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I have a crush on my friend's HUGE crush!
Ok, so my good friend has this HUGEEEEE crush on this boy, and she's had it ever since they met, which was pre school, (we're in middle school now). And just a couple months ago we were all hanging out when BOOM! I started to have a crush on him, too. No way am I telling my friend, she would never talk to me and literally kill me. Please help me! Please give me answers as to what I should do! What if he asks me out?!!?!?!?! HELP!
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If your friendship is important to you, there are some steps you need to take.
#1 Consider why you like this guy. I have seen it time and time again that somebody goes after their friend's crush because they are jealous of people being interested in their friend, jealous of their friend spending time with their crush instead of them, jealous of their friend getting male attention, etc. If you are attracted to him because you think he "wants you more" or something to that effect, don't go for him. If this is all about proving to yourself that you are desirable, it's not worth risking a friendship over. Get your ego in check and stop talking to her crush.
#2 If you decide it is not about being the one he likes "more", but instead that it is because he is the guy you are closest to at this time, the guy you feel most comfortable around etc. then it seems fair that you would want to explore where this could go. Be honest and tell your friend what is on your mind. If this is really about him and not about you being the one that he "prefers" then you have nothing to hide.
#3 Soothe your friend. Your friend will probably be angry when you tell her. And, she probably has a right to be angry because you know how long she has liked him and this may make her feel like you are not a good friend. You need to accept her feelings if she is angry. Don't argue with her or tell her she should feel differently. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.
#4 Tell her that your friendship means a lot to you and that you would like to stay friends through this. Also, in order to be fair you need to tell her that if he asks her out, you will be fine with her saying yes as well.
#5 Come to an agreement that once he asks one of you out, the other one will stop talking to him completely. It's one thing to fight over a crush, but it's quite another to be fighting over a boyfriend. If this really is about developing a relationship with him, you won't want him hanging around her when you two start dating. It will also be less painful for her that way. And vice versa; if he picks her, you won't want to be around for that. (And if you still do want to be around him if he picks her, that shows it's more about wanting to be "preferred" rather than about the actual relationship).
#6 Come to the agreement that you won't aggressively go after him in front of each other. Again, if this isn't a competition, why rub each other's faces in this?
If these steps don't make sense, it's likely because this is actually about your own ego and wanting to be more likeable than your friend as opposed to wanting to develop a relationship without hurting your friend.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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Its always hard when it comes down to best friends having the same interest in another person for romance/dating purposes.
We can't own a person or have any kind of claim to another just because of how we are feeling about them. For teens, its something they need to learn sooner or later and when puberty comes with the teen years is when most of us begin to take notice of the opposite sex so its no surprise you finally have an interest during middle school years. Yeah, some can have a crush way earlier but thats normal too. A crush however is not equal to a 'societal' claim on another person. In society, stealing a boyfriend or stealing or having affairs with a married person is generally frowned upon as a no-no, though it still happens and each situation may have its own differing circumstances. In your case, she doesn't have a claim to him simply because she had liked him first ad for way longer. While he may think of her as a friend, he may not be currently or never ever attracted to her romantically and that is something that even adults can't change. With hormonal changes comes something called pheremones and thats what helps attract one sex of animals or humans to the opposite sex. It is important to not only learn how to become best of friends with the opposite sex as far as a relationship like bf/gf goes, but to also have the right chemistry for romance and that sort of attraction, the wanting to hold hands and kiss and the excitement that rises when near each other. Even with adults, there are peope where one falls in love and the others see you only as a friend. There's no guarantee that he will even like her until he tries to date her. Or she could ask him first. Girls no longer have to wait for guys to show interest first in these times. Its one reason for tolo dances where the girl asks the guy. If too chicken or not confident enough to do so, a person can lose the chance of finding out if there even was anything in common between them and another, beyond initial attraction.
So if you want, you might plant that thought in her head. That while he has known her a long time, most of it was before hormones set in, so boys were likely not looking at any female friends with crush feelings, or as a gf possibility. It is only now that he will begin to have those feelings. So will other girls. You let her know that if she wants a chance to date him, that she needs to take action and ask him before he has committed to another girl by asking her to be his gf and date steady, or before another girl crushing on him decides to ask him out. If she realizes that she can not blame another girl for getting there first all because she was too chicken to ask, then she has no right to be angry at anyone for capturing his attention for a while or for good. You don't have to announce you have interest in him directly. Just discuss with her what aspects you are attracted to in a guy and ask her what she is attracted to. If its based only skin deep on looks, then a relationship won't last long. Actually its expected from midddle school onward, that before one makes a lifetime commitment to another, with or without a marriage contract, that a person will date and break up with many people...as its all part of the learning process of what you like and don't like about another person and what things you want to avoid that are hurtful or disrespectful to you as a person.
For now, just be yourself and try to be as confident as possible, outgoing, happy with who you are, friendly, caring and you will attract not only friends but the attention of boys, specially as a girlfriend possibility. A self confident girl catches guys attention faster than one who isnt, or is desperate for a guy, needy, or a drama queen. Those usually turn a guys interests away or kill any interest they once had.
So get your friend thinking ahead about the need to let him know of her interest in him or just live with the circumstaces of things going differently. You might also say, what if he wasn't interested in you as anything more than just a friend and was interested in Amy or even me? If he asked me out, I probably would go out with him not to hurt you but because he is interested in me and I'd like to see where this goes. Amy or me, shouldnt have to be punished by not dating him just because you had a crush on him first even though he didn't feel the same way about you. People have their own tastes and likes in dates as they do in clothing style, favorite foods, movies, music etc. No one person is the same as another. the key is to find a boyfriend who loves you just for who you are without you having to change for him or pretend to be someone you aren't just to get them because eventually they will discover the real you and may not have been attracted to that in the first place and then end up dumping you. These are all things important for both you and especially her to understand.
Then even if she does understand, females in puberty can have pretty strong emotional reactions, that are way out of control due to normal hormones, even worse if their hormones levels are way too high. In that case, instead of just being weepy and sad at times or irritated, a girl can become depressed, suicidal or have an out of control anger issue and act really mean picking on females closest to them without reason, even worse if they 'believe' they have a reason. So you may see that too by observing the reactions of dumped girlfriends who's guy went on to date another girl, even if the girl wasn't her friend, she'll will still wonder why he likes the other better. And there isn't any simpler reason that at this stage, it's simply a time of learning in dating what we like in the opposite sex and we aren't going to find out if not going through one relationship after the other.
Hope this helps with understanding the situation more clearly and how you shouldn't feel guilty to accept a date from him if he asks you. She may react the same depressed angry way if he chooses to date another girl rather than noticing her. We think we are lacking somehow, not the best clotes, or cutest hairstyle or makeup or big enough chest or the looks of our face or body aren't model quality. I have to say 95 % of people are not model quality in my opinion but are still good looking in their own rights. A girl needs to realize that in time she'll attract the right guy for the right reasons, not just any old teen guy who only wants a girlfriend cus they are so horny all the time and want sex only. Lust and love are two different things to a girl but often confused as the same thing with males, especially the young ones. I believe you can say your version of all this to her without having to reveal your own interest in him.
If by chance you do end up dating him and she stops wanting to be your friend, if you really care about her, don't worry, find a time when she's not at home to talk to her mom by stopping by or calling. Surely she'll know you are one of her daughters friends. Let her know that your friend is angry at you because some guy shes always had a crush on, asked you instead of her to date him or go out with him. She has no idea, and neither do you if she or even you are his type. You are not purposely trying to hurt her by accepting to go out with this guy as he had not made any sign of interest in her nor hadnt asked her out so that means he is single and available. You want her to know so she can have a talk with her daughter (your friend) and know what to say or do as her mom. Let her know you still want to be friends with her and will be waiting once she gets over being angry.
Its highly unlikely that her mom acts like a foolish teen herself, but it that happens, you'd understand where she gets it and over time she'll throw emotional fits over more than not getting the guy if this is the case.
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