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No where to go
Hi. I am a first year graduate student trying to get my masters degree in psychology and I recently moved in with my boyfriend of a year. Last semester was hell. I had so much work to do and I was so stressed. The classes were so hard I would sit there listening to the professor as intensely as I could and still have no idea what he was saying. Many times I would have to leave the class because I was crying. This all caused me great anxiety. I was crying all the time, feeling sick to my stomach in the morning because of the nerves, and actually pulling my hair out. And to make matters worse my boyfriend and I were constantly fighting. He has anger issues and tends to take out his anger on me. He doesn't really mean to do it, he can't really control it. And afterwards he feels bad about it and apologizes and I know he doesn't mean it. But it still takes a pretty big toll on me. I have been recently thinking about moving back home, just to be able to concentrate more on school. However, I don't think I would have the time to keep up a relationship with my boyfriend if I moved back home due to the distance and all the time I would be spending on school work.
I don't know what to do. I've been falling out of love with my boyfriend. He is awkward and rude around my friends, he does not do much to help me around the house and makes constant messes, but I just don't know how I'd feel if he wasn't there. I'm afraid that I will dump him thinking I will be happier and be able to concentrate on my work, but I'm afraid that the heartbreak will be even worse than how he makes me feel... But all I know right now is that I am unhappy. I need to go see my doctor to up my anxiety meds I know that, but I just want to go home where my family can take care of me. It's a great atmosphere there they always make me happy. Here with my boyfriend I am rarely happy. I dont know what to do. As I write this I'm sitting here crying, barely able to see, my mom is blowing up my phone calling me asking why I'm not answering her calls, shes worried, my boyfriend won't stop texting me, I told him I wanted to go home. And I need to leave for work soon. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Sometime needs to change. I really wanna go home but I dont want to physically move out and break my boyfriends heart...ughhhh please help :(
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
In a nut shell, the other advice giver gave you the basics on what to do. Obviously, you already know all your issues and troubles are because of him, you listed plenty. My ex husband was all that AND verbally abusive.
So I understand the falling out of love part...it happened to me. I loved him at first but when love is not returned and you are treated worse than a stranger by him, that slowly eats away at any love there is until none is left. I married at 20 and stayed 30 yrs because of my religious beliefs at the time, the church frowned on divorce and said we must trust God to heal the relationship. It took about 28 yrs before God could get thru to me saying He gave everyone a free will, even if they chose to be negative and treat others negatively. So I couldn't expect anything to change. That meant, I had to be okay with living the next 30 yrs of my life with him with things no better than they were, likely even worse. That is what made me leave. As bad as it was, as hellish as it was to get thru another day, week or month, it was something I could push myself to do, which is where you are at. But if you ask yourself if you are okay with the same old stuff from him for decades, how would you feel? I can share how i felt, I became terrified, crying, feeling hopeless, feeling beaten, all joy in life squashed. So if we have no power to change the person mistreating us, that's right, we cant change others, then what can we change? You said something needs to change.
Here's the answer, you can change, mainly your mindset and how you view this. Right now you don't like it but for some reason are willing to put up with it. If your reasons, if any, for staying can be examined with logical thought processes to expose those that truly dont hold any water and dont apply to you, then all you're left with is answering, "Do I love myself enough to not want to continue choosing to subject myself to treatment that is so negative?" I thought I loved myself but when faced with that question and no other reason for staying with him, I realized I had lied to myself, I wasnt treating myself in a loving manner by staying in such a bad situation.
I will confess something more. I tend to be able to hear from God in prayer, pretty clearly at times and was told that if I did not leave within the next 4 years, that I would die from the stress. Stress is one of the biggest factors that bring on a disease that then kills a person. Stress takes time to get to disease stage but you get a whole cartful of medical problems before then so keep in mind, your life vitality and future just may be at stake here and so your mom/parents have good reason to be worried about you. iF you have the kind of mom who can be a listening ear without condemning you for your choices so far, then consider telling her and crying on her shoulder. But you cannot borrow strength/ or a spine to do the thing you feel is most likely needed, having to leave him. You need to find that strength in yourself alone to do so. If you know that now, going to Disneyworld with him only to break up right after looks bad. You'd have to decide to do so now. You are wasting your time at college being as stressed as you are. Basically sounds like you haven't gotten any where.
I am going to share my thoughts on what you say right here: "I just don't know how I'd feel if he wasn't there. I'm afraid that I will dump him thinking I will be happier and be able to concentrate on my work, but I'm afraid that the heartbreak will be even worse than how he makes me feel..."
This is fear of the unknown speaking, fear of change even if the change is for the better. Humans dont like taking what is their daily life and making a drastic change, its scary. But don't let that fear keep you from a change that is for the better for you. If he wasn't there, you'd feel less stressed...that's how you'd feel. Afraid the reason for dumping him might be your thinking that you'll be happier and be able to concentrate on my work. Why be afraid of the truth, of course you'll be happier and the lack of stress will mean you can concentrate better. At its worst peaks, the stress from living with my ex made me forgetful and lose concentration. I even left my car keys in the ignition with all doors unlocked once when most stressed.
And finally, afraid of heart break? Are you being truthful with yourself or lying to yourself? From what you have been writing, falling out of love, etc... you have already had your heart broken. How much more broken do you think it can get??
The only things that can break down now is your mental health or physical health. A broken heart can mend, a broken down body often does not.
I am guessing you are normally a sweet loving person, very trusting of others, maybe a wee bit gullible, you wear your heart on your sleeve...meaning you are a touchy feely type of person, in touch with how you feel and also always concerned and careful to not do anything to offend or hurt others but then also find it difficult to speak up for what is right and to make a stand. This type of personality will always find it hard to do the right thing for theirself because of their concern for the other person, yours being that you moving out will break his heart. Maybe, and maybe that is just the thing to get him to go for help and want to become a better person to win you back someday. People need consequences to their actions that are difficult, hard, heart breaking before some people are prompted within to want to change for the better. the majority unfortunately never change or change enough to become good relationship partners. So he needs to know that this means you wont be able to see him and not going out of your way to do so. That again will put stress on you. think of it like taking a vacation away from him. People don't stop mid vacation to go back to their normal life and relationships and then go back to finish off vacation. Or call it a Sabbatical. It may be enough time away from him to unstress and get your mind straight so you can really see things clearly once you see him again.
Truly, a man who is for sure In Love with a woman, does not treat her as your boyfriend has been treating you. If a man in love with you hurts you unintentionally, just once, sees your hurt and tears, he will hurt inside for hurting you and make sure to never repeat the same thing again. People who are not whole in some way, won't be able to do this without getting intervention, either they are too immature and need to do some studying on relationships and grow up, or have emotional or mental issues for which they need to see a therapist before they even have a change of getting better.
Near the end of our marriage a friend of ours who used to be a counselor, asked my ex if he had ever been in love with me. He first complained about me. Once done, he was asked again and hedged by saying he loves me as the mother of his children. On 3rd try with the question, he finally confessed, he had never been in love with me. After almost 30 years??? Yup, a guy will get into relationship, dating, marriage with a girl that they are not in love with and I don't understand what they get out of it but you can be sure that the female gets Zero out of the relationship and is just fooling herself that life is better with the guy than without. I am remarried to the kind of guy who does not want to hurt me, rather to uphold and support me. We never fight or yell, its 6 yrs now and the love is there and keeps growing. I could kick myself for how long I stayed with the first guy. The only thing I could say is good from the first guy is the 3 daughters I have, and yet, i see in them problems they have in life due to the type of father they had. Though I love my kids, I feel worse for not finding a way to leave when they were little, thinking having a dad around was better. I can see now, it wasn't and each has their own emotional issues and problems with relationships.
Hope this helps you in being able to make a decision you know you can live with where you find joy in life again and do better in school. God Bless!
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I know it's hard when you don't want to hurt someone, but if you aren't happy and are falling out of love, then I think you should sit down and talk to your boyfriend about all of this and tell him how you feel, and see if he will get help with his anger and try to help out more and all that. If not, then you should move back and be happy because your happiness is important and you shouldn't make decisions regarding your life based around other people, and who knows, maybe your boyfriend might turn out to not be the one for you.
Hope this helps~
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