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Troubled Young Step mom.
F/21
My fiance and I have been together 3 years. His daughter is 4 and I have helped raise her. He has split custody with mom. I understand as a "step mom" I really can't have an opinion on any of their matters and try to stay out of the fire. I text mom if we are coordinating pick up or drop off, we talk when we are all at events for their daughter or simply having a meeting for schedules. I find myself to be civil and don't think their is anything wrong with keeping our relationship as that. I don't want to be friends with her. She takes this as me hating her and tells me I think of her as a witch and hate her because I won't get to know her and base my opinions of her off gossip. She texts me every few weeks demanding a meeting. We have never had a one on one but my fiance and I never felt the need. We know each other on a co-parent basis and not as friends. She demands we be more and tries to strong arm me into things. She says she just want to be friends and start with a clean slate but I find that easier said than done. She yells at me and freaks out if I don't say yes to a lunch date. I tried to explain it scares me and makes me uncomfortable to meet her when every time I don't agree with her she yells. She doesn't understand and looks at as me trying to undermine her as the mom. She slammed me on Facebook saying I think of her daughter as my own and label myself a step mom when I'm not. Bashed me to a mother group blaming me for some relationship issue with her now x. The thing is I have reached my hand out to her and she acts as if I am some stranger and says she needs to meet me so she can judge my character, but says it has to be a one on one with no one else there. And I am backed into the corner on it. I feel like I can't get away. She wants so desperately for us to be friends we tried before and she ended up using everything I said and turning it around into bad things. Should I agree to a one on one? Do I HAVE to do this? What should I say? How do I keep the upper hand so she can't walk on me? I'm seriously at a loss. She is so angry towards me everything I say she interprets as an insult because she is a victim. I am in desperate need for advice on how to deal with this type of person. What boundaries should I set for our relationship? What is okay to say/do in this situation. I don't want to mess up and jeopardize my relationship with my fiance or step daughter.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
My best advice is as follows:
1) You and your fiancé need to sit down and discuss the relationship that you will have with his daughter. Since he is co=parenting you too will be a parent when she is in your home. What would he expect of you as a parent, in other words do you have full parental authority or a limited authority when she is with you. If he asks why? That brings you to #2,
2. If your fiancé is not aware of the situation between you and his daughters mother then you must make him aware of it. Then discuss your feelings with him and I'm confident he will agree with you that you do not need to be her friend.
As to her judging your character this one is a slippery slope. It could be just what it means it could be she is looking for grounds to modify custody. Make sure your fiancé is aware of the exact words she used when communicating this to you. It is not her place to judge your character that is your fiancé's place but could become a custody issue if she makes it one. Not wanting to be a friend or inject yourself between her and you soon to be husband is not a character fault. Wanting to be a good parent to her daughter as she and her father wishes you too is a positive objective on your part.
3. Once you and your fiancé are on the same page as to his ex and what he would like your relationship to be with her. Then sit down and write her a letter; do not text. I would say it should go something like the following.
Dear___,
(Insert name of fiancé) and I have discussed at length the relationship we feel is best that I have with you and your daughter. The facts are that I am going to be her stepmother and she will be spending time with me in our home.
I feel it is important that there be continuity between our homes in how she is being raised. When she is with us it should not be like she is suddenly on holiday. What happens in your house I want to continue in ours.
I know it is not possible for you to write everything down as to how things are done in your home. What you can do is give me the bullet points of the normal things and when the abnormal occurs I can communicate with you as to how you would handle it or wish it to be handled especially if her father is not home to at the time.
Things that I feel are important that I know are things such as doctors, bedtimes, church clothes VS play clothes. What foods she is allowed, not allowed. and favorites. Allergies are important to know, do we need to carry epie pens. When she starts school homework assignments that need to be completed. In other words coming to our home should not be a holiday but what it is a visit with her father.
In other circumstances it is possible we could be friends. Given the circumstances we have I think it best that we keep our relationship to what it is. You're the mother of my fiancé daughter and I'm going to be her step mom. We should limit our communication to what is in the best interest of the child.
Right now that is the relationship I am comfortable with. In the future who knows things could change. For now please stop trying to change what is and stop trying to set up one on one meetings for I will not meet with you in that manner. My interest in communicating with you for now is strictly what is in the best interest of your daughter.
Of course use your own words though I believe that is what you need to say.
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