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Hurting my Mother's Feelings
Hi! I'm a transgender teen (female to make) I haven't come out or anything yet but I know I'll have to. I asked another question in regards to coming out a few days ago, but this is a whole different topic. I'll obvioudly have to pick a name when I transition. I've been considering Gabe, Ben, and Lance. But I feel SO guilty changing my name because my mother always talks about how ever since she was little she's always wanted a girl named Laura Grace and that's why she gave me, her firstborn daughter, that name. She always talks about how I "have the best name out of the bunch" ("the bunch" being my 5 other siblings). She's so proud of my name because it's a mix of her favorite boom character (Laura) and the grandmother who she always looked up to (Grace). She loves my name. Everytime I consider bringing up the subject of being caked something else, I feel a crushing guilt about how much my mother loves my name. How do I change my name in the future without crushing her? She has no idea that Im transgender and im afraid to take her daughter away.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
If confused and not totally sure, then talking to a professional is good advice. At some point in the future, you will need to see Dr.s and psychologists to go through with transitioning to a male. Drs don't take this lightly and will rather tend to wait to make sure that you know you are sure.
As a mother, I do understand how I might feel if one of my daughters decided tomorrow to tell me they were transgender and just had never told me and there were no clues as she kept it very hidden. Of course I'd be shocked and yes, I think I might grieve the loss of not the child but the image I had of my child. Two of my kids have already taken on name changes (non legal) but names they go by now and no one but family knows them by the name I chose. I do whole heartedly want my daughters to be happy. And their happiness comes before mine. I work hard to remember to use their chosen names when introducing myself and telling people who my daughter is as when I use her real name, people look confused as they dont know anyone by that name. Your mom is likely going to need the support of other moms of transgender kids, who are going through the same or already have worked through it for those are the only people who can really understand the best, and you may want to find the support in an online transgender support site yourself. I put in a search for 'transgender support systems' and got a lot of hits. Here's one that you might try, ask others how they told their parents.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
The name change deal may not be as difficult as you are imagining ahead of time. Once Mom is over the initial shock and working at coming to grips with it now, that gives her some time until you do the actual transition to get used to the fact that Laura Grace won't work anymore. Perhaps involving her in the renaming process may help her. If you can come up with enough names that are likeable to you, any will do, present it to Mom to choose your new first and middle name from. It is a nice gesture that will hopefully touch her heart and make the change easier for her.
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I may have answered your last question. If I did I gave you some resources to call for help with your problem. These resources are still good for todays question and what I am about to ask you.
In your last question you mention you are 14 which puts you in the early stages of puberty and sexual awareness. Transgender is todays hot button of sexuality but it is not something you wake up one morning and say you are. Just lie being Gay or Lesbian being transgender is how you were born and you would have known this a long time ago.
You may not have known the word when you were say 4 or 5 but you would have known at that time that you were not like other little girls that you identified more with little boys. You would have been confused and most likely not have been able to express this to your parents. You would have been uncomfortable wearing dresses and fought with mom to wear pants.
Based on what you have written today and your last question my concern is you are confused on your sexual identity possibly a bit scared to be a girl sexually and not having any lesbian feeling you have settled on todays hot button, "Transgender".
"I'm not a psychologist and I could be wrong. I have been answer question on the website for a long time and my instincts tell me I may be right. About 85% to 90% of the time I am right based on the feed back I do get.
IF I am correct there is nothing wrong with being 14 and confused about your sexual identity. In todays world you are forced to identify with many things long before you need to. Knowing who you are sexually is something you need time to identify and grow into especially if you have nothing in your past to tell you that you are gay or lesbian or in the wrong body. You still have to learn to identify with your sexuality. Just knowing that physically you are a man or a woman and that you identify with your physical self does not mean you automatically know who you are sexually.
What I recommend is you first make sure you are truly Transgender and not sexually confused as I suspect you may be. To do this requires some courage on your part to ask you parents to allow you to see a psychologist who can help you sort this out. If you are truly transgender at some point if you wish to transgender you are going to need to see a psychologist anyway before you can have the surgery.
Once you are absolutely sure you are transgender and if you still need help with today's question. Contact the resources I have given you. They are far more qualified to help you with these questions then we are. You would not be the first person to have these problems and they will be able to offer suggestions.
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