Hopefully its nothing that over 2 yrs finally killed his love for you. Thats what happend in reverse for me. My 1st husbands treatment of me, eventually killed my love for him. While I didnt hate him either tho he treated me badly, I no longer was in love with him. Then again, he is young and its very likely at 20, even tho I know we all feel so adult and mature at the time, that he truly isn't ready for the adult responsibilities of the commitment and kind of love for a life long relationship that includes taking care of you and likely raising a kid or two.
Number two here is a list of how to tell if a guy loves you in determining whether to stay with him or not. Before you read it, I can already tell by what you shared that he falls low on the list. But here it is anyways. Hope it helps. Good luck dear. I'd like to know what you eventually do decide as I always hope that what I learned by the school of hard knocks, the bad experiences, may save other women from the same mistakes.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him, without thinking of you. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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