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I want to die. This is too long to read.
I want to die. I have a lot of problems in my life. I just turned 18. I'm the third one in the family. I was pretty back then and was so popular. But now I got acne all over my face and I've been struggling with this for 3 months. It totally hinders me. I wasn't able to compete for interschool pageants because of my face. I've been to three clinics and they just recommended soaps and some products that were not able to solve my face for 3 months. I never had a boyfriend, I never had my first kiss, Im 18. Back then I was an honour student with outstanding GPA until last year I was freshman college I caught a chickenpox disease and I was not able to school for almost a month I missed a lot of oppurtunities like my tutoring job and pageants. My GPA last sem came down because of Mathematics that I wasnt able to focus because of my disease. Im so insecure I wanna die. Im smart but I wasnt able to be on the Dean's list. Majority of my classmates got into DL but I was left. My GPA was 1.58, just at least .4 points only and I should've got into the DL. It was because of math. My parents are professors in another university and they expected me to get into DL and then i failed. Im so depressed. I want to die. Everyday they tell me how stupid I am when I make mistakes. My classmates look me down. They underestemate me. Pls I need help. My grades are going down. I dont want to school anymore because im so depressed. I got fired in my job as a tutor. I got demoted by my freelance job. I wanna die. Pls help me. My dad always get angry like for everynight so I cant focus studying sometimes. I procastinate a lot like now I shoulda gone to school But i didn't coz im so helpless. Also some of my classmates hate me including my close friend because of group project fight. I am so afraid i might lose my oppurtunities to be a research assistant to my professors so that I could have an experience in research field. I so badly wanted to be a physician scientist and take MD/PhD in University of Toronto or in heidelberg but my classmates keep on saying that I wont be able to achieve it because im dumb. Im not the dumbest in the class, im smart sometimes and achieve in class sometimes though. Im taking BS Biology right now as my premed. A lot of people keep on saying that I have too big dreams that I might not achieve it. It depresses me more. I worked hard so I can go to Canada or somewhere in europe to study but people are stopping me plus how can i get a research experience when no professor will hire me as a research assistant coz of im not a DL, my gpa is not that bad though. Also im afraid I might not be able to be accepted in a univ abroad because Im dumb, i dont have what it takes to get accepted in md phd school. My university is not that well known though im in a univ that is really strict with high GPA and only smart students can enter so that somehow made me confident a bit, I live in southeast asia. I have no people to run to. I wanna die but Im afraid my dad would die too because of me (btw he's my other dad. I have 2 dads) my 2nd dad told me he'll support my studies abroad so that kept me going somehow. But i wanna die and I dont want to make my dad sad. I dont want to disappoint him. Im the only thing he has (my 2nd mom and dad have no child so they adopted me from my 2nd mom's brother which is my first dad whom I live with right now). Also I cannot talk with my 2nd dad right now coz he always travels. Whenever I talk to him he makes me feel better though as If im dying with myself. I had no one to talk to. My social lofe and personal life are messed up. Im dumb, ugly, not athletic (i got rid from swimming team), everyone hates me, I procastinate, I have nothing to be a physocian scientist. Plus I wasn't accepted as a writer in our school paper for like 3 times. And now Im flat broke coz i have no jobs. Im planning to moveout already since i turned 18 but coz of asian traditions, I cant unless I gradate from my studies. Im so helpless. I wanna die. Plus I think I have a disease coz my kneecap always get painful. Im not exaggerating this. Plus the guy I love lives too far from me who always cheer me up and give advices but now he's so busy and we weren't talking for 2 months. Im so depressed. What shoudl i do? Pls help me. Whenever I talk to our guidance counselor, it seems like its not helping and its like insulting idk. Whenever i talk to my friends they'll just be like *laugh and then say that's life then laugh again*. Sorry if it's too long and sorry if tgere are a lot of typos. Should I commit suicide and act as if it was an accident? Or should I drown myself whenever we'll have an outing so my dad wont be hurt too much that I died? Thanks for reading this. More power to you.
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First of all, you should look online to see if there are services that offer someone to talk to if you're feeling suicidal. I don't know where in asia you are. But chances are there WILL be some kind of helpline for people who are having suicidal thoughts in your area/region. So SEARCH!
As far as others telling you you can't do things. That's only their opinion. People are wrong sometimes. The opinion of others doesn't have to be your reality. A lot of highly successful people were told they couldn't do it and they still achieved greatness, because they believed they could and never gave up on their dream. Michael Jordan was cut from the basketball team when he was young. Yet he became one of the greatest, if not THE greatest of all time. Walt Disney got rejected or fired because he "lacked imagination" and look at what he created. Albert Einstein was also told he was too dumb when he was younger and wouldn't amount to much. He pretty much changed the world. There are many more examples I'm sure. This does not mean it was easy for them. I'm sure it wasn't. You seem to be very determined to achieve your goal. Your story could also be a success.
Maybe there's some kind of brain chemistry imbalance that making it easy for you to consider suicide. Maybe a doctor can check that out. Cause sometimes, that's all it is.
Its not uncommon for people to feel depressed. In your case, I think the constant thinking about what others say to you and what you think they think about you. Or school or what your family expects of you can get overwhelming and make you feel worthless and useless. (its also my understanding that Asian parents are very strict and expect a lot from their kids and put a lot of pressure on them) The pressure can get to you and make you not want to continue trying. I understand. I've been there where it seems like everything is crumbling and there's no climbing out of the hole. It would just be easier to let go and die. We don't know what happens after we die. Do you know for sure that its gonna be any better? Do you really wanna take that chance? Suicide seems to be a bad idea in most religions. If even one of them is right, not sure its worth it.
If your brain chemistry is normal. Then its all psychological and you yourself can do something to improve that. First and most importantly is to ACCEPT what is. When you accept what is (meaning your life situation. Friends, family, relationships, work, school, your body, your good attributes and your bad ones.) Accept it all! You don't have to be happy about it. You just have to accept it. When you accept what is, you diffuse/release the anxiety and discomfort of being where you are and NOT being where you would LIKE to be. This separation of being HERE while wanting to be THERE tears us apart mentally and causes anxiety and/or depression. So you must begin by accepting that you might not be able to become what you wanna become juuust yet, perhaps next year. Accept that you got rejected from this or that. (everyone gets rejected here and there by the way. Not just you.) Accept what is. You're putting too much burden on yourself and your mind is driving you to the point where it seems the only solution is to end it. I'm sure you don't ACTUALLY wanna die, you're just tired of the burden. Perhaps want someone to listen, understand and accept you. The beauty is that you can drop most of your burden, by accepting what is. Then you'll realize that things aren't as bad as they seemed. That's what got me out of wanting to die all the time. Accepting what is. After I made that choice I felt lighter and realized that things weren't as bad as I was making them out to be. But when you're depressed and in a downward spiral; its hard to climb out and see that the hole you were trying to get out of wasn't that deep to begin with. It just seems deep when you're inside of it.
We can create a really shitty reality in our minds. It doesn't matter how much of it is actually true. Our minds make it real. So if you're constantly thinking about how much life sucks, then the world is gonna show you what you hold in your mind. I'm sure there's people in the world that are WAY worse off than you. WAY WAY WORSE. They would LOVE to switch places with you. Imagine living in north Korea where they throw people into death camps like nothing. Or in an African wilderness where you have to go to a river to fetch dirty water hoping a lion or hyenas don't eat you. To come home to no electricity, no plumbing and you're lucky if you have a door or a bed. Some people have to pick through garbage to eat every day. Some don't even eat every day. I digress, but the point is that things proooobably aren't toooo bad when you really think about it. But in our minds we create our own personal hell. Its important to remember that most things are temporary. Developing a mental state of "this too shall pass" will help not dwell too much on temporary shitty circumstances.
The worst part of suicides (especially young people) is not the death itself. But the death of all the dreams. The death of what could have been. Not only a "successful life" but the impact you may have had on other people or the world. Imagine if you killed yourself and once you were dead "God" (or other entity) told you. "...if you hadn't killed yourself you totally would have become a great physician scientist and made your parents super proud and you would have been a great success. Helped a bunch of people, contributed to humanity. You could have had all that. You were just going through a temporary rough patch. You were only 18! You hadn't even started your life yet. Now its too late. What a waste. You just threw it away."
So here are my suggestions:
1. Accept what your current life situation is. Don't fight it, don't struggle with it. Accept it. I HIGHLY recommend a book called "the power of now" be Eckhart Tolle. It was written by a guy that was once depressed, homeless and suicidal. He didn't kill himself. He wrote a book, got it published. Now he's rich, famous and helps and inspires millions of people around the world. Imagine if he HAD killed himself. The world would not have his wonderful books. The millions of lives he's impacted would not have benefited from his experience. It was the STRUGGLE and experience he had to go through that brought forth his books. Without his struggle, the books would not exist. If he had let the struggle beat him and had he killed himself, the books would not exist either. You can find his audiobook on youtube. So listen to it. Or buy the book.
2. Start your day with something that makes you feel good. Inspirational videos or speeches. At least music that makes you feel good. Tho inspirational videos and stories are really what get me want to go out and inspire people myself.
3. Learn to relax. Find some relaxing music, go for walks in nature, dance, yoga, martial arts, do something creative like drawing or calligraphy, learn to play an instrument or do something you'd personally like that you know helps you relax.
#4: Learn to meditate. Meditation, I think, would help you the most, in all aspects. Its an escape from reality that not only drastically helps your mental state and can bring you piece of mind, it also has physical benefits. Like anything, you have to learn how to do it. The more you practice, the better you will get. Like any other skill. You can find lots of guided meditations on youtube. Choose the ones you like and you find are better at.
#5 Forgive. Forgive your parents, friends, neighbors, the people that rejected you, the people that made you feel bad. Even if they don't deserve it. Forgiveness is very powerful and people underestimate it. Most importantly, forgive YOURSELF. Nobody is perfect. Be easy on yourself. Once I lied to someone close to me and while they had no idea and went about as normal, I felt very very guilty to the point where I started having health problems. One day I did a forgiveness meditation and while it was happening, there was a little doubt that it would work, but I did as instructed anyway. Once the meditation was over and I forgave myself. I felt sooo good and LITERALLY felt lighter. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was an incredible experience and I was amazed how much better I felt. I've also forgiven people who have treated be bad or screwed me over with similar effects. Guilt and Resentment eat away at you. So Forgive yourself and that you're not perfect. Forgive them not for them, not because they deserve it, but for yourself.
Anyway, this is super long now. I really hope you take some of my advice. And I hope you become the great success you can be.
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