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i love my boyfriend but really is he the best for me?
I love my boyfriend & he loves me. I've never been in a long term-long distance relationship before. We talk every night & when do get to hang around each other is soo hard to part ways. but he has a lot of issues... 2 kids.. 2Baby mommas .. i have met one kid/mom the other lives States away.. i have NO kids.
I knew him in the past and loved him ever since and now that hes in my life again and hes said he's always loved me it seems like a fairytale .. like are we really soulmates? He says he want me & obly me and forever.
but i go on his facebook and he asks ppl about other girls. not often actually just today but he is an alcoholic and i don't want to make excusess.. he also pokes" other women... is that lead to cheating? If he only wants why does he do that stuff on fb? I'm immature for my age and so is he and i have never had a serious relationship before .. what u think?
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You've given me all the reason why he would not be a good choice of a man to go after. So all we need to know now is the other half of the list of pros and cons, the pro's are missing.
And don't tell me that having known him in the past is one of the reasons he is a good choice. tats neither positive nor negative.
If some rich person tomorrow told you that an angel told them to give you lots of money to make you rich, would you believe them just because they told you? I dont think so. You wouldn't believe it until you had some real proof. And what would be 'real proof' for you? If you havent guessed, let me help, the proof would be in the rich persons actions, by actually setting up the bank acount in your name and putting the money in it, right?
From this story, would you agree that,
Until proven by a persons actions not onceas meaningless.
I hope you said yes. Because when this man tells you ... " he's always loved you & he wants you & only you and forever", those are only words until he can consistantly prove them.
So how to know a man's character and who he is inside? Well a good principle to live by is: Whatever fruit you see in his life, you can expect more of the same from where that came from.
What I mean is, If he were an apple tree, you would not be able to expect oranges from him. His past life is the example of what you can expect from him, apples, not oranges which in real words translates to he probably doesnt have a clue what love is. He knows what Lust is and acting on it got him two kids with two other women. You state you are both immature for your age. That is one of the problems too. Early in our life, dating and relationships are delved into without having a clue or experience yet on the how to navigate it without making mistakes. No, theres no such class to learn it in, but people can ask questions of older adults as you are doing here. So that is a good thing. Although I am afraid your long term feelings for him will win out and you will run to him feeling he is the best you have at this moment and often thats enough for a girl, she settles for less more often because she hasn't taken the time to write out a list of what she really wants in a guy. On your ideal list of what you'd want in a guy, would you be looking for a guy who is an alcoholic? Would that be a 'must have' so that if he wasn't an alcoholic, that would be a deal breaker and you wouldn't be interested? Sounds idiotic, doesnt it. I am trying to make a point here. If you wouldn't put something like that on a list of what you are looking for in a guy, why would you accept one who is. this isn't the only potential problem I see, but using just this one for an example. Why do people drink? One way it starts is to impress friends and they just over do it. Which means, this man has no self control, he is unable to set personal limits and stick with it, and that's a short step away from unable to make promises and stick with them, both things I'd hope were on your list of things you want in a man. Now the other reason is that he is using alcohol to cover up his hurt of something in the past that has emotionally bothered him. It could be a great variety of things that can happen, a controlling parent, abuse, neglect, bullying done to them, or just one little incident their child mind took the wrong way but wasn't bad, and to escape the memories rather than face them and get professional help, a person over drinks to numb the sense. So again, you have a person who has some issues in his past that could be a bomb waiting to explode where they continue to do the same to others that was done to them. It could mean they don't want to learn to forgive which is part of the healing process, and living with a man who holds you responsible for every little thing and has a habit of not forgiving is a possibility, or again if abuse in his past, he could over time become over abusive and controlling. the list goes on as to the potential problems than can arise. All people have things in their past that are not very nice stuff that they had to learn to overcome in other ways. taking to alcohol, is running away from your issues rather than facing them. Quite an unadmireable trait in a man, wouldn't you say?
He also does not discuss anything about sex and contraception before having sex with a girl as evident from having made two babies already. Either he doesnt really care if they get pregnant cus in the end he doesnt feel its his responsibility...which it darn well is...to discuss birth control and safe sex if he were mature and caring, OR you can try to believe that both girls lied to him about being on protection when they weren't. In that case, I can see it happening once, but not twice. Fact is it happened twice, which means proper contraception wasn't used. this could mean his choice in women that he is attracted to has nothing to do with them being responsible, adult, mature women who will take care of such matters even if he doesnt bring it up. If he can make such poor choices of females in the past, how can you be sure he's learned how to discearn a good choice now. Maybe he does not have a clue what he is looking for in a woman to spend long term or life long with? And if he still isn't sure, then how will he know that you are the one? Thats like you applying for a job and telling the person hiring how much you like doing 'whatever' and how you get real satisfaction from doing ..... when you don't have a clue, YOu're just saying that to get the job. and any job will do cus you want money, not the position because you actually have a heart for what the company represents.
So if he has no clue that you are the right one, it makes sense that even tho clueless, he will keep looking at other girls, no matter what he says to you because for some reason, he thinks he will know the right one instantly even tho he hasn't a clue. He isn't ready for a serious relationship. And there is a chance you may not be either. But you could be. It will take alot of study on how to better yourself, learn how to become a more self sufficient person, gain more self confidence, decide what it is you really want in a man, in very detailed notes to yourself, and begin to study about how to relate to all people not just specific study in how to relate to a partner as the whole is going to help you just as much in preparation. Study dating do's and don'ts. Read some psychology books geared at understanding oneself let alone others. Be well equipped first before dabbling in something you aren't prepared for. Like driving a car, a person needs to learn to become familiar with where everything is in a car, what they do, read up on driving rules and pass tests before they can be licensed to drive a car. there's unfortunately no such system for relationships, where one can study a set program, pass tests and be road ready for a relationship. that part is up to you to figure out how to do.
this is just my opinion based on how I interpreted your words and can be totally off, but again with what you wrote, this is what I think.
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Hi sweetie,
Long distance is always so hard :( Wah :(
Long distance relationships can work out,if its meant to be,and it set up on trust,honesty,and spending time with one another.
You mentioned he ''pokes'' other women on FB,it can lead to cheating,but only if the women he pokes respond back to him,not all the women he pokes at will be intrested in him
Does he have ''In A Relationship'' status on FB? If not,you may want to casually mention it,like''Hey,could I put ''In A Relationship on Facebook?'' etc,make it light,and see if that is something you might do,its not a bad idea
You didnt mention how old you are,I assume you are in your early 20s,dont worry,you still have time to mature,we all go at different paces,and your guy will mature much later than you do,its a known fact,women mature faster than men do.
He has 2 kids,thats hard. Really hard.
Did you just found out he is an alcoholic? If so,think about long he has been one,and may consider he gets help for that.That can be very very dangerous.Suppose he comes out to see you and he is drinking,and you get in an arguement,he can hit you,he can be verbally abusive.Its very dangerous.Dont put yourself in that position.
Sweetie,take some time out and ask yourself if this is worth it to YOU to keep pursuing. Ask yourself if you see yourself marrying this man,keep in mind,the longer this relationship goes,the more attatchment that will be,and further down you meet his children,then they get attatched to you,and if you both split up,his children would also be affected by the break-up.
Think about this a bit more before stepping forward.
Much love
Xo
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