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re: thanks for the advice again.
So as you adviced, I would like to provide you more information so that you can guide me properly. As you said she will be mature within a decade or so but she's already 30. You are right she was irresponsible that's why she ended up sleeping with a committed black guy and obviously the excuse is I was drunk and I was younge. When she got pregnant she was 19 and the guy was 24 years old. She also list her virginity at 13. She said she only had 2 boyfriends one for few weeks and the other one when she was 18 for six months. She ended having sex with married guys and married businessman. There are other incidents also which are bit complicated to expbsin that's why I asked you for your email address but anyways my concern is she loves me which I can tell and I love her too but the thing bugging me is that she's lieing to me and hiding things and I'm more worried about she cheat me cause if someone is from this kind of nature how much are the possibility that she will not end up sleeping with a co worker or some old fwb friends or neighbors? I'm still worried. Idk.
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You have good reason to be worried. An occurance once or twice until a person gets it right and stops doing something undesireable or morally wrong is understandable. Humans make mistakes and sometimes several times before they improve their character IF they are in the mode of really wanting to improve. With what you have said of this gal, having sex with married men, that shows a long standing history of this behavior and is basically showing her true character. What you are seeing is who she is at core, deep within. All of us have characters made up deep within of certain values, morals, beliefs, etc which is like the rudder in a boat, determining where it will go. Same with people, that which lies within them of things like morals and values are the rudder that determines the outcomes of what they do and their choices in life. It's not like a person getting a bum deal and being born with these undesirable virtues at core, some may be shaped by what we see in family growing up but for the most part, we choose our own virtues at core. since she started at 13, it could be she is addicted to sex and can't get enough. It's a real addiction and Drs call it Hypersexuality. Here's a link describing what it is and what may lie behind it. Scary part is there were a couple referances to mental disorders, bi polar, OCD...
So, unless she see's what she is doing as an addiction as well as not morally right to do, she will not change as the desire to change must come from within and in our lifetimes, humans rarely change much for the improvement if at all as change is scary for all of us. We tend to make small changes, but nothing on a grand scale as this girl needs.
If she's only had 2 boyfriends in her 30 yrs, but countless lovers, it's easy to see what traps her attention and desire.
You say what is really bugging you is her lying. Thats the only thing. I think you may be lacking some perspective and should be worried about "how" she loves you. When you say you know she loves you...that may well be true. But the kind of love that makes a person "IN LOVE" with one person to the point of being inseperable, is not the same kind of love many people are talking about regarding their partner. I love pizza. But I am not going to 'marry' pizza. Pizza takes care of a need (for nourishment) and desire (for a particular tasting food) in me. People use the word love to describe things they like for some reason, personal taste and there is a lack of depth to that kind of love. For example, I lived 2 yrs in a remote community where there was no pizza places let alone fast food places, just one family run restaurant with 'no pizza'. As much as I love pizza, I didn't get any for two years but I wasn't miserable, feeling unable to go on because the pizza I love isn't there. Let me push the point further if you're not getting my drift.
Personal example: First marriage was 30 yrs before I left. He said he was sorry but he did the same things over and over, verbal abuse. It took its toll on me physically instead of mentally. I still had my self esteem but suffered headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, etc. At the end, after a really bad experience in which he also verbally hurt our close friends, one being a former counselor, the guy asked my husband if he was in love with me. Hubby tried to direct attention away from himself by complaining about my 'horrible traits' that no one could possibly love (all made up) When asked again, he knew he had to give an answer and said he loved me for being the mother of his children. Another dodge. When asked a 3rd time, he finally admitted, I have never been IN LOVE with her. First thought I had was, well that explains a lot of things about his behavior and how he treated me.
So if you are willing to settle for less, meaning someone who loves you no stronger than a favorite flavor of icecream, and you are not a top priority in her life, all her lovers are instead, then go for it. If you want a woman who can love you for who you are, have no interest in any other man, who is IN LOVE with you, I highly doubt she is it. When a person with problems realize it may soon become obvious to others that there is something really wrong with them that makes it imperative they seek professional mental help, they try to hide it, trying to either take focus off themselves by putting at others problems or build a facade to hide behind in hopes it makes them look more normal, and that would include using you as a front, 'see,
I have a boyfriend so I am as normal as the next girl. I don't run around with married men." If she truly IS doing this, it may not be a conscious plan, it can very easily be her subconscious mind doing this and often is with people who have some kind of addiction or mental illness. Think hard about this love you believe you feel for her. There may be some things about her you like. If you had to write me a list of all the things you need and want in a woman, I'll bet there are a lot of things she's doing that would not be on that list. On a list of lets say 8 to 10 most important qualities in finding the kind of woman you can be in love with for the rest of your life, does she meet 2 or 3 of them? Maybe she actually meets 5 or 6, Cool. But anything less than your 8 or 10 is NOT a match.
I teach this to females who write me to make a list of needs and wants. Needs are a deal breaker is she doesnt meet it. A good example from my life, when my angels told me to make a list to aid in finding my 2nd husband, I realized from being sexually mismatched the first marriage, that I wanted someone whose libido matched mine and other sexual likes are the same. If he couldnt meet that and want only me, he was out.
I wanted someone okay with a free spirit as far as spirituality...being on my own path after christianity (sorry if I offend you on this-just my example) and met a few Christians who said they wanted to date me, so the first thing I made sure to mention is what some of the points on my list were, including this one. They moved away from me quickly as if I were a rattlesnake and called me a heathen. Hahaha. I actually found it funny. But it wouldn't have been funny if I had dated him a month and started falling for him only to find we were a terrible mismatch spiritually with a situation in which there was no compromise.
Another such thing is if the man never wants children and the woman does, there is no compromise. So think long and hard about what you are really looking for in a female to have long term in your life. Feelings will develop after a while even in the most imperfect or even abusive relationship. And we choose to not break up because we hear the heart ache of the process of breaking up when that is a temporary thing that will fade in time, and choose instead to stay in a situation that will deliver in our lifetime way more hurt and pain than a mere break up will.
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