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my mom and my best friend
i'm an Indian girl.19 yrs old.recently I failed to clear my medical entrance test and landed up doing bsc in botany IInd yr.i've been a good friend with my mom always.but being a l'll bossy and ego person(which she should be)she fails to come upto my satisfaction level(she often ignores me,never likes my thoughts,snubs me,makes decisions which'd be on her side)2 yrs back I ended up with my one great friend 'coz she and my mom didn't work out well.my mom thinks she was olways rude) while I think she was equally egoistic as my mom is and that's why two cudn't gel up well. I had a great rapport with her as well as my mom (I think)'coz I don't lament much for my ego thing.later I met another girl who was from my school, lives near my place and I found her great.though she doesn't have parents and lives with her grandies.she hasn't been good in academics(but i'm a book worm & active in classroom) but she's very trustworthy,helpful and a clean soul and understanding girl. she's my only friend I'd call as a BFF.initially my mom also had a good bond with her, they were inseperable and I was happy,for my mom gave her mother's affection. it lso made two of us closer. we talked a lot & I felt I trust her more than anyone else. but few days back my mom had a bad word with her. I found my mom being egoistic again.i felt i'd lose a frnd again but I was amazed that this friend was vry understanding. she didn't give up me for my fussy mom who even behaved very badly with her. she told me that she understands my state & 'd wait for me till the things settled although she said the same thing my previous friend said to me- I will always lose my bonds if I don't stop my mom.this scares me everytime.i decided I wasn't going to lose this frnd of mine.my mom was horrified to see me arguing with her('coz that's very unlikely me) for a friend.she feels that all my friends are jealous of my so friend-like-bond-with-my-mom which I think is absurd and not true.with 3 months passed to this argument today my mom fusses over everything I do. she says i'm ignoring my family. I don't study. I always want to spend time with that aimless orphan girl who's not gonna do anything in life(which she thinks for all my friends),I've even ignored myself to serve heretc etc. whenever I try to explain she again accuses me of becoming rude like my friend which is obvio. not true. she even blames her for my low scores in last sem. which is not true(I was preparing for the entrances).my mom turns red whenever my frnd calls or I ask to visit her. now me and my frnd meet secretly talk on phone late at night aftr everyone's asleep. I feel like doing a crime.how do I know if I really have to set limits for my friend?or is my bond with her harming me anyway?or is it just my mom's intrusion in my space or security of losing me as her friend?are my frnds correct that i'll lose all my bonds this way?what should I do?pls advise.
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In the U.S. a person is considered an Adult at age 18. I am not clear on whether you meant you are of east indian descent or Native American "Indian" living in the U.S. or whether you live elsewhere. I would like that most countries consider a person to be an adult responsible for their own choices and actions and no longer having to take instruction from or follow the wishes of parents.
Many parents have trouble making the switch from the parenting mode to allowing you to be an adult at 18. I am going to guess that the law backs you up at your age of 19 as being an adult even in India. You could check on that. So if legally an adult, even though still living with parents, you do not need to give up your ability to make your own choices for your life, who your friends are, who you marry, where you go to school or what vocation you study or go for and where you work seem to be the basics that parents fight their adult children on, throwing fits if you don't give up your rights. Many simply do as asked which only encourages a parent to continue in this bad behavior and get worse and more demanding of you. You can love a parent and yet take a stand. Same as a parent can love their younger 5 yr old but expect them to follow certain rules. Enforcing those rules and the consequences that come from breaking them doesnt mean your mom didn't love you back then. Same applies if you set down the ground rules and boundaries for your own life now. Mom must know she's expected to abide by it or face the consequences of you not choosing to spend much time around her and you will still make your own decisions. It doesnt even matter if you end up making a decision with terrific results or bad ones. All of us, e ven as adults will continue to learn from our own mistakes, that can't always be prevented. So sit mom down, have a good talk with her and let her know you still love her but that you are going to take control and decision making over for your own life. Let her know you appreciate the job she did raising you and even if some of your choices might not reflect what she has taught you growing up, its your decisions to make, your own life to discover thru your successes and failures. You know she wants to help you avoid the failures and heartaches cus she loves you and you appreciate that. However unless you come to her asking for her input and opinion on a matter, you kindly request that she learn to stop parenting you the same way as when you were younger. You may still be her child, and you love her as mom but the dynamics of your relationship must change and evolve into something a little different than what you've both grown so used to. You will still enjoy having times hanging out with her because a mother-daughter relationship is very special and rewarding but things change, you will have much of your time going to focus in college, a job, friends and developing your current intereests further or discovering new ones, all of which will take away the amount of time you used to have solely to spend with her. We can't expect relationships to remain exactly the same all life long and never evolve, grow and change in many ways. What happens when you find a guy and marry and start having kids. Will she continue to be upset because you now have your own family to be there for and can't be the sole reason for your moms purpose in life. A parent of an adult child needs to find a new purpose in life when their mothering role evolves into something that no longer satisfies that nurturing caring part of them the same way it always has. Some look forward to being grandparents and that helps in that need but others need to find new interests or passions, perhaps joining a walking/hiking club for older people, volunteering time in organizations, even in schools, etc.
Kids who leave home and get apartments with friends make this transition a bit more real and final to their parents, that you are now an adult. Its not so easy for Mom to see if you still live at home. Hopefully you both can come to some sort of understanding where you still have control of your life and she is no longer throwing fits and tantrums. If not, it might be time to get creative and find a group of friends to go in on renting a house together, apt. or finding a home owner with a bedroom to rent that you can afford so you can make the change to being on your own for your good and for moms.
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