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A Problem With Men?
19/F
I'm a feminist. That much should be known before I say anything else. I've become a major tomboy/rebel just to bring my perspectives out more clearer. My father and I clash quite often because the way he was raised made him out to be the type of men I simply hate; misogynistic, macho-like, egotistic, and always wanting to be the center of attention. He has major anger issues, I have heard him cuss me out repeatedly (then when I cuss he gets extremely angry and tries to reprimind me), he never listens to me and when anybody tries to talk over him - or prove he is wrong about something - he acts violently and tries to make them shut up. He treats mom pretty bad, only doing nice things for her to get attention, praises, and make the appearance of a good marriage. My younger brother follows in his footsteps and is turning out to be just like him. I come to the point where I can't touch or look at either - especially dad - and I can't even be near him. Am I wrong to feel like this? Lately I've been having a lot of dark feelings towards a lot of people I don't like, even getting irritated by loud things (music I don't like being too loud, people yelling right next to me, etc) so... should I re-evaluate myself, or is there some form of sanity within my way of acting (fondly called "attitude" by my parents)?
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Your Father is the very first example you get of a male role model as you're being raised from a young child. A lot of what we feel about males in general will be based on what we witness and/or experience. If a good role model, you would on into dating with a healthy attitude, realizing that there are men who are lazy, bigoted, insecure, anger filled, and have a poor concept of women in their minds. When seen in comparison to a man who upheld and supported his wife, considered her an equal, or valued her as a Goddess among women, then you won't have any trouble finding a man as great as your Dad for your own sweetheart.
BTW, the perfect male role model I just mentioned is very rare and hard to find but if you're patient and diligent and don't lower your standards, you can find the one who is just right for you. I have such a husband 2nd time around, I had to divorce the first, abusive guy.
So yes, you have every right to not like the kind of person your father is and see him as a poor example of a man. You already know what to avoid in looking for a guy and thats a good place to be. My hubby when he had a child with ex, both were concerned about whether they could be good parents as both had poor examples of that. What they decided is to avoid doing all the things wrong their parents did and everything should turn out alright. they have a very healthy, normal, balanced person in their daughter. So it is very possible for you to be able to do the same, by avoiding men who remind you of your Dad.
I do have a suggestion in case it applies to you. If it doesnt, I don't mean to offend, its just how I see things and how the use of certain words in our thoughts and speech can set up our moods and attitudes that others pick up on.
Here goes. I understand and support the feminist movement. However, I do not call myself a feminist. Instead I call myself a Goddess. A Goddess stands for everything that a feminist does. The difference is that I see "feminist' as being in a position of having to strive for that position, to have to teach it to others, coming from a place of feeling one is treated inferior, so its a position of always having to fight hard to gain an inch of respect and equality.
Yes, maybe education can help. But as i mentioned with the role model thing, what makes a bigger impression is to find the kind of male who supports you this way, become a couple and as a couple be very visual where many others can witness an example of what the perfect equality in relationship is, the perfect balance and the perfect knowledge on both partners parts of who they are in the relationship, their role and importance to the relationship. I have that with my second husband. I didn't wise up until my late 40s but I have in a husband what most women long for, and what feminists have trouble finding.
The difference came later in life as I left the church but became more spiritual and in my discoveries felt a certain kinship with people of pagan belief systems. Many worship a Goddess, some like Druids acknowledge an equal balance and address God and Goddess, or often say Lord and Lady. It was here I found more often, men who understood and believed women to not only be on equal terms but many also believed she deserved to be elevated to a place of worship, or at least treasuring her, for woman has the ability to do what males cannot, create life and as such deserved to be revered. I liked what I heard. It made sense. I began to see myself as a Goddess and divorced the EX. When I dated, it was rare I found a boyfriend to date but I had high standards and put my requirements of a male, my criteria in a dating site. It helped weed out the worst. My standards were so high many complained or cussed me out. good, i had just weeded out more undesireables.
I learned to take control as a Goddess would, of my relationship future. I wasn't coming any longer from a position, of scrabbling to attain this higher position, I came from a position of already being there and letting it be known what I as a Goddess expect from any man who thinks to stand before me. So dear, set your standards high, don't lower them for any.
Lets say you meet a nice guy. Then he does something or says something that irritates you, sounds condescending or what. You get to teach him, train him is he is really such a man who is good at core but just not quite totally mindful of what he's doing. The FIRST time you need to tell him that what he did is not okay and wont be tolerated, that if it reoccures is a deal breaker for the relationship is important to do and give a 2nd chance. If he is a truly good man, he will not repeat an offense. He may begin to slip and catch himself and apologize and by what he says, you;ll know it was merely him trying to break a habit and from then, he never repeats. However, if a man repeats an offense and isn't caring that he did, you can bet there is more of that behavior deep at core waiting to surface and this is the moment to break up. Don't ever be so desperate for a guy that you will put up with crap. But you also don't have to remain single the rest of your life. A perfect man will uphold you the right way.
I will paraphrase what my hubby wrote in his opening message to me the first time on dating site.
"I am old enough to have come to realize my role as a male where it comes to women. My role is to uphold them in all that they do and create, to help enable them to bring forth that which they are gifted to do, and support them in any way I can." He also addressed me as "my Lady", and his opening line was not to say how hot or sexy I was. Instead, later in his message he said I was fair on the eyes, but that ones appearance shouldn't be the only attraction but to who the person was inside. From what I'd written of myself, his first impressions were that I sounded too good to be real, that I was full of BS. Later he wrote deciding that if I was full of BS, I'd quickly show it once we started talking and meeting. He was surprised to learn I was everything I said a I was and what I believed and how I lived my life. He calls me a Goddess. I had an ex boyfriend separated from wife to divorce, who also blurted out one day that I am a Goddess and went on to explain why he believed that. Yet when the wife wanted to try to make marriage work again, and the kids and history they have together, he decided to go back with her, amid tears on both sides. But what I am saying is that without me openly voicing that I am a Goddess, just believing it in my mind, 2 men in my life realized that and voluntarily called me one and have treated me as one, putting me on a pedestal but also enjoying working side by side where ever we can. With such a man, you get someone who recognizes your intelligence, your kind caring and just heart and trusts you implicitly with any final decisions upon which you do not compromise. In fact, my husband often will get an idea of something he'd like to try or do, a decision that might affect us financially or otherwise, and he comes to me, with his idea, and asks for my input, my direction, my intuition on it and says he will go with whatever I say. He sees the wisdom in me and knows my leading and choices will not be reckless.
I think your dark feelings do need to be dealt with for as long as they are there, they will not help in attracting the right guy for whenever you are ready for one. You likely feel this way from things that have formed over time due to the situation in which you were raised, seeing Mom treated as less than a human being or living thing, and also her so weak, without a spine she's willing to put up with and accept it. When it comes to others you come across in society that irritate you for whatever reason, take a couple deep breaths. You may need to take more time in your life to incorporate some stress relieving, calming events, meditating, some form of exercise or more of it or a different type, finding time to get out doors...out in nature, de-stressing things, like listening to your favorite music that calms you and or singing along or dancing to it, comedy is a good stress reliever as well as getting plenty of hugs. And finally, little known or reported to the general public, orgasms are a really good stress reliever so if single, masturbate.
Besides de-stressing, another thing that helps is the view point you choose. It works wonders in your bodys response to irritating, mean, spiteful people you come across in society, whether directly they focus on you or not.
I believe in reincarnation. You don't have to but it helps me feel that souls on this planet are at all 'grade' levels like in school. Some are brand new...like Kindergarten, and others HS and inbetween. If we progress and learn in one life time or many lifetimes, there will always be that steep learning curve and we are not being timed as to how quickly we progress and learn and mature as souls. Therefore, you will always come across other people who irritate you, or treat you terribly in life. The only way I can really deal with it mentally is to realize they just don't know any better, they are not as mature as me. they are further behind than perhaps myself, but at some point in time, even if briefly, I was there at their level without God/Goddess pushing me to progress faster. We have all been given a free will...so we either change or resist change...we've all been given those rights but over time, everyone eventually changes and grows enough to progress on. It just may be irritating that they take so long and are so slow, however you understand, we can't expect the Creator to give rights to only those who 'get it' right now and take those rights away from those doing the wrong thing. God/Goddess is fair and just. this has been long but I believe you really needed to hear all of this to help you know how to feel about being feminist and how to expect the best as far as finding the right man some day
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This sounds more like you are fed up with your family, then with all men.
You are 19. You should be unhappy at home. It's part of why you should be making a plan to get out of there.
Your feelings are extreme, and you should try to be civil and at peace as much as possible - for your own sanity. You are right to be unhappy. You also probably do have a bad attitude. Both of those things can be true.
The important part now is plan a way out of your negative and abusive environment. You are old enough to put a plan together. Put your energy into that rather than hating on them.
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