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Self-Esteem / Insecurity in a Relationship
22 years old, female, in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of about 2 years. Our relationship is serious enough that we are thinking about getting engaging and/or married in the near future but I often have doubts now.
I love him, and I'm sure he loves me as he tells me all the time. My issue? I feel extremely insecure and I have low self-esteem, especially since he is always telling me how hot other girls are, about their bodies, and how much he wants to bang them and drawing comparisons on my body. I don't know if he is oblivious to how it hurts me or if he's even doing anything wrong but I feel like I will show him that I am weak and insecure by bringing up the topic and talking to him about it.
He often tells me I have small boobs, and that he's sad he's going to have to live with them, or wishes he could inflate my boobs and make them bigger. And always talking about how such and such girl has big tits, and what he wants to do to her, etc.
I also don't feel very beautiful, and I don't like having sex with him anymore cause I feel inadequate, I hate my body and I often think he's fantasizing about other women when he's having sex with me (which he kinda confirmed when he jokingly told me the other day that he'll just think about banging his co-workers or something when we have sex with my face down)
Another example, telling me how unbelievably beautiful, and hot his uncle's stepdaughter is a "10/10", and joking that he should just marry her instead and that his uncle told him he should hook up with her.
I don't know, all of this hurts me and confuses me especially when he does he tell me that I'm beautiful or that he loves me because I feel like I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not a 10/10 or sexy enough or enough to keep him interested long term if he'll always be eyeing other girls like that and see something that he can have that is better than me.
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I must say 'Run NOW and run fast" and get as far away from this "neanderthal" (as Adviceman put) as you can. I have lots more derogatory words to describe him in. I had an ex like that, someone I married at age 20. I stuck with the man 30 yrs because i was afraid of repurcussions from my church who taught against divorce. It wasn't until I married him that I saw the kind of behavior you are seeing right now without being married yet. So I had no idea it was coming. Unlike you, I didnt have a low self esteem but I was naive and kind dumb due to inexperienc at my age back then. I thought it was simply his personal preferance that I be a redhead instead of brunette and have larger boobs. He criticized everything I did, even when I followed his direction and instruction to reorganize our kitchen the way he said he wanted it. When done...I thought he'd be pleased. He wasnt. He called me an idiot and that this isn't what he wanted and i was stupid, imbecile, a child, idiot, retarded, and the list goes on. You need to learn right now, that a man like that is as you've already been told...a controller. There is mental illness likely behind this as most controllers I've run across either have mental illness or it is diagnosed later in life as it was with my ex. A person like this will be impossible to please to begin with. And I must say the man is cruel and he is loathsome, an Evil creature in the flesh. The reason he puts you down is not because he is right and there is any truth to it, (there isn't) he can beat you down emotionally until you no longer care what he says or does, you will be his puppet and let him control you. He will control not only how you keep house, but what you wear, what you eat, restrain you from going out doing things, say no to visiting your family or friends, no to having any hobbies, basically you must become his robot and do exact as he commands. That is no way to choose to live. Yes, it will be YOUR choice to subject yourself to this kind of life, despite the fact of the other issue that you have low self esteem. A controller subconsciously or knowingly chooses a person who has low self esteem, low self confidence, no confidence, may battle illness or other disorders like anxiety, depression, etc. as they are easier to control and beat down. A confident person would fight back and split up. So in effect...he is a predator as well, having sought you out to control as a way to feed his twisted out of control ego problem he has.
Lets say that you can't stand Thai food. Why on earth would you then eat nothing but that and then complain about the taste and the hotness or not enough meat in the dish? If you don't like Thai, then don't eat it. Same for your guy, if he doesnt like the way you look, then he has no business going after you if it really was all about looks. It isn't. Yes, he may like the girls with different looks but he would never dream of marrying them if he couldn't control them, if they happen to have a fairly decent self esteem and confidence. theyd be too much work to try to beat down and control and he may not be successful.
Also, this is not about Love. A guy like that has something wrong with him internally, he is incapable of knowing love and how to be loving and treat others in a loving supportive caring manner. Why would you want to marry someone who does not love you. His behavior is not the behavior of a man who loves you. I found out in counseling at end of marriage that my husband in finnally admiting to counselor, had never been in love with me. Why the F%#K did he marry me in the first place? To have a mommy to take care of him. I had to be the adult and yet he did all he could to kill the relationship and make me leave him cus the Dr. found he had this program running in his mind since childhood when his mom ended up in hospital and Drs thought she might die. He took that as a female was going to abandon him and through his adult life, with previous girlfriends as I discovered later, did the same thing, trying to make his mental prophecy come true, that he could never depend on a woman because all of them would leave him at some point. they wouldn't have and I wouldn't have if He'd woken up and decided to treat me decent and love me. But he couldn't due to mental illness holding him back which I didnt know back then.
You must not marry such a person unless you want a low self esteem for the rest of your life. As long as you have someone like him in your life, you are not going to be able to get any better cus any progress you make, he will emotional beat you down all the harder. I experienced a lot of that. The stress of the emotional abuse will come out eventually in ways that make you ill, stress needing to go somewhere. So if not developing mental disorders yourself, the stress will go into your body as it did mine and you get physically ill. I lived with headaches, migraines, stress induced total body rashes that itched, and stomach ulcers often. thats what stress does to the body. It can go worse and kill you by creating cancer or heart attack eventually, something you won't see cus it creeps up on you slowly but in 30 yrs you could die of it ending your life a lot sooner than you could have lived otherwise. I had a premonition that cancer would develop in the next 4 yrs if I didnt leave him. He would never leave me, the objective with my ex was to get me to leave him. In your case, your guy would never leave you, not as long as you remain weak, low confidence and brow beaten. So in your case, you would also have to leave him. He doesnt love you. this is not how love makes a person treat someone they truly are in love with.
Heres the stuff you mentioned that proves he doesnt love you: ridiculing you, comparing you to others and telling you that you fall short, keeping secrets from you, (The phone/tablet issue) which also means he is prime cheating material for the future if he isn't already doing so. My ex found a gal after I divorced him. She was with him for 5 years before she discovered recently when talking about marriage with him that he doesnt love her. He had no problem telling her that he wasn't in love with her, just liked her as a person. She was smart and left right away. So if wasnt about me, my ex is incapable of being able to love. I would venture to guess that may be the case with your guy too.
I've railed on about how you should avoid this guy, break up and certainly not marry but not addressed your self esteem or confidence issues. I have some things to share on that too. But if you aren't ready to decide to leave this guy right NOW, then you aren't ready to work on yourself and get yourself to a better place. You need to be a complete, whole healthy person before you can attract another whole healthy person into your life to marry. When ready to hear how to work on yourself, let me know and I will share what worked for me.
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Ok, im gonna start here with a WOW! that is completely unbelievable. secondly im gonna try to break this down for you in the nicest way i can but i feel you need to be told the truth here and i hope to god this will be a learning experience for you, or that you can turn it into one for YOU and better yourself in the end.
It sounds to me like your not ready to be in a committed relationship, and i say this because a more experienced woman would have seen ALLLLL the red flags waving to you here that you need to whip your man into shape or you need to get out. like this stuff i will copy and answer below.
It doesnt matter how low your self esteem is, your man should NEVER be eyeing and then talking about and or comparing you or your body to them. They are complete strangers and he doesnt know them AT ALL, so thats completely out of line here and there is no place in a relationship for attitude like that. He knows what hes doing ok, this is game guys will play if they know you are head over heels for them. They will play your own emotions and feelings against you in order to mess with your head, control you, and keep you under their thumb because theyve got you convinced that you dont deserve better. This could not be further from the truth.
"He often tells me I have small boobs, and that he's sad he's going to have to live with them, or wishes he could inflate my boobs and make them bigger. And always talking about how such and such girl has big tits, and what he wants to do to her, etc."
Ok WHY on earth would someone that loves you say things like this to you if not to be hurtful and shallow??? He could be trying to YOU to break up with him as well so he doesnt have to. As well as make the break up process harder.
"I also don't feel very beautiful, and I don't like having sex with him anymore cause I feel inadequate, I hate my body and I often think he's fantasizing about other women when he's having sex with me (which he kinda confirmed when he jokingly told me the other day that he'll just think about banging his co-workers or something when we have sex with my face down)"
Ok and your considering MARRYING THIS worthless piece of crap?? i dont think so hunny. Hes clearly telling you hes interested in other people and you are not the apple of his eye anymore. He basically just broke up with you right then and there, just because he was "joking" when he said it doesnt make it any less WRONG to say shit like that to you period.
"Another example, telling me how unbelievably beautiful, and hot his uncle's stepdaughter is a "10/10", and joking that he should just marry her instead and that his uncle told him he should hook up with her."
ALSO, another example (and a disgusting one) of him telling you hes not interested anymore and wishes to see and be with other people on a permanent level. Those are break up "relationship ending" words right there.
There are red flags waving all over the place here left and right and you need to acknowledge them, figure out what your NOT worthless, you deserve better, and kick him to the curb. Try to remember that just because you brake up with someone doesnt mean your feelings have to die too. We're all human and we all will still have remaining feeling for someone, even someone that did the worst things to us. At the same time just because you love each other doesnt mean your GOOD for each other and thats what it sounds like here. Its nothing to be all that sad over your just not a good match and something that looked like it was starting out good could have run its course.
Sometimes a couple thats been together for along time will learn to adjust and grow WITH each other because they refuse to let things separate them and they BOTH want to make each other happy, and sometimes even though a couple might love each other they just arent capable of growing with their partner. Meaning at the same pace, and fully excepting the changes the other person is making even though they've been talked about, consulted with over it and told ahead of time that a new phase in life is coming and "i need you to except that this is what i need for ME to happy, but i still want you by my side AS these changes come"
Some people arent capable of change at the same rate you might be and because of that, they will belittle, reject, shun, and make you feel bad about yourself because they see that you are growing and changing and they arent and its scares them because they dont feel they are and that youll leave and they'll loose you forever.
Sometimes leaving someone likes this is for the better because you want something thats going to encourage you, support you, and WANT you to be happier, even if its not with them.
We can only guess as to what hes doing online, but YES him being closed off about it when he wasnt before IS odd but it isnt a MAIN cause for breaking up with someone, but clearly you have all the reasons you listed BEFORE that behind you to break up with him.
Breaking up can be hard but how much harder on you will it be to continue putting up with the things hes saying?? how much longer can you put up with it?? a week? a month?? forever??
you KNOW deep down you want better or else you wouldnt have come here.....You can do it...make the next move....when your ready you'll make it happen..
good luck ; )
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There is more than one issue here. There is of course the issue of your low self-esteem and insecurity. Which are enabled by him when he talks about other women, their bodies and thinking of them when having sex with you and other things.
The first question I would ask is; does he know he is doing this? My thoughts are that he does based on what you have written of what he says and how he says it. This tells me he does this because he is a controller. He uses you insecurity and low self-esteem to control you by comparing you to other women.
I would go so far as to say this is the type of guy that is some what of a Neanderthal who wants a women he can keep at home barefoot and pregnant. He can do so by continued beating you down in your most vulnerable area; you low self-esteem.
Having small breasts is not something to be ashamed of. What you miss out on are the back problems large breasted women will have. While looking at well endowed women may be something most men enjoy doing. Most men will also tell you anything over a mouthful is a waist. A woman's breast should complement her body. For the average framed women in the average weight class a B to small C cup is perfect. For small framed women in their weight group a large A to small B cup is perfect. The clothing is made to fit them properly and when they dress up they look stunning.
There must be other reasons for your low self-esteem besides you current boyfriend. Reasons more deep seated then you may be aware of.
My advice is:
1. I would not recommend you marry this man. HE is a controller and controllers never change. He is mentally abusing you using your low self-esteem to control you. This is not a recipe for a happy marriage. I would suggest you find someone who will appreciate you for the good person you are. Someone who will help you rebuild your self-esteem so you can enjoy life.
2. Seek out a psychologist to help you find the root cause of your low self-esteem. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger can help you more than talking to a friend. The psychologist is someone you can tell you deepest darkest secrets knowing they go no further than the therapy session.
If you are working ask your employer if they have and EAP program. The EAP program will help you find a psychologist and generally pay for the first few sessions. Your parents employer may have and EAP program if you do not have one and you can use theirs.
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