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confliction in typical conservative Indian family
Hello there I am Samayra n I belong to a typical conservative Indian family.my mom is very honest n genuinely good person.she has done nothing worng in her life.she used to play sitar n had a dance school n she was at the peak of her career before she got married.my dad n his family promised her that she can pursue her job n sitar after marriage but day by day they gave immense responsibilities n household workload on her shoulder.she couldn't speak out n take stand for herself as to maintain the pride n respect of her parents.n tolerated all the torture.my dad enjoyed his life wid his frnz n sister in laws.now my dad is posted somewhere else n he stays over there.mom n my maternal grandma stay at our home.due to some property issue my maternal uncles misunderstood my mom n as I said before my mom is very honest so she couldn't tolerate when her brothers cheated my grandma regarding property.so right now basically all my relatives both paternal n maternal,couldn't withstand my mom.my dad has started performing in concerts n making CDs whereas this was mom's career genre n he put all the responsibilities on mom.he only pays money to keep our livelihood running.my mom has taken enough of this torture n now she has become a rebellious.i know she has faced enough n did nothing wrong n still counting on her mental sufferings but sometimes she act naive.i have sympathy for her n I even fought wid some of my relatives for her but her expectations are choaking my neck now.one of my cousin sis will get married soon so her parents called my dad n invited him n told me to be present certainly but they didn't call mom n didn't invite her directly.now my mom doesn't want me to go n she sabotaging me emotionally to go.but I am getting isolated from everyone just because of her.i want to go.but if I go she will be hurt.what should I do?
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I understand Mom doesnt want you to go but do you want to attend the Wedding? If you don't care either way whether you attend or prefer to please Mom but not want to hurt cousin, You could tell Mom you won't go. Tell cousin that you'll try to attend and day before wedding leave a message that you are sick with the flu. This is about the only valid reason for someone not attending a very important event like this that will not hurt the feelings of the one inviting you. Disappointed maybe but not upset with you.
Another way to look at this is, do you fully support what your mother is doing? To someone like myself born in the U.S. it is unconceivable that any person would choose to give up all their rights and wishes just to please a husband or believe that what they do will make their parents and grandparents look bad or bring shame. Here, we try not to judge a person based on what their family lineage has done and neither do elders get the blame if their children brought up right, choose to go the wrong way. I know there arent many yet in India who have this more progressive way of thought and living but they are growing in numbers. Your mother is trying to live her life for herself and according to how I was raised, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact I married a man who attended church and seemed to be a good man but within a short time, he began to verbally abuse me and towards the end there were times he was physically abusive as well. Her4e, I had the choice to leave him and start my own life when I tried everything before to please him, do his wishes but this was by choice. Later I regretted this as it was getting worse and so I wanted out. Perhaps it is harder for females to survive on their own in India but as far as your mom goes, you need to decide how you believe...more like her or more like the rest of the family. Do not let your answer be based on the fear of them cutting you out of their life and frowning upon your actions. So if you agree with Mom, then stand up for her, and let the others know that you choose not to attend because they did not invite your mother, not because you are angry at them. You understand their reasons, but you want to support your mom and continue to have a good relationship with her. Leave it at that and face whatever comes of standing up for what you believe. I see these as your only options but perhaps someone else will have another perspective. Good luck dear.
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