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How can I help my boyfriend control his anger. To me and around me.
I am a female age 24, my Fiancé and I have been together about two years and some times it feels like we couldn't be farther apart. He has been married two time and divorced, been to prison, and went all over the US. I have never been married, have no children, no debt besides my college loand, I am a parttime student, and have only had one serious relationship that lasted for four years outside of my current relationship .I have known him for six years and never known him to be abusive. The only incident I have ever been told about was him pushing his ex against the bed and locking her in to keep her from hitting him. He is a decent man but like all men he has his flaws. One of which happens to be an anger problem. He is on bipolar medication for the anger and fluctuating mood swings. He did this for us and himself because I told him I would have to leave if not. However sometimes we can not afford his medication and when this happens he reverts back to an ass. When he is off and twice when he started his medication he would get really angry and he ends up throwing things, breaking chairs, punching wholes in the wall, or trying to keep me from leaving or he thinks I am going to lock him out of the house. I have never given him any reason to believe this but one of his ex's had done this to him previously. This man has hurt me in the process twice now and I don't know what to do. He is worth saving and I want this to work. He is good to me but has never been in a normal relationship because of the type of women he has been with. We argue because he makes some of the dumbest decisions I have ever seen a person make and because he lacks responsibility. He has changed so much in two years its unbelievable even to me he has held down a steady job and we were able to get his license back, he has gotten a divorce and is currently trying to get custody of his daughter to get her out of a neglectful home with her mother. I have helped him with all of this but it seems we never get a break now is first wife is going after him and he has not seen or been around this child but for maybe a month since she was born. Her mother's choice not his. I know he is a good man and worth saving because I have seen how much he has tried to change and stay changed for the better. The problem is he has been in prison most of his life for stupid child hood decisions to sell drugs to have money because of the life he was raised in. The bigger problem is that we couldn't afford his medication this last month and we are stuggling to keep even the basic bills paid. Tonight he hurt me which he has only done one other time. He threw me against the wall. I am not afraid of this man because I know I can defend myself if needed but this caught me off gaurd. The other times it was just objects but the last time he bruised my wrist because he didn't want me to leave and I put him in his place. His first instinct is anger and I don't know how to break him of this habit. He had a brian aneurysm burst in his head when he was younger, his family all have anger issues, and he had to be tough to survive at a young age in prison. I want to help this man because I love him but I don't know if he will ever get this under control. Does anyone know of any free help in middle TN for this there is no way with all of the child support and me out of work that we can pay for an expensive counselor. Is this a normal amount of anger for a man in this position and can I save him? He means the world to me and his daughter calls me mommy and has since the first day we started getting her she is like my own. My family has accepted him and his little girl. They all love her and have done anything they could to help us out. She needs her father because he is the only person out there that can help her. I have to help him so that he can help her. I don't want to leave him because I love him and this little girl more than I can explain. This is my family but I will not stay with a man that abuses or hits me I can't my mother went through it and his father and mother where the same. I have always been taught to stick up for myself and never let a man put his hands on me in an ill fashion but this is uncharted water for me. I feel like our relationship has been very onesided in areas but great in others. After all of the problems we are hardly ever together sexually any more, he has trouble simply loving on me, and he is a bit of a beginner in the bedroom even though he has been married. We got engaged in December. I love him and I know he can be a great man I have seen it, how much he has changed, and how willing he is to get help. I just don't know what else to try. Please help if you can.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
You should just sit him down and talk with him. If he loves you, he'll truly listen and understand. Tell him what you want out of the relationship and what you don't want out of the relationship and if he cant accept that, maybe you should cut him loose. Everyone has problems and everyone can be helped but if you think that you are in any kind of danger, you should just back off and distance yourself form him because your situation could also cause other people harm. Take some time to think about you final decisions before you make them because some decisions can lead to bad results. I wish you the best and just do what you think is right.
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If medication is the answer, you both have to try more agencys, meet with social workers, find what health care he qualifies for where he can get the medication he needs, lack of funds is not an excuse to not take in his case. If it truly transformed him as you say, then not taking it is not an option. You both need to be level with social workers as to how important this is, it helps him hold down a job and that he has a daughter he's trying to get custody of. If he has a tendency to be abusive when off meds, then he won't be able to get his daughter. How will a judge decide if one parent is neglectful and the other has been violent, yes violent when not on meds, then it's like a judge trying to choose between the lesser of two evils and neither parent is a good place for the little girl. He needs the meds and you've both got to try to find a way to make it affordable for you both.
I've not yet heard of medication that is successful in controlling a Bi polar person or one with anger issues or a violent person. Maybe there is. I do see more relationships where one has a mental disability, Bi polar, narcissist, controller, etc... and the relationships do not last, they break up. My ex is going through girlfriends cus he's emotionally incapable of treating them well and not capable of loving a person. After 30 yrs of verbal abuse with him and starting on the physical abuse at the end, I'd had enough, He never got better, just worse...and yet, as you say with your guy, there were so many nice things about him as a person. I understand that, as I've lived it but even though I stood up to him in the early years and tried using logic on him, I found out the hard way, it doesnt work and he felt bad after hurting me, apologized, kissed and made up and the cycle of abusive behavior repeated. I had such hopes and dream when I married at age 20. And I had the strength to try to help him, and I also had faith in God. But none of that could change him into a type of person who would do well in a relationship. A relationship should be a sharing of responsibility, not one doing it all, and even more, it takes two people putting in equal effort to the relationship for it to work. And yes, such a person can be inept in the sexual department...thats how it was for me. I never got loved on, as you put it, he only took care of his needs when it got to that point for him and it didnt often, low low libido. I was young and cocky and sure I could make a difference in his life. And you know, maybe with some people I probably could have, but when it's the type of person you describe...there is no improving the person EVER to the point that being in a relationship with a partner is possible. I talked with a psychologist that my ex got late in life and the man saw me privately to answer some of my questions without upsetting the ex. I wanted to know if someone like him could possibly change for the better. I was told that yes, while it's possible he might make some changes, that there is no given guideline of how fast it can happen or how big those changes could be. bUT from his experience in working with patients, he's never seen anyone make any significant improvement in their lifetime and some may finally by old age have improved slighting in one area. Some never improve at all, that's the nature of mental illness. You and your guy on the other hand come from abusive holdholds, where that is all that is seen while growing up during the formitive years and will have a BIG impact on how he see's things in life, especially if there is some sort of mental disability there. So in ways, he has it worse than my ex. At least mine grew up with loving caring parents and they have a good marriage. All of their sons though, have ranged with suffering from severe depression to exhibiting schizophrenic similarities, and then my ex, with being more the abusive controller type. I know there's probably no scientific report on it, but I believe two normal people may not be the best genetic matches for having children together and they all come out with some problems. Then again, if mental illness is in a parent, I believe it can be passed on. I am starting to see an obvious problem with my oldest, and the other two each have one of the symptoms now but it's only noticeable be me, having had who I married for their father. It could get worse as they get older, i Hope not.
I can not really help you, just point out how hopeless this situation is. You may be able to hang in there for some time but eventually the stress will get to you and when it does, you are affected either mentally/emotionally or physically, and some times both. I kept my sanity but the marriage too: a vision from God that I had to leave him in 4 yrs time or I would physically die from heart-attack or cancer, the other was asking myself if I could handle this situation longer than the week by week, month by month focus. We all can push ourself through some really hard crap in life and stick with it, but when I asked myself if I could take it for another ten years or until the end of my life without a change, everything just the same as currently, I broke down and cried. I didn't deep down want to do that any more. I am now remarried and have a wonderful husband. Sorry this was so long but it needed to be said. I recommend you get counseling for having grown up in a physically/verbally abusive home. Despite the fact you feel you are normal and in control of yourself, you won't really know what strange things you have been doing and saying to help yourself cope growing up and now while with this guy. I got counseling after 30 yr married to an abusive man, and I was surprised to have my counselor pointing out all sorts of coping mechanisms I was still using because I had needed to, things that don't help in the real world with normal people in relating to them, and my way of thinking and what I said to others, was also following copying mechanisms and I had to learn to break those. I suggest you go get a professional for yourself and after you've seen them and let them know of your current relationship, you will have a better idea of what you are up against and if it is worth taking the time in your life to stay on your current path.
Good luck and blessings to you.
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