How many times is normal to see your boyfriend per week (early 20s dating)?
Question Posted Tuesday September 1 2015, 11:53 am
I'm 21 and earlier this year I ended my relationship with my (now) ex-fiance who I'd been living with for 2 and a half years.
I've started dating somebody new who I've been on two dates with. We really hit it off and it's crazy how well we just "click" compared to the other guys I've gone on dates with. After our second date he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend like officially and of course I said yes.
Now his parents want to meet me this coming Thursday which I feel like is a little fast but I really really like him so I don't mind terribly. To be honest I've never fallen so hard for somebody before in my life and the feelings seem to be mutual by the things he says and how fast he wanted me to meet his parents.
Anyways, my real question is how many times is considered normal to see your boyfriend a week?
Like I said, I was living with my ex for two and a half years so I got used to seeing him everyday and now I feel weird because I want to see my new boyfriend more frequently than I am and when I don't see him for more than two days I start to feel distant and get a little irked.
Is that normal? Probably not right? How can I keep my mind off of him and decrease my feelings for him a little bit so I don't feel so attached?
I feel a little overwhelmed because I also work full time and I'm a pre-med college student so to have him on my mind so much is driving me kind of crazy.
It has been decades since I have dated and what was normal for me back then was or could be different now. Given that you two have just started dating I would say seeing each other every day or X amount of times each week is not as important as speaking with each other as frequently as schedules permit. Talking in the early stages of a relationship in my view is more important than holding hands, cuddling, making out or even sex. I believe that a relationship based on sex and sex appeal is doomed to failure for one day you wake up and need to talk to each other and find you have nothing in common. Communicate first; find out each other’s likes and dislikes. Learn each other’s passions, interests, Hobbies before you jump into bed together. Communication seems to stop once the sex begins. You need to know you’re compatible in other areas before you find out if the sex is any good, which it probably will be.
I know I stress the sex bit heavily but I know from a long time of giving advice that this is where the stumbling block comes in. Before I met my wife my form of recreation was volunteer firefighting. I know I'm strange but I enjoyed it when I was younger and it was a diversion from my daily activities therefore it qualified as recreation.
As an all-volunteer fire department we responded from home with a home alerting system. While many of the girls I dated got a thrill out of racing through the streets with me as I ran to the fire station, when a call came out. Few saw themselves as a firefighter’s wife and none liked the idea of me jumping out of bed in the middle of the night. That is until I met my wife of going on 45 years. Yes we have been interrupted at intimate moments. She knew this could happen and it happened before we were married. She also knew how important this was to me and was willing to put up with it.
Now our son is a career Paramedic/Firefighter who has saved more lives as a paramedic then as a firefighter. Is his mom thrilled with her sons’ choice of careers? Not at first but she has warmed to it and is quite proud of him.
All of this is due to the fact that we talked first made love second. Yes the sex was and still is great. More importantly we know what is important to each other and we have made sure to respect what is important and learned to share in each other’s passions.
So to answer your question in short: Normal is what you believe you need to find out just how compatible you and this new love interest are. Just remember to talk and learn about each other. It is okay to be a bit self-interested in the beginning. [ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question ]
Dragonflymagic answered Tuesday September 1 2015, 6:08 pm: There's a problem I have with answering your question and just giving you a number. I get caught up on the word "Normal". See, the thing about 'normal' is that one persons 'normal' is not the same as someone elses normal. Take someone born with a birth defect. If they have to willpower to find ways to do things that everyone else without the defect have, then they are not really missing anything. If someone were to ask them, "Don't you ever wish you had a normal life?" The first thought would be, "My life is normal, cus this is the only life I've ever had. I wasn't raised to think I had a disability."
You admitted you had something previous to compare the new guy to, someone you lived with and therefore saw more often. It was a different situation and can not be used to measure whether your current relationship is normal. Even people shouldn't be compared to other people and just loved for who they are, whatever similarities there may be but dont have to be, and for any of their differences, for their uniqueness as an individual. It is when people start comparing to try to measure one thing as better than another that we can run into trouble. Are blondes better than brunettes, are guys who had only sisters as siblings better than guys who had brothers or no siblings. Are guys who stick religiously to health foods and a daily exercise routine better as a boyfriend than those who don't? NO, not better as an individual in how they treat others, but one may in the long run end up being in better health than those who eat junk food and do little exercise.
You did say you are a full time worker and also a college student. That alone is a full schedule. So if not eating and sleeping in the same place, yes, you are not going to see him as often based on just your schedule. Add in his schedule, what ever it is and it complicates whatever free time you have together. That can be a strain on any relationship. The stress of your schedule has to go somewhere. You need an outlet, something you do, a hobby that helps you to feel sane, able to release your stress or calm down. Perhaps that is what the previous boyfriends job was. Now that you dont live with him, you miss having the outlet of a boyfriend to de-stress with. Its just my wild guess dear and may not be at all the case. But if I am on the right track, you may not have consciously realized it yet, but subconsciously you have a need for a partner with whom you can unwind, someone to help you unwind and de-stress and you fear that seeing him only once or twice a week isn't going to be enough for you.
He needs to be needed and wanted for who he is, how he treats you and seems to be like the other half of you, not solely for being someone to lean on. That I am sure you know and it never entered your mind that you might be coming across as needy when so concerned about how often you see him. Again, that point of perspective may not be valid at all and I apologize if so.
So what other reason could there be to be so concerned over what should be the average amount of time you spend together, and what works for you both? Here I will share a bit of my story: I was on a dating site after a divorce when my now husband wrote me. From his first letter, something clicked. I talked to him on the phone two days later and we chatted every night for a week until midnight before meeting briefly in person during his breaktime as a delivery driver in same area as I worked as a caregiver. We met for 20 min. during his break and before I was due at my 2nd clients. He had been leery about dating as he had a teen daughter many women so far wouldn't date him because of. But biggest was the fact he was working 12 hour days Mon to Fri and working Sat. mornings as well at his job. Everyone was worked to death. So all he had was from basically 8 pm until bedtime to spend with me if a weekday and only part of Sat. and all day Sunday. We clicked right from the start and his daughter liked me. We tried to date while keeping our separate places to live and our schedules. It meant we really could not get any quality time together, and certainly not often. He knew right off the bat that I was the one and fell in love with me, telling me early on that he was in love with me. Usually when that happens too early in the game, the person is likely clingy and a needy person. You have to look for some solid independance, confidence in them and staying steadfast, not wavering in what they claim to be and stand for in their beliefs and if you can see all that, which I did, I knew i could trust what he told me, that it was for real. We decided that since his hours kept us mostly apart with only long phone calls for contact that it would be better to live together to have a few more hours together. A couple in love will soon do whatever they can, working with their schedules to find the amount of time they feel they need to see each other. I must say that having a loved one to come home to, especially when you've got a heavy load to carry, a tough job, grueling studies for school, is a wonderful thing. We aren't made to be all work and no play. We as humans need time to unwind, enjoy life with someone else and how much of that is needed for one person may vary from the other so its really up to each individual couple to determine what works for them.
Wanting you to meet the parents early on and them wanting to means they are very open people and love to meet others. Anyone their son dates, they will support him in accepting to family gathering and functions. Its perfectly normal. My inlaws from my ex were like that. I am like that for my daughters. One has gone thru 2 husbands and now with a 3rd , the other daughter now on her 5th boyfriend, I welcomed them all as good friends or family to our home and our special get togethers.
When a person really likes someone, is inlove with or in process of falling in love, they want to show off their sweetie to family and friends...that is one of the good signs. Whether you both have the relationship progress quickly or take your time is going to be up to you. I have a feeling that living together is going to be the easier path to having time together if everything works toward that point. In the meanwhile, all you can do is let him know you'd like to see him as much and often as possible and if he has more flex in his schedule, then he may be willing to mold his schedule to fit any open spots in yours. At least for now. I am all for living together cus some things are hard to spot, those deal breakers about staying with someone for life? It's easy to hide if having your own living quarters and meeting for a couple hours on a date but its entirely different when living together...you get to witness ALL of each others different moods to see if you can handle them and if no matter what, they still treat you fair while not feeling up to snuff, and are there any bad character traits and patterns you begin to notice when living together. Its a good way to become sure that you still have the right person for you or not. So don't worry, just enjoy your time together and try to compromise more times together for the sake right now of getting to know each other better. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
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