|
My mom is having another child at 45 and I am mortified
I'm 20. It's with my dad, too, so it's not like with some new boyfriend or husband. I don't get how any rational, humane mother could do this to their existing, adult children. My parents act like this new child will cure all their problems, and consider my older siblings and I "cursed" because of what some psychic said. I kid you not, a psychic. They think African witchcraft is real, despite claiming to be Catholics. And please don't come here propping up Wiccans or other aspects of paganism, it's all complete bullshit to me, and a toxic psychological influence. I'm transfering to another school away from home by next year, so I'm making myself as busy as possible so my parents don't think they have a built in babysitter, with a toxic curse, of all things. The baby is due in about 2 months and I'm not looking forward to it. I already have one 11 year old sibling and so already learned how to change diapers, feed a baby, etc. i was over the moon about that child, as I was also a child, then! I don't need another crash course now, I don't even want any of my own children til my 30s, and even then, I don't want them to be more than 4 years apart. So I don't want another responsibility dumped on me, when I'm still putting together my own life. I don't get what my mother was thinking and why mothers in general are so heartless by having another child In this way. It's not even like I was an only child and my mom suffered from fertility issues, either. Even something like that would be more rational. My mom tries to compare herself with one of her friends who had one adult child, and suffered years of fertility issues, before having another. And it's like... No. And I bet even that woman doesn't consider her older child cursed, and then expect them do be a nanny. My siblings have even each been named a certain way and I think she wants to break the trend, cause suddenly she's opposed to naming kids after grandparents and great grandparents, and if she does so, I'll be even more distant to this child. For the most part, I find it cruel for parents to have another child when their eldest is already 18 at the most. I'm not in the baby sibling mindset anymore, I'm old enough to be married with my children on my own, though this event makes me want to wait even longer before having kids, and I already wanted to wait a long time, anyways. So thanks mom, for scaring me off marriage and kids. As the middle child my issue isn't with being babied, I still baby my 11 year old sibling, I'm just in a special situation. I'm not even a bad person, I work with kids, I don't mind them, but the way my mom went about this is really embarrassing and I don't think I'll ever forgive her
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You've asked questions here before, and I think you've been given this advice already: You need to see a counsellor or therapist.
Frankly, I think you should avoid a spiritual leader or priest. They are likely to tell you to suck it up and stop hating your mother and this poor, innocent unborn child. A counsellor is more likely to hear your real struggles, and help you address them.
It's okay to feel anger, but so much of your anger is misplaced, and you are poisoning yourself. You are doing a lot of good work to get on with your life away from the toxicity of your parents, but you are holding yourself back emotionally with embarrassment, hatred and resentment.
You need to stop the negativity and anger and hate you are feeing in healthier ways. You need mental health support to do that. You need to stop obsessing about on your mother and this unborn child, not for their sake, but for you own. You are at risk of literally drowning in your hatred for them.
]
Ok, im gonna break this whole thing down a little but first before i do i wanna speak to you as someone who is a mother and is going to have more soon and as an individual who believes that you should do what makes you happy and not always what someone else thinks and how THEY feel about it.
im seeing a WHOLEEE lot of "me me me" and "i i i's" here in this post and i dont like it. This whole post has been just all about how you feel and nothing for your mother, her well being, or stating that your at least trying to understand why their doing what their doing.
Secondly as a couple thats been married for along time and already had their kids grow up and leave home, some couples feel that their children bonded them together and after you all grew up and moved out or whatever, they have little to nothing but an "empty nest" left and memories of what was. can you understand that??
If your mother is also about to go through menopause then she might be feeling really scared about the idea of not being able to have anymore children so maybe she figured she'd try to have just one more. Sort of like a last chance thing because she loved you all (even if she didnt always show it) and couldnt see her life PASSED those children rearing years. Maybe she didnt know or think about how life would go once you all grew up and moved out or moved on and never thought about the joys of getting to be a grandmother and things like that. Maybe shes afraid of getting old and wanted to prove to herself that she can still do it.
whatever the reason was, when it comes to someone who is significantly older purposely trying to become pregnant again, try to have a little sympathy, put yourself in her shoes and not your own. maybe she feels shes in a different "better" phase of her life now where she feels she could raise one more child in a better environment then what she provided for you. There could be an endless list of reasons here but chances are shes secretly scared deep down about getting older, not being able to have more kids, and is just saying the things shes saying to cover her tracks.
You cant let everything she says get to you, she is your mother yes, but your also an individual of your own and you dont have to agree with everything she says or does once your 18. some people pick up traveling after all their kids leave home, some pick up hobbies like making shit, your mom picked having another kid. *shrugs* theres not a whole lot you can do there your both adults.
All you can do at this point is make your feelings known, hope that she listens, and understands where your coming from. Ideally it would have been better to have had this chat with her BEFORE she got pregnant but its too late now. I just hope for her sake that she doesnt have a long list of complications from being older (which is something you can mention if you want to in a nice way of course)
You can get your message across to her without having an attitude or getting angry, you have to come at it from the angle of being concerned for her health though, and that your happy for her but that shes risking alot by trying to prove something to herself through a pregnancy.
If you decide to talk with her more about this maybe ASK her if shes concerned about complications, or the baby maybe dying because her body cant support another life anymore. You dont have to toss in that shes selfish or anything like that, its really not needed.
Adults who care for one another "show concern" younger adults who are still in "me me me" and how this or that makes "me feel" are still not yet adults and everything is all about them and they clearly still have some growing to do even if whats happening around them "isnt right" do you see the difference here??
age and maturity level are two very different things. Some people grow while others grow in age but not in maturity so maybe there is a lesson to be learned here for the both of you.
good luck
]
More Questions: |