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I have too much going in my life and I don't know what to do?
Hello, I'm 20/female.
I don't even know where to start. I just passed the entry exam for Nursing school last week. I'm super excited because I studied so hard for so long and was one of 5 people out of 50 who passed in my testing group. Nursing is my dream and I'm very dedicated but I know the schooling is going to very difficult and time consuming after my first year. I start in a month.
I've also been with my fiance for two years, who is a male and I love him to death but I'm starting to really doubt how good we are for each other. Our life goals are vastly different and his hobbies and pass times don't line up with mine. We get along fairly well and everybody except my brother, father and my bff (who know better) think we're a perfect couple and want to see us get married. Right now we're making things work and love each other but the thing is...I think I'm lesbian. My fiance was my first and since then I've come to realize that I enjoy the company of women much more than I do men and I find them much more attractive.
I live in a small town though (where I'll be in college for several years) and in the past when I've looked to try and date other lesbians there just weren't any (even on the dating sites) and I don't want to come out without knowing for sure.
I was starting to think about actually telling my bff in the hopes she would support me and go with me to some lgbt friendly clubs and help me decide what to do. Her and her boyfriend have been fighting a lot and she'd been talking about breaking up with him and showing me pics of these other guys so we'd discussed us getting our own place together so we could just be single and mingle without men in our lives. Then yesterday she announced to me that she's pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. I was of course massively shocked as she hasn't even been with him a year. Her parents didn't even know he existed and now she's acting like they're super happy again and everything is going to be just wonderful with a baby coming even though they're late on all their bills and in debt now, without a baby.
So then she got the idea to talk to her boyfriend and her boyfriend talked to my fiance (we're all friends) and the three of them decided that we're all going to get a house together in a month (same time I'll be starting college) because according to them "it will lessen everybody's finances and she'll have a good home for her baby".
So now she's super excited and has decided their accidental baby will magically fix all their problems and that she's so happy that we're all going to be living together as two "perfect couples" and that it will be "so much fun" to raise her baby with her boyfriend and her best friend (me).
Meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning now and my hand is being forced and all the sudden her life is my responsibility too and I didn't even get a say because I don't really have any other options.
What do I do?
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Wow, I can understand why it feels like You're drowning! I would feel the same.
The first thing I want to point out about your letter is that you assume your father, brother and bff "know better." Hummmm...?? Why do they know better when it comes to you and who you are? They can't hear the thoughts in your head? They aren't you, they don't walk in your shoes every day, you do. When it comes to you honey, you are the one that knows best. Being honest about what you know and acting on that knowledge is what your struggling with. Know that your thoughts are valid, you know you best! Don't let other people convince you otherwise. I know they love you and they're just trying to help but they don't know you like you know yourself.
It seems like your bff is getting a rocky start into adulthood. My guess, is that she is going to need you for a stable voice and support later. Do anything you can to NOT to move into this house. It has TRAIN WRECK, written all over it. Things are most likely going to go up in flames in that house and the distraction could cost you, your college career! If nursing is your passion and goal you need to prioritize it. You can't take responsibility for your friends life, its not your life it's hers. Attempting to do so, can lead to resenting her and ruining the friendship. Tell her that you love her and you are there for her but you can't move into this house. You need to focus and study and the idea of two couples and a baby is giving you anxiety. Plus you want to have a place where she can come to getaway, or get a little silence from time to time. Trust me, new moms need that!
Nursing school is not easy, and many that attempt, never make it through! Seriously, if you want this make it a priority. You will be studying late nights. How is that going to go over in a house with a baby crying in the next room and, a fiancé that wants sex/attention that you may not have the time for or be interested in? This situation could also lead to you resenting him. Which, brings me to my next point. Do anything you can to NOT move in with him. Due to resent self discoveries, you need to be deescalating this engagement, NOT escalating it. If you're not sure what your sexual preferences are you don't need to come out as anything but you do need to stop this marriage for right now. If you really love this guy and care for him, you cannot let him keep believing in this life with you thats potentially a lie. It will really hurt him down the road to find out after you're already married and/or living together. To continue misleading him is wrong. You don't need to tell your whole family but I would at least tell him whats going on and be honest. Tell him you're questioning your sexuality and you think you might be a lesbian. Tell him, it's not for sure, you're sorry but you love him too much to mislead him. He might be sad and hurt but if he is a decent person and he really does love you, he will come around to being grateful that you were honest. If the two of you are meant to be you will come together again.
Lastly, you have options! Please know you have options! You can make choices about your life. This is what being an adult is all about. You have to do the right thing and you have options. The reason it feels like your drowning is because everyone else is choosing for you. You feel like you have no control over your life because you are letting everyone else make decisions for you. Now, some really bad ones are about to happen if you don't speak up. You can do it! I can tell you are a good and caring person so use that as your strength to pull the brake on this nightmare!
If you meant that you don't have options in terms of a living arrangement, you just have not looked. Your parents won't let you continue living at home? Can you take out a student loan and live in the dorms? Can you work for your school as an RA and live the dorms for free? look around, I promise there are options, you just have to look. If you can live in the dorms, girls like you are pretty common. Even in a small town, college is the time for experimentation. They don't call it "the college try," for nothing. I tried being a lesbian several times in college. Although I never went pro, I enjoyed every minute of it! If you're town isn't conducive to the lifestyle you want, school can be a door way to finding a place that is. If you get really great grades and do really well, you can transfer to another school easily. If you have a good GPA and do a lot of activities in your department, college, etc, you can transfer with a scholarship to another city. SERIOUSLY, someone will pay your tuition to go to school in a place filled with lesbians and bi-girls that are waiting for you!!!! Even if you stay at your school for all three years, you can get a job after in one of those bigger cities. I of course, would kill it my first year and then transfer but thats just me. Bottom line, go for what you want. You can't help people and be good to others when your dying inside. You want to serve other people, thats why you want to be a nurse, I understand that. You may never get there if you keep letting everyone else make your decisions.
The people that love you will love you for doing what you know is best. The people that really love you want to see you happy. If they don't want to see you happy, that's not love.
Good luck, be strong honey. The world is at your finger tips, I hope you take it.
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Doesn't sound like anyone consultedd you with this idea of renting a place together. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, just because all 3 like the idea. While it is a good way to cut living costs, when sharing a place, you want to get in with people you can tolerate long term, who are stable and settled and won't be changing their mind, not to break relationship breakups. A baby crying will wake you. You don't know how much a newborn can disrupt a household.
So both you girls aren't sure about your guys anymore, perhaps they aren't the best match for you.
I can't tell you whether you are a lesbian. There's always a chance that you are bi-sexual instead. I've known of bi women who are attracted to just one special man who is her husband, has chemistry with and kids with but he knows she's attracted to women. The husband allows his wife to have female lovers on the side. Men do not seem to be jealous of female lovers of girlfriend/wife. Who ever is your special guy, if you are certain that he is the right one for you, he needs to know.
Also, you don't have to be engaged in sexual relationships with a female, just to know you are lesbian or bi. You have these feelings and yearnings inside for a reason. There are children too young for sex who have figured out that they are transgender, gay or bi. You need to figure out or not, if you are sexually attracted to this guy or if you were just following the norm and for social reasons, dating guys but never really had any great attraction for them.
Since you are about to start school, I don't know how much free time you will have to date any women if you can find them. That may come later in life.
If you say nothing to the 3, you risk feeling miserable stuck with them and your boyfriend day after day, 24/7. If you haven't lived with them before, you can't know if you'd all get along together. YOu'd have to have same ways to keeping up a place, same habits and some other things in common but since you don't, it doesnt sound like they'd be a good match for roommates for you, none of the 3, unless maybe just one female roommate but yours is expecting and you
will end up with stress from your living situation possibly distracting you from studies.
If you need roommates badly, you could lesson the stress of having a boyfriend you dont want by leveling with them that you are gay/bi which ever it is, and tell him you are breaking up as his girlfriend but will consider still remaining friends and roommates. See if that flies and all are okay with it, if so, there's one less stress.
Or forget about taking the 3 on as roommates and advertise now at the college you plan to attend to find students going there who also are looking for roommates.
Hope all works out well for you.
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