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Do I disclose my miscarriage?
BACK STORY: I was with a boyfriend for many years, and I was on oral birth control (daily pills). Well, I suffered a burst ovary because of some sort of hormonal imbalance caused by the pills (don't use Micronor!) and was told that particular ovary may be 'gone' and not functional. About 2 months or so later we broke up (super stressful situation for unrelated reasons) and he moved out of town.
Approximately a month thereafter I was having severe lower abdomen pain and started a quick-onset super heavy period after not having it in the previous 3 months (it was becoming very irregular with spotting here and there around when it was supposed to arrive). I was informed by the clinic that it was probably because I had gone through extreme wight fluctuation (really skinny to larger, back to skinny and then bordering fat because of the hide-in-a-corner depression and then overeating), but they sent me for urine & blood tests just in case it was something else (cancer, heart disease and diabetes runs in my family). Since I was in a don't-eat-anything phase, I was able to immediately go to the lab, where they discovered that I was pregnant and sent me to an ultrasound clinic later that day. Basically within the 2-4 between my appointments my mind was racing trying to figure out how the heck I was going to get through this as 'dad' was now out of the picture, I was along and broke, about how much relief I felt that I was able to carry a child after my medical condition earlier that year, and how much I already loved it, and the stress of explaining this to my parents (i was 23 and live on my own, but am very close to my parents). I was once again confused/relieved/sad when the ultrasound tech told me that what I had experienced overnight (the whole reason why I went to the clinic) was very likely a miscarriage. Enter even more emotions of guilt, thinking it was my fault. I 'got over it' in about a month or so and didn't tell anyone, basically tried to block it out. Well, like 8 months later the emotions came back as it would have been the approximate birth week. That was hard as hell. Until I went through the emotional trauma of exactly a year later and it killed me.
I am currently with someone new, whom I love very much, and we are in a very good place and moving forward. I was able to hide the emotion (or successfully blame it on something else) but I just keep getting super depressed despite my life being very happy right now every time I think about it, which is increasingly a lot because we are making future plans including marriage and family. We've talked about my concern of not being able to have children because my ovary issue, and he's been super sweet about it, but he doesn't know why it worries me so much...
I guess my question is, should I tell him about it? Is it relevant to our relationship if we are not trying to conceive any time soon? Is he entitled to know? Or can I keep this to myself forever? Or at least wait until if we even do encounter conception problems? I am just confused and sad and can't think rationally.
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I agree with most of what rainhorse68 has said. What I don't agree with is that you have been able to deal with this loss in a manner that will allow you to move on with your life. This and the fact that you are unsure if you need to disclose this to your future husband needs to be resolved before you enter into a marriage.
It is unfortunate that some of us have traumatic events in our lives that we must deal with. Most all of us try to push them to the back of our minds and lock them away hoping that we never have to deal with them again.
I was just one of those people. While I thought I had dealt with this problem it affected me more than I realized and almost cost me my marriage. Then unfortunately I had a life threatening event and needed help to get past it as it changed my whole manner of living, I was disabled in an auto accident hit from behind while stopped at a light. In therapy my therapist realized there was more than just the accident bothering me and she worked with me until I unlocked the compartment I had hidden away the problem that had plagued me for years.
Now you may be different from me and be able to lock this event away and never think of it again. I don't think so, not from what you have written. I believe you would be better served to seek the assistance of a qualified psychologist you can relate to and discuss this with. By talking it out with someone not involved with the trauma can help you resolve the issues. Your therapist can also help you decide if you should tell your future husband and help you in how to tell him. Possibly in a therapy session which is how we informed my wife of what was the original trauma in my life.
If you are working ask your employer or if you know you have and EAP program contact the them and ask them to help you find a Psychologist. In this way the initial visit and maybe others will be paid for by the EAP program before your health insurance kicks in.
Your visits to a therapist are totally confidential. What is said in therapy stays in therapy. Only you by written permission can give your therapist permission to release information and them only to those you want it released to.
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Personally, I don't think 'right to know' issues are so much the criteria you should be evaluating your decision on. It's more the fact that you have suffered some traumatic experiences, and they need to be 'processed' properly. It's much to much to keep to yourself. OK, we can selectively edit-out bits of our past...and many of us do. And 'blanking' bad experiences does occur. You sound completely rational about the events themselves in your own mind, however. It's purely the question of disclosure that's the problem now, isn't it? The act of hiding and suppressing it will cause all manner of emotional and mental conflict and instability. Remember that guilt isn't valid here either, is it? You haven't brought these on yourself, either deliberately or through lack of thought. In many ways, and in many cases we have no choice but to play the hand we are dealt. I think you should discuss it, rather than put it off. It seems you've already told him 'half the story' as it were, and it hasn't put him off, has it? Get the whole thing out into the light, painful as it is. We all spend far more time worrying and fearing than we are actually hurt, I think? It's not fair on yourself trying to keep all that hurt bottled up mate. However strong you feel you are, it's too much to ask of anyone.
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yes to talk about it, because if you talk about it now it could stop a possible breakdown in the future. and he will probably be more likely to not bother you over an issue he KNOWS you are senstitive over.
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