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Am I the partner being unreasonable?
Basically, my boyfriend of two years invites me to lots of different events. We live 40 minutes drive apart and on the most part I go to events/occasions, like a birthday meal on his side or a wedding for someone only he knows.
But whenever I don't want to go to one of these events-for example a wedding-he kicks off and gets upset. He hates it if I refuse to go and says he'll break up with me. Am I in the wrong? Surely I have the right to say no to things I don't want to go to? Its not like I refuse EVERYTHING only one or two things. And we've been together for two years but he makes it sound like I'm expected to be there-and asks the host to invite me and him-and THEN says the host was looking forward to seeing me.
I feel like I don't have a choice...
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You are not being unreasonable. As I see it you are dating, you are not living together and you are not engaged. Even if you were living together engaged or married you have every right to say no to going to certain events where you might feel uncomfortable. Even married couples occasionally go to family events alone. While the family may question where there spouse is they certainly have no reason to question why a girlfriend or boyfriend may be missing.
You boyfriend is being controlling when he say "go or I will break up with you." If he is like this now imagine what it will be like if you two decide to marry. It could and probably be far worse with you having to account for every minute you are not with him as this is how controlling people are.
You need to TELL your boyfriend that the next time he receives an invitation that you are not invited to that he needs to ask you first if you want to attend before asking the host or hostess to invite you. If he does not do this and you are invited after he is politely turn down the invitation. when your boyfriend say you either go or he will break up with you call his bluff and stay home.
IF he does break up with you then he really does not deserve you and you deserve some one better than him. You deserve someone that will honor you and treat you as an equal partner. From what you have written I don't see him being that type of person and the type he is can't be changed as it is a character flaw.
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Razhies absolutely right. I have some experience with a controlling person, behavior wise, and to have these expectations and attempt to force and bend you to his will, wish, desire and not allow you any choices, is 'Controlling behavior'. In some people, controlling behavior can be an obvious hint that the person has mental issues, and perhaps mental illness as thats one of the many versions of mental illness. It may be that is the case for him and he is undiagnosed as of yet and not on medications that help him live a more normal life.
So in answer to your question, you are not being unreasonable, he is.
I can think of a possibility on his part if its not mental illness but just bad behavior, as to why he gets so upset. Say that he enjoys having you around, so much that where ever he is invited or obligated to attend, he asks the host/hostess if you can be invited. He may say certain things like, you don't like being left out and like to attend events with him and therefore the people invite you and are expecting you based on what he has said. He may be wording in ways that you will for sure be coming with him in case they need a head count...commiting you without giving you a choice. Then when you say no, he is embarrassed becaused he promised for sure you'd be there and now feels he's going to lose face due to his lying and assumptions. This means it bothers him easily what others may think so he likely lacks self confidence or good self image or has a fear of what others think that affect him. Thats his issue, not yours. You can't cause that. And no, he should not be promising your attendance, even if a head count is required. Reasonably, the unexpected can happen, family emergency or one becomes ill and can't attend, so do not feel obligated to help him save face if thats whats going on. I am sure he talks about you and has people curious to meet you who haven't yet. But to assume and make decisions for you is wrong. He takes it a step further and worse, by getting angry at you and attempting as a last resort to bend you to his will by threats.
I think it would be a good idea if he carried through and broke up with you but I highly doubt that. Its going to have to be you who breaks up with him if he won't change after you have a heart to heart talk with him. He may not be willing to talk about it or simply point the finger at you and blame you or list how it is your fault. This is a survival mechanism, called deflection that people use to take the focus off themselves cus deep down they know something is wrong on their part but terrified to find out what it is, totally refusing to consider seeing a counselor and getting help to get better. I have an ex like that, married 30 married before i left and I should have left lots sooner. Unless he is willing to go for professional help, he is not going to be good boyfriend material or prime husband material...take it from someone who learned the hard way.
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It might be better to ask your partner why he is behaving this way and why he has this expectation.
For some couples, it's entirely normal for them to go to all social events together. Other couples are comfortable and happy to go to some alone, depending on the preferences of the individuals.
Neither situation is wrong, but it is a problem when one partner expects that the other will always accompany them, and the other doesn't think that's a reasonable expectation.
His behaviour when you refuse to attend is unreasonable, but before you can address how not okay it is to throw temper tantrums and threaten to break up every time he doesn't get his way, you might try to ask him why he thinks it's necessary for you to attend every outing with? Is this what his parents do? Is that what his friend's expect? Is he nervous or uncomfortable to hang out with people without you? Can he respect that you might have different social needs and desires than he does?
If he can't even talk about his expectations reasonably, then you know you ought to end it. It's always tough when two people have different ideas of what a relationship should look like, but if he can't even talk calmly about his ideas, then he's not a person that is ready for a life partner.
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