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I just want someone to understand.
I feel like there are a lot of things that I want to articulate but it is so much. I want people to understand my feelings and experiences so I can get the best advice. Well I guess I will start and say I was abandon as a child, I was mostly raised by my grandma. Unfortunately, I experienced some traumatic experiences. Fast forward to today I live with my mom and I know at times its been unhealthy. In addition, she does not want to acknowledge that she abandon me and she has expresses that she does not want to hear about the traumatic stories. Today, I am someone who still struggle with her self-esteem because I did not get that unconditional love from my mom. My mom has attack my personality and looks. I know I am a beautiful person inside and out but there are scars my mom has created with her criticisms. I am someone who aspires to be someone "BIG" but at times I think I am completely unrealistic. I try to figure how to better myself and maybe I can't to that until I get away from my mom. I love my mom, she is not all bad but I realize that she is not ready to acknowledge the things she has done and it upset me and sometimes I become angry. Right now, our relationship is better but I am still fragile from the things she has said and done. I have tried to talk to her several times but I am not heard. I know that she is not ready so I probably won't tell her how I feel until later on in life. So how do I begin to heal from the trauma (every time I think about it I cry and I become angry). How do I love myself (since my mom could not show love). How do I believe in myself when my mom never seemed to.
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It would be easier to answer your question if I knew your age. You say you were raised by your grandmother but now live with your mom. I would put your age at somewhere in your early teens to late teens; possibly over 18. Why is it important I know your age? The questions you while having much the same answer the way to help you or the mechanics of how to help you are different based on your age.
Lets start with the fact that we are all human and being human we do not like to admit our mistakes especially to our children. How important to you is it that your mother admit to you that she abandoned you? What is she telling why your grandmother raised you? Is there any sense to what she is telling you? An example would be something like; I was very young when I had you, maybe a teenager herself, and your grandmother took you from me. This would be something easily checked out as you know when you were born and all you need to do is look and see how old mom was when you were born. Birth certificates are public records you can look at hers if you wish to.
I ask this question for you did not give moms reason as to why your grandmother raised you or why you are now living with her. This is important information in order to help you.
The trauma of being abandoned can be very big and demeaning especially if constantly reminded by your grandmother. Now add to that the things your mother is saying to you. I can understand the self-esteem problems you have.
The problems with the help we can provide is it is a one way forum and you need a one on one forum with a professional who can work with you and ask the questions I have asked and others. Someone who can help you work through these issues and put them behind you and help you rebuild your self-esteem.
This person would be a licensed social worker or a psychologist. No you are not crazy. You have issues that need to be aired with someone who will keep your confidence. Someone who you can tell your deepest and darkest secrets to knowing they will never leave the room they are spoken in. Spoken to someone who is on your side to help you put your life back on track to where you want it to be. This is what licensed social workers and psychologists do.
This is what I am suggesting you do is find a social worker or a psychologist to help you. If you are under 21 you can call the help line I am providing below to speak with people who can help you and put you in touch with the very same people I am suggesting in your home town.
The help line is called Kids help Phone 1-800-668-6868. Give them a call.
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I took a class in college called personal growth. My teacher did talk a lot about things like this.
Your mom may never come around to the things she did and how she has hurt you. I think you need to move on from all of this, it will be hard.
Go to therapy. It's not for crazy people or anything, but it will help you deal with this because you won't be able to do it on your own.
How do you begin to heal from the trauma? Go to therapy. If you don't like the therapist, look for a different one. Find the right one for you.
How do you love yourself? Self love is important. It's not about who loves you. Parents are a big deal but you're older now and even though some really bad things happen, you can't blame your past anymore. Same with believing in yourself, you can't blame your mom for this anymore.
This was something my teacher talked a lot about.
First, you need to challenge your inner critic. It's all in your head. It's the voice in your head that says you're not good enough.
There's a term called the inner parent. It refers to the attitudes and beliefs we have about ourselves and others that are a direct result of things we learned from our parents. As we move through life, we tend to internalize messages we received from parents.
Anyways, you need to challenge your inner critic.
Being bombarded with harsh messages from parents can leave an impression on us, making it difficult to develop healthy self esteem.
One step is to notice things you do and avoid doing and ask yourself why. One example, suppose you avoided enrolling in a college class because long ago you categorized yourself as "not smart enough" You might tell yourself that you would never be able to pass the class, so why try? Instead of stopping at this obstacle, you challenge yourself. "Who says I'm too stupid? Even if my teachers have told me I'm too slow, is it really true? Why have I accepted this view of myself? Let me check it out and see for myself" Using this type of thinking, you'll begin to change your self perceptions.
So take care of yourself and learn to love yourself. Go to therapy and you'll see big changes.
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