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need help over a friend that says i said things i didnt say??
I have a good friend who in recent years has been through a string of emotionally abusive and controlling relationships. She has some communications issues because of it and even some PTSD from the trauma of the physical abuse.
I came back into her life after we had a fall out years ago over me trying to talk her house out what because a very abusive dysfunctional relationship with a man who was very schizophrenic.
She was very passive for years with men and friendships and now that i came back a couple years ago and have shown her that she doesnt have to be passive and "doormat" like and that she can demand respect from men and not allow herself to be walked all over. Well its worked really well so far but she ALSO has this problem where she thinks she hears people out in public "talking shit" about her when shes not even completely sure and saying she SWEARS when we do things like go through a drive thru that she heard the cashier call me (the driver) a b-word under her breathe because i asked her to correct something when i didnt hear anything at all.
She is a person that is very ruled by her emotions and i am not, i feel comfortable in public and dont think or care about what others think or say about me.
Recently she has started to claim that me or my husband has said something to her that was mean or cruel that we did not in fact say AT ALL during some random conversation way earlier in the day that neither one of us said!
example: we went out to walk our kids along the beach to get a work out. She had bought a bunch of bananas for the kids to share (she has two boys, i have one) i was in a pleasant mood and glad we were at the time beach, i THOUGHT we had a great time. She passed out the food and i remember playfully copying the kids in fun little voices when they were asking for bananas.
The next morning i get a harsh text from her early in the AM that she "noticed" that i called her second youngest "a little b word" when he was asking for a banana and that she felt that was wrong and hurtful and she didnt want her kids disrespected"
Now i woke up to this shocked beyond believe and trying to think back on the day before (which was hard because we did so much during the course of the day) to remember when exactly i would have done this.
I said i was sorry and that i dont remember saying that and asked her when exactly i said that so that i could think back on what was going on when i supposedly said it and try to see where my head was at when those words were spoken. The problem is that for the moment she says that i uttered these words, it doesnt match with my mood during that part of the day or with what was going on!
She said she has a problem with speaking up when she hears something because she isnt used to sticking up for herself, and shes a good friend and all but i KNOW i didnt say that and i certainly wouldnt have said that about a young toddler aged child! but shes so sure of it!
(shes also claimed that my husband has said some insensitive mean things to hear when he did not and i was right there during said conversation and he was fully on her side over the subject matter saying "you shouldnt have to go through this, its unfair" and so on) but she insists that he was NOT on her side and that i dont know what lead up to the conversation (when i DO because i was right there)
The subject matter during that conversation WAS a very touchy one for her at the time and i ask him not to bring it up period and he did anyway even though he was on her side and she still was crying and screaming at him over it claiming that he was NOT on her side even though i and two over friends heard it and knows what he said....
how do i handle someone like this?? shes a long time friend (about 15 years).....(((totally lost over this and dont know where else to turn)))
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Hon, there's something going on in society well beyond my ability to comprehend why. All I know is the world keeps getting more toxic so perhaps that is slowly in tiny degrees beginning to have effects on the minds of some people more than others. I see it more like little memories lapses, or not remembering things said or that happened that lets say my sister said happened. Or I seem to hear 75% or a conversation but no recollection of the other 25 % or find myself making simple errors in spelling or using incorrect words when my grammar is pretty darn good like using here for hear, and there for their and I do catch these even minutes later even in here giving advice. By looking around my world, I see many other people doing the same thing, I find silly errors that advertising and editor types fail to see before road or bus billboards are printed or to what I see printed. It's becomeing way too noticeable in too many places to think it could just be something wrong with me. I don't believe theres any way to 'fix' it. You can attempt to continue to be her friend and put up with this. Having a talk with her will just not help. No one can help a person remember facts that their brain failed to record in the first place.
Now, its another story when a person believes they hear you to say something or do something you never did. That's more in the direction of a mental disability or mental health problem. A person with low self esteem can be seriously affected in how their mind interprets things. Because they expect the worst, their subconscious mind plays tricks on such people. Knowing a little about the subconscious mind, my guess is its likely since The subconscious mind strives to make all your emotional issues of what you dwell on most, whether love or hate or worries, etc to come true, It's easy to figure it has the ability to make you believe something to be fact simply because its seems important to you due to you dwelling on it so much so that your subconscious causes you to hear things that never were said or never were done as if they were real.
I believe you to be innocent and can understand your confusion. It happened to me twice. My husband and I had charge of a class of preschoolers in an Awana, church program for kids on Wed. nights. Some parent accused of seeing us being mean or something to one of their kids. We were checked out by the leaders and I think they could tell we were as shocked by the story as they were. Another time, a woman at church recently divorced by her husband went to our pastor in charge of counseling and told him about hearing me say negative things about her pre school child that she was a trouble maker, disruptive and a pain in the butt. If a child was a trouble maker, I would not go blabbing that as gossip to others of her friends in the first place and would be extremely wise in what words I use if I went to talk to the parent so as not to have them take me wrong. the Pastor knew me well and knew that wasn't in my character. She was the church secretary. I was one day in the office where she resided along with the pastors offices and I was there for the attached food bank. The pastor pulled me aside telling me the story. He didn't have to tell me to do anything. He could see by my horrified look I felt bad her friends has said such things to her and her believing it. I had kids that age. I told him I would talk to her. Apparently he secretly spied on me. I went up to try to help her feel better. told her I just learned that she'd heard from someone else. that in fact her daughter was the best behaved child in class, so polite and funny and my favorite and I can't imagine how terrible she must have felt and I lost it, I began to cry as I hugged her, she was immedicated healed of this terrible hurt she'd carried, having a low self image since husband recent left her. the pastor later told me I had done well. I never admitted to guilt, just sorry that she had believed something so painful and it helped.
I can't say if theres any action, even tearful hugs that would help convince your friend that no ones out to be intentionally mean or rude to her and hers. But its worth a try. However if it comes to a point where its' affecting you on a daily basis, in a negative way, affecting your stress level, your health from the stress and your ability to cope with all the other things in your life on your daily plate, then you may have to seriously consider limiting how much time you spend in contact with her or eventually not do so at all.
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I'm afraid I don't have great advice.
If she knows that she sometimes misremembers things, you can at least start there. You can remind her that when she is feeling deeply and intensely about a conversation, that she doesn't always remember it accurately.
I think the most important thing you can do is stay honest and not give approval of her thoughts that are really not reality based. It's important to acknowledge that yes, she may feel offended or upset, but that no, that isn't what actually took place.
It's tough, and it might not be enough to save the friendship. She might still end the friendship over these perceived insults, but at least you'll have told her the truth, and hopefully you can help her seek out support for these issues.
Misremembering is something all human beings do - even healthy ones. We are better are remembering how we felt about something, then about what other people actually did or said. That much is totally normal. Taken the degree she has though, it's obviously destructive. Your best bet it probably to gently ask her questions about her misrememberings, while acknowledging her feelings are real. It's a tough line to walk, and she might not be ready to deal with her own biases and confusions, but it's likely the best thing you can do for her.
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