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How could he do this to me..
My best friend of 11 years decided to start dating each other 2 years ago. I love him so much it hurts. Well he's left me two other times to start dating someone else and then comes back. I think he's doing it again.. I can feel the distance and he's finding ways to blame everything on me and get mad at me for everything I do or don't do. This is exactly how he started acting last time he left me, he makes me feel like it's my fault and idk why.. Why can't he just be man enough and say that he found someone else? We've been best friends since we were kids.. don't I deserve that much? I don't get why guys do this.. I know it's not just him my past boyfriend did the exact same thing to me.. He doesn't break up with me he keeps it open but just starts acting different so I'll get mad and break it off so he doesn't look like the bad guy so when he's done with her he can come back and be able to say it was my fault we broke up... I don't get how he could hurt me this bad.. He promised he would never make me feel this way again but here i am... I'm lost for words.. I feel numb but really sad all at the same time
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Dude, he's going through a hard phase and it's normal. One day, he'll realize what he's done to you, and at that day you should still be his bestfriend. By then, he'll appreciate you, and he'll love you for all the efforts you've done.
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Missundersmock decribed to a Tee what its like being in relationship with a man who does this deflecting, I should know, I was married 30 years to a man like that. At first when young, the verbal assault only happened at certain times and the good time stretches were longer. But as the years went by, the time balance flipped and he was more verbally abusive the majority of the time and the kiss and makeup honeymoon period in this vicious non stopping cycle grew less and less. At the end, there were no 'good' days left. I was nuts to stay that long with him. But I had to learn the hard way. So I'd like to spare you putting in 30 years, or even 10 more with him to find out the same. Whatever you see of his character in the beginning are glimpses of who he really is at core, deep in his character and personality. Unless he is admitting that he has the problem and is asking where to go for help, then he's not ready to change and most people tend to not make any major changes like this for the better in an entire lifetime. I learned that from a counselor we saw near the end. With no hope of him changing even a little for the better, I knew I couldn't face another 10, 20 or more years with him and left. I hope you do the same.
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Hunny, this isnt what men do, this is what grown little BOYS do first off.
Secondly, you need to pull yourself up by your boots straps and NOT allow him to come back again. Now he thinks he can walk all over you because you let him back so many times!
He obviously cant stay committed so why would you want to keep putting your heart on the line? and who cares if it looks like you broke it off, hes no good anyway, look how he makes you feel by the things he says and does....
Let him know that he can go date other people but that you wont be there hanging around for whenever THAT doesnt work out this time period.
What hes doing is called deflecting ok, this is what people do to make themselves feel better about treating you like dirt. They nit pick at every little thing you do to start a fight so that your reaction will feed the flames and he'll have a logical reason to be mad at you. ((even though thats not logical at all))
so dont feed into his BS, ive had this happen before with guys and ive mastered how to fix it. At the end of the day it wont matter because youll ALWAYS do something wrong to be the bad guy in their mind because they need to make themselves feel better about hurting you because they KNOW their doing wrong. Secondly, you can ALSO try this: kill him with kindness, whatever he says or does DO NOT REACT, stay totally calm, show a blank poker face and just stare. say nothing when he does or say stupid bs. This will force a response from him because your refusing to react and he wont understand why. the less you say and do back the better.
then look away and say something simple like "thats fine" and continue to say nothing. Then if he tries to change the topic and make himself look like the victim by talking about something thats on a lighter note (say about a friend thats having a party over the weekend or something) just say ok. keep your answers short after he does something incredibly stupid or mean or nit picky so that no matter WHAT HE will ALWAYS look like the bad guy. see? and your just trying to please him but hes not being reasonable.
This is a cycle when people do this kinda stuff. and hes really feeling the need to hate you right now because he knows hes doing something awful behind your back. He knows its wrong and is in denial. dont give him a reason to hate you, stay cool, calm, and collected.
Then once hes being nice again break it off. Hes not worth all the heart ache hes caused you no matter how long youve known each other. youll find someone new if you just put yourself out there.
good luck.
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