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want to have sex but raised differently
Im 18. I started dating this guy and there is definitely sexual attraction there. Completely sure of it. I want to have sex. Theres no love between us its just attraction. But I was raised to wait for sex until marriage. Im an ex preachers daughter. I have rebelled but the whole save sex for marriage thing had always stayed with me. I want to.have sex but im scared there will be regret and the hatred I will feel for being weak,but its like sex is all I think about. Help me please.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
For your first time, I'd say its going to be a much better memory if you do it because of love rather than lust and the urge to have sex cus of the sexual attraction. I have found many men sexually attractive over my life time...I didn't try to have sex with all of them. After a failed marriage, I changed my views on being virgin before marriage. But thats just me. I was a church goer and taught also to save for marriage, which I did, he wasn't a virgin and had had around 5 or so girlfriends before me when I married at 20 with him 24. There were 2 major issues wrong with the marriage. But I will only share the one that pertains to you. We were sexually not compatible. It means, no matter what we did, we never really had passion for each other, our chemistries were wrong. He still got his orgasms, I never did until my late forties after I left him and experienced another man. He had a low libido and I had a high one. He never looked at me with desire and wanted me to work on him to try and get him excited, not him working on me, all about him. I even had 3 kids with him. And I only stayed because of the teaching, "Divorce is not an option for Christians, we must trust God to heal our marriages. At the point I left him, I had a daughter who was not yet wearing a promise ring, puberty not having hit her yet but about a year off. She asked me what she should think about promise rings. I had been open about the reasons things didn't work out and they knew of the sexual mismatch part. I told her that if I had thought myself in love with him and had sex with him before the marriage planned, I would have known after being sexual with him a couple months that a future wouldn't work out with us. I began to read up on all sorts of stuff about sex and relationships and learned or rather had confirmed what I learned from experience...that if the chemistry of matching pheremones between two people isn't there to have great sexual chemistry, then its wise to not go after that relationship. However you also need someone who is your best friend in how they treat you and thats where you get the love part of a relationship. He doesnt love you for the good sex. He loves who you are inside, all of your character and personality and the sex is just the icing on the cake, a wonderful way to express your love to each other.
So you most likely are thinking, well okay, how bad can it be then if i have sex when there is great attraction between us? Unless the guy is in his 30s or near it and very experienced in how to please a woman first, before seeking his own release, you are not going to enjoy it as much as you will, without love but lots more experience in your future. If for ones fist time, there is no past experience yet to make it really good, attraction fades quickly after the deed is done and ones desires sated but having first sex because of strong feelings of love on both parts, will make it a lot better.
I now beleive the only way to know if a certain man is going to be a perfect sexual partner in the long run, is to 'test drive' (as I say) the man before marriage. If a gals takes precaution to not become pregnant and condoms are used for STD protection, then theres no real reason scientifically or really even religiously to wait til marriage. God told me later in marriage when I'd learned to hear Him well in prayer times, that He gave each of us a free will. that means he will not interfere if one of us is making bad choices and force us to do the right thing. My ex had the will to realize he had a problem with mental health issues and seriously want the help. I would have stayed, even without the sex, if only he had treated me with respect rather than abusively. But God explained that the husband could choose to get help or resist it and continue to blame me for all his problems and since he's resisted for 30 yrs at the final point, when a counselor did see him, that he likely would not change if he truly didnt want to. He only went thru the motions of going to appts without wanting to change in hopes that merely his attendence, without his changing would make me want to stay instead of leave him.
Once single again, I dated. In between boyfriends were there were feelings for each other, there were times were I had friends with benefits, not the sort of person I could see myself married to. Basicaly, we had the attraction, they were gentelmen but we really had little in common to sustain the attraction of a long term relationship. So it was FOB for a while. Yes it took care of my sexual urges in a way masturbating just didnt cut it for me. But at the same time, there wasn't the commitment to each other and the selfless love for each other and so it wasn't something I did often as it just falls flat.
If you haven't been having any orgasms or enjoying your self, I truly would recommend as the other said, get vibrators or dildos and learn to give yourself orgasms. For now, it will take the edge off and that releases you from going after a guy only for the sexual gratification and experience, to waiting to find one first who is able to be your best friend along with having the sexual attraction. Once you think you've found one like this, then check him out sexually but take birth control and use condoms. In your life, you may go thru several such good seeming relationships, that after a time begin to have serious issues that won't allow for a long term healthy relationship. Note the problems and in your next choice of a guy, go one step better.
One more thing about the virginity story. Once upon a time, there was no such thing as birth control or paternity testing. So men who wanted to marry wanted a women who had not being sleeping with anyone before him, (there also wasnt such a thing as pregnancy tests) so he wanted a virgin. the reason it was so important is that he wanted to know the children were really his so they could inherit his estate someday and he wouldn't want it going to a bastard child she might be carrying who wasnt his own flesh and blood. that was and still is a big thing, especially in some countries in todays world. this old practice men instated to assure their kids were theirs, in a time of no technology, is not necessary in todays time with the science and technology we have to cover all bases. Its an antiquated law. Tell me, at what point do gay people lose their virginity? two vaginas or two penises, do not work well for losing virginity if we believe that virginity is really lost by penis in vagina sex. Once a person starts experiencing sex, masturbation, or with some one in any way or fashion, you are no longer a virgin to sexual pleasures, you have tasted what the pleasure and orgasms are like.
So in the end, its up to you dear. I have shared enough to give you more food for thought. If you decide to remain a virgin, do it for your own reasons, not the ones the church teaches. If you decide to have sex soon with someone, realize that you may not be happy with the results from the first time. First times with a partner aren't as special as everyone thinks they will be. I've been around at parties where all the adults share their story of first time they had sex. I have not yet heard of a single one who would consider it memorable because they've had so many much better experiences since then.
think of the first time you rode a bike, all wobbly, with someone holding onto the back to help you out and you maybe falling off. You couldnt just climb onboard and take off into the distance enjoying every bit of it. It was a period of learning and becoming comfortable. Same with sex. theres a learning curve.
So choose your first time carefully dear. You're of an age where you'll be dating often from this point on and wanting to check out guys sexually if attracted. No reason why you cant get on some kind of contraception and carry a pack of condoms in your purse. If the worst happens and you werent prepared, you can go next day to pharmacy and get Plan B-the morning after pill, but dont make a habit of relying on it, its harsh and can have side effects. Also, realize that we all have regrets regarding people we dated, had sex with or married. Having regrets keeps you focused on and pinned to the past...something that prevents you from living life by being in the moment and looking forward to the future. Instead of regrets, look at the past this way...make a list of things you want to improve on, either in your own knowledge and experience of sex, doing some reading and research or in the choice of a guy, always looking to make better and better choices. Only in that fashion is past experience helpful to you, for the comparison value and to make a step for the better each time.
Hope this helps you dear.
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This is going to sound blunt but i think you should (just for right now) just buy yourself a sex toy, because with the strong feeling that you say you have that you will regret this if you do it now with this guy i dont think its a good idea to give it up just yet.
what you DO wanna do is tell him that you were taught to save sex for marriage and then just see what he says about it? itll be a kind of a test to see how he acts after that point and if hes willing to wait if he IS the right guy. he may decide he cant wait and move on and if that happens then youll know alot sooner that hes not the one for you.
he may even try to pull a proposal on you just to try to see if he can get sex from you sooner because your technically married. we dont know because we know really know him. you do though and you could better tell if hes just trying to pull a fast one on you or if he really cares for you.
i say tell him what you were taught on this, see what he says, and then watch how he acts after that point. that will test his resolveor he'll walk away and save you both the trouble of further emotional stress.
good luck
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Since there is only an attraction and not love I would suggest you hold on to your values a while longer. TO have sex with someone you do not love and have no intentions of marrying, at least at this time, will only cause you to regret the experience.
If this guy wants you just because he wants sex from you then he to does not love you he lusts for you. This is a big problem with teenage boys. They confuse lust and love, in fact they believe they are synonymous. This continues right up through their mid twenties and some men never grow up.
This is not to say that there may not come a day when a man comes along who truly loves you and you love him. Marriage may or may not be in the future and you will want to have sex with him. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are married to have sex. And any man should be pleased that you have waited all this time to give him the greatest gift a woman can give a man.
Today though few if an men are expecting their bride to be a virgin on their wedding night. Sex has become a big part of the courting ritual as is living together prior to marriage.
My advice now and with guy is not the time to give up your virginity. Wait for the right guy. The guy who will respect you, the guy that actually loves you. They guy who will make your first time a wonderful experience. I don't believe this is the right guy to give you this.
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