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What do men think about conversations?
Hi men,
I would like to improve my relationship with my brother and father, so i want to understand them. My questions are for all men older than 20:
1. What do you think about having conversations with your mom, sister, daughter, or girlfriend/wife?
2. Can conversation help in solving problems in relationships or not?
3. If yes, how should a woman approach her male family member if they have a problem, or if he did something wrong?
4. How can he know what's wrong and how to solve it if she doesn't tell him how it affected her?
Thanks in advance.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
My screen doesn't show that anyone answered you yet so since no ones written back, I will try to help. I am not a man, but i prefer men for friends over women and so I believe I have a good memory of what men in general have said or feel about conversation.
I have found that men who like to communicate versus those who are quiet and rarely talk or want to hear you talk, is more a matter of personality type, same as it is with females. There are people who enjoy chatter and those who don't, where a talkative person, they try to avoid. I dont know your Dads or brothers personality type but I do know that at least 75% or more of people tend to be the friendly, outgoing, and talkative types who appreciate conversation.
Males like to feel needed. That's one way they feel appreciated also so if you need help with something from Dad or brother, open up and talk to them about it, same as you're doing, writing here, you will get a few different viewpoints of how to look differently at your situation.
Since no one is a mind reader, it is important to talk to people. I assume you have no problem talking to females? Men like women go about conversating just as we do. It's just that some may have no interest in the topic she brings up like having got her nails or hair done different, their birth stories for the older set, etc...
No matter if the conversation is about common every day stuff or something of a negative or problematic nature, men appreaciate women who willingly converse as its a way to gather information, know when help is needed, informed enough to know if their support, or compliments and such are needed. If you say nothing, they won't know and that is one of the pet peeves of guys, either fluff talk that is totally meaningless from a female, or when crucial information is needed to pass, she says nothing and clams up claiming everythings fine when it really isn't in her mind. Remember, guys converse for the same reasons as you converse or your girlfriends. If gal you can't stand at school calls and wants to chat an hour, wouldn't you groan at the prospects? Why, you and her personalitys don't mix, so its a chore to listen to her. Well males are no different. There are certain personality types of people they don't prefer to interact with but will be polite and give you their time and attention. My own husband groans when his Dad or sister contact him. And the next for a couple other people in his past. But he is polite and will truly listen and if his vocal support is needed, has spent a couple hrs helping them see a situation clearly so they don't freak out over a distant family members issue that came up.
Does conversation help in solving problems in a relationship? I know you're thinking more of either male family or with a boyfriend/husband but there are all sorts of relationships: how you relate to other students, teachers, a boss or co coworkers, neighbors, friends, family and a sweetie. It doesnt matter what sex the person is, they have a need to converse with people to give instructions, teach, give advise, support and build up a person, compliment, bring up issues that need to be brought into awareness and then dealt with properly. Yes, conversation helps relationships. When a teacher asks if you understood what she just said and you say yes when you don't, you're not allowing her to help you with more words, more spoken to help explain to you. Conversation is crucial to your learning there. If a girlfriend is mad at you and not taking your calls and won't talk to you, how will you know if its truly something you did or not or if shes just being moody? If you keep silent or aren't successful in having a talk with her, will you two be able to start talking again right away? No.
The idea with how to approach people when wanting to discuss an issue or a problem with involves them, is to be gentle and use the right phrasing with words. This applies the same to males as it does females. This is more about being good at conversing with other humans period! It doesn't mean anything different what the sex of the person is, people will turn off and screen you out if it seems you doing nothing but insinuating they are to blame or using language that makes them feel that way whether it was your intention or not.
Another thing guys don't like or understand is when a female moans to them about her problem and they assume she wants him to help advise her. However when they give advice the female tells them she doesnt want to hear that. Many females just want some one to listen to them bitch, but don't want their help...they just want a listening ear. It would be best if this is the case that you tell Dad or bro that you need to get something off your chest and just want someone to listen to you but not give you their ideas of a solution. At least the guy then knows you only need his listening ear but not advice and they'll be plenty happy enough to oblige. Guys just tend to naturally be more practical and logical by nature than women although women can be too. So all they know is spot a problem/fix it. Not discussing it for hours at length which does nothing to fix it. IT's one of those things men are never going to get about females. I have learned to be direct with men. Tell them what I am thinking or feeling. No beating around the bush. I explain exacting what I need them to do for me, whether just listen to me explain my days adventures or if I have an issue I need his help to resolve. I remember a day at lunch when a German coworker brought in a jar of saurkraut which was to be her lunch. None of us could open it. Even tried the tapping technique. I finally told her to just go ask Gary in the cubicle closest to the lunchroom is he didn't mind opening the jar for her. She wouldn't do it. Couldn't even at late 40's, approach a man to commumicate that she required his help. I said, Oh for heavens sake, give me that jar. I went straight to Gary and told him Sue couldn't open this jar which was her lunch, could he please do it? He grabbed the jar, saw the label and made a face, hesitating. I remember telling him jokingly, gary, All we need is the lid loosened, I promise to not make you smell it. And I laughed. He opened it, and said something back. Deed done. If I had stood there in his cubicle holding this jar, saying nothing, he might have guessed I needed help but probably would have asked to be sure.
Your last question is an answer in itself, You are correct. Whether it was Mom who said something hurtful to you for example, or Dad, if you do not let someone know how what they said affected you, they can not know how to change their behavior.
Now here's the trick with such a conversation, people become very bristly when someone tells their story and says when you said or did such and such, you made me feel worthless and very sad and depressed. No one can make a person decide how to respond to something they here. People reactly differently to things and it is unfair to place the blame on them. But it is okay to tell them in a way that they are not told they were the problem but they realize that it is a problem in that it affects you adversely. And a person will be much more cooperative to apologize and change their behavior as long as we're talking people who have rational healthy minds and are not under the influence or drugs or alcohol. In those cases, not rational talk with work. They need professional care and there's nothing you can do to improve conversing with them. I should know, my ex husband had mental issues.
So instead you would tell Dad or bro. "I know you probably didn't mean it, but when you said this and did that, I felt worthless, etc. (don't use: you made me feel worthless.) which points to them as being at fault. If it was unintentional, a good male will apologize and want to help remedy things, remember they like to fix problems, and you're doing nothing more but letting them know of a problem. no matter the fact that they are part of it. Logically, the way a male will see it, if you have an issue with them, and let it go by without bringing it up and later want to blame them for you needing to go to a counselor or see a Dr. about depression, they will feel you are totally out or order for blaming them for your fragile mental state after months or years of never telling them. It is totally unfair if you have an issue not to communicate it. What if you began to build up resentment towards a person and yet you never said a peep to them. They'd have a right to be angry and frustrated with you for not saying something sooner. In saying nothing, you continue to perpetuate your problem and that is a dumb thing to do no matter if its a guy or a gal who isn't communicating.
I hope this has given you what you need.
By how you phrased things, it seems you wonder if a male member of your family is even going to be receptive if you come to them with an issue. Most issues can be resolved.
If it's something different like lets a short fuse to anger where they hit or throw thing meant to hit you, they have an anger issue and that needs being reported to police as battery or assault and talking to the party is not going to solve things as their problems are way beyond what conversation can help.
The same goes for if its rape.
Let me know if you have more questions by going to my column to write me from there.
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