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my boyfriend is no longer emotionally intimate with me
I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and up until a year ago everything was great, I nightstart out with our biggest issues we have in our relationship. my boyfure/d relocated with my to my home state of Indiana from nc and he hATES it here but I can't move back to nc because I have a crazy baby daddy that is obsessed with me, not our child, but me. anyways he was angry at me for a while because I didn't want to move back and along with that he had a really bad drinking problem it got so bad when we moved that I rarely saw him sober he was turning mean and constantly aiming to hurt my feelings so I told him to quit drinking or leave. he has been sober for three months now. we've been in countless arguments about his drinking and where we live and this and that, I've told him look I love you but if you want to go home that bad then go, I won't hold it against you, but he refuses to go. he stays. but I'd say over the past year he's becomes very disconnected, he's never been a real emotional person but now unless I initiate any romantic gestures (kisses hugs cuddling) he doesn't bother, and when I do initiate it he stiffness up like I'm bothering him. we hardly even have sex anymore, and when we do it's robotic, no foreplay, no passion just reproductive sex. I feel very alone and unwanted and do I everything I can to let him know I'm there for him and that I love/him but I dont get it in return, he swares he feels the same about me but I dont see it, he k/ow how he is making me feel but just shrugs it off and changes the subject, I don't know what to do, what's changed or why, I've tried to talk about it a bunch but he just says nothing is wrong.
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So my first guess is that he is holding resentments against you and that is why how he feels about you has changed. For the life of me, I can't see why he is staying if you gave him permission to leave. The only reason a person has for acting like he is, is due to distorted thinking. We all do this to some extent, negative thoughts too but for many its not a crippling thing in our lives or doesnt affect others. In his case, I'd say he is having troubles with his cognitive abilities as far as thoughts and thereby actionss he takes or doesnt take, and so on. Not saying its mental illness. As I said, all people do this, just not so overtly. Blaming you for his being in a place he doesnt like is not your fault but his. It is also his decision so far to stay, not return yet he punishes you maybe even subconsciously, not with his conscious mind and on purpose, but he feels bad and wants you to feel bad too. Or it may be that he doesnt feel much self confidence and doesnt think he can find another girl ever after you so his thinking is to cling on to you or he acts needy in hopes of getting his own way. With negative thoughts, a person tends to imagine a very rigid narrow outcome of how they day or life should go and when it doesnt, cus life is unpredictable and we all need to be flexible therefore, he became miserable. My ex husband was like this. If a day went by that didn't turn out as he expected it should, he let out all his anger and frustration on me with verbal abuse when I had nothing to do with it. I hung in 30 yrs before I left him. Hon, you can't imagine the kind of stress that such a situation builds up in you over time and the stress has to go somewhere so it comes out mentally, emotionally as depression or it causes health problems. I suffered many of stress related issues, headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers and total body itchy rashes that would come and go for a couple things. Cancer and heart attack a couple major stress caused ones I wanted to avoid so I finally left before those could happen too. You really aren't getting anything much out of this relationship and its not going to improve unless he meets with a counselor who teaches people how to improve their thought life and thereby their life via the CBT methods, cognitive behavioral therapy. He doesn't sound that bad off right now just by this one situation, but people who exhibit a problem in one area of their life never strictly have issues in just one area only. But maybe you are a better judge of whether he has more issues. It might come down to you having to leave him if he doesnt have the strength to leave you. Even if a counselor did work with him and he improved...he may come to realize that he still doesnt want to be with you and actually leaves, rather than realizing how unfairly he treated you and you all settle in to become a happy little family. That possibily is there but due to circumstance right not is not a big possibility. Have a talk with him and see if you can get him to reveal whats really bothering him and see if he feels any resentment towards you for not moving back. I think you made a good decision to get far away from that obsessive crazy guy. So I understand why you wont move back. You have good reason.Good luck dear.
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