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I need to forgive him but dont know how
Im gonna try and sum it up. On and off boyfriend for 6 years but were highschool sweethearts. Had our beautiful daughter in 2012 and she is now 3. We had a rocky road through the first 2 years at which point he met a girl off plenty of fish and got her pregnant after 2 weeks. I sucked it up and met her and agreed it was okay for her to be in my daughters life and blah blah. She told me that she had a daughter but gave it up to her brother and his wife because they couldnt het pregnant. After 3 months of her pregnancy we all found out that it was a lie and she's actually kind of sick and twisted.
They then broke up and about 8 months later we were together again, living together and i completley supported his relationship with his now 1 year old son. Im realizing that im still really hurting over this and I thought I had forgaven him but like.. that bond for the 2 of us sharing a child and a life.. is like now gone because we have to share it with the other girl. And she always messages me and his family telling me im just jealous because he has a kid with someone else and not too worry because he will be back with them in no time.
Now i must say he is a very very faithful man and I believe he is the one i want to marry but i find that this situation isnt getting any easier.. infact its becoming more hurtful. She constantly posts pictures of MY daughter on her social media and im really a very mature person but ill tell ya... shes .... one of a f****** kind.
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Has it occurred to you that perhaps being understanding and forgiving isn't what you have to learn here?
I come from a background of a total mismatch in 1st marriage partner, his wanting something more, getting into swinging with him, then polyamory. So the first thing that occurred to me, is that your husband may not deep down inside feel monogamous. He may be one of those guys who it hasn't occured to yet or may he knows but doesnt dare say, he feels more comfortable with the open marriage format, or polygamy...one man having many female partners and children with them, married or not, and lastly polyamory which isn't at all what he is knowingly doing because poly has to be loving and open and a triad or more who are all sexual and having children together is another form of family, only for the very mature and not for a person who can't handle one relationship correctly.
He may not have had a piece of paper declaring him your husband but when he got serious enough to commit to you and have a child with you, he was he was actually doing that even though he didn't take his commitment to you seriously.
A relationship needs to be built on trust. Trust takes a long time to build and only a short time to destroy. He destroyed it the moment he began checking out girls on POF or any other dating sites while still with you. Then he left you for her. Hon, I have to be honest, when there is love in our hearts for them, it makes us able to allow a person to get practically away with murder in how they treat us woman in a relationship. Its true. I experienced it with different circumstances but still the same thing. I am a loyal trusting person at heart, but he consistantly broke my heart, my trust and treated me terribly. Still my heart was stubborn and loved him. However, by time 30 years had gone by, the love I actually had for him as a partner has slowly been whittled away at until there was none left. I can't say how long that will take for you.
I may sound as if I believe he is not reformed in his character. Usually when you get a glimpse of what a person is capable of, infidelity and commitment to a woman, there is more where that came from. More often than not hon, when person makes a big grave error, it is because of who and what they are at core deep inside and there's more of that waiting to come to the surface, and less chance of it being a one time mistake that he has learned from. I think that deep down, your subconscious mind realizes this and won't let you forget and trust and thus not seem to forgive. You forgave him by giving him the chance to get back together with you. Now he has to prove himself to you...there's nothing you need to do. He needs to regain, and re earn his trust with you and that will take at least twice as long if not more than the trust he earned with you in the beginning.
Then again, there's one more thing to consider, is he even worthy of your trust in the first place?
Having a child with a girlfriend is the same thing like you marrying a divorced guy with children, his kids and his ex are going to be in your life to some extent forever as long as you are with the guy. You can not change his commitment to her and that kid. You may not be able to stop her from doing things you do not like, or find proper.
If postin pics of your daughter is your biggest concern and nothing else is, then stop posting pics on FB or create a 2nd acct (without your name, a made up title like Strawberry Lover) just for your mom sis or whoever so they can see pics but mark your FB acct private so that only friends can view your pics or posts. So then even if she wants to view them if she is a friend on FB with your family too or his, she can no longer view pics and let family know you do not wish them to repost them, its only for them to enjoy looking at. If she sends a friend request, deny it. That would solve just one issue but not the bigger one. He needs to re earn his trust. If he breaks it again, then the smart confident woman in you needs to arise and leave him because like the dating site says, there are Plenty of other Fish in the sea. And you can certainly find a whole lot better than him. Don't settle for less unless you want to.
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