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I'm getting tired
This question is about my mom. Everywhere I turn to ask for help with verbal abuse regarding a parent, I always get stuck because most places that deal with abuse deal with relationships and marriages. It is rare that at almost 24, I am still living with my family. But, please let me explain. I come from a very, very controlling family. I almost went away for college, but they begged me to stay. Since then, I have not had the money to move out. Everything is SO expensive. I know that people have advised me to get a roommate. But, it's a lot easier said than done. People don't just want to live with other random people. This is not a college dorm. I don't have any friends. And my family is pretty much the same as my mom. I think it would be appropriate for me to explain.
I am adopted. I was adopted when I was born, so this is my only family. But, I was adopted into a Hispanic family and I stick out like a soar thumb because I look very much American. My family has made it a POINT to talk about how much they hate white people. I feel extremely offended because it's like they don't see me for the person that I am. I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was 18. The reason was because my grandparents threatened my mom not to say anything. That's the way that everything works. Everything is threats and secrecy. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles all say that my mom is the way she is because "she wants the best for me." Read the following and tell me if you think that this is someone who wants the best for me.
For the entire time that I was in college, I was working my behind off in hopes that once I graduated,I would have all of my studies paid for and some money left over to put towards the down payment of a property. I also had a small savings so that when I get married, I could use, since my parents don't have a lot of money. I had to use ALL of that money because once I graduated college and took a look at my credit score, I found out that my mom had stolen my identity and used several credit cards in my name. I used my savings to pay it all off.
When I was 18 years old, my family was heavily involved in the occult. My mom took me to this warlock because she wanted me to get my ex-boyfriend back and left me alone with him in a room, where he raped me. I am since a born-again Christian and I have decided to remain pure in my relationships. Yet, my mom has A LOT of input when it comes to relationships. I will get into that later.
Throughout high school, I was bullied very severely by teachers. My mom had the option of taking me out of that school and putting me in another school. Yet, she chose to keep me there, bullied and tormented because she wanted to see me graduate in a white dress (we graduate from there in a white dress vs. traditional cap and gown).
I have made some wonderful friends, who I feel that been with me through thick and then. She has literally kicked them out of the house for NO REASON. She puts me down continuously. The other day, I told her that I had made some new friends at church and that I was very excited. She told me that I was wasting my time with boring people and that she didn't think that I should be hanging out with girls unless they are going to introduce me to a guy. In addition, she told me that she thinks I probably look like garbage next to all of those people. First of all, that isn't true. Second of all, it made me sad because I thought I looked so pretty to go to church that day. I was wearing a new dress with pantyhose and these beautiful wedges. I was actually so proud of how I put myself together. Then, she came and said, "it's not good enough." She is constantly telling that I'm not good enough, that I'm ugly, and making up some stuff about how I'm "not the same person" and how she wishes things could "go back." She is referring to when I was in high school. Well, I'm sorry, but they can't. They can't go back to when I was 16 because I'm 24 now. My priorities are different. She wants to keep me a baby forever. Let me also mention that she does not allow me to sleep in my own bed. If my grandmother sees me walking into my own room, she will be like "go back into your other room." There's no sense of privacy.
So, I have a boyfriend and we've been together for 3 years. My mom hates him. She decided to hate him when we were a year and a half into the relationship. By then, I had already fallen in love. She started threatening me to break up with him and I told her that I did. Since, I hid it on Facebook and I have met with him in secret. I have started to question the relationship because of her hatred towards him. Wondering if it will ever work out, if I can really have a wedding without my mom. She made me two profiles on match.com and christian mingle. In the attempt to cover up my relationship from her, I spoke with people (for show, this was in front of her) through the computer. What I discovered was that they were extremely creepy. Any doubts that I had about my boyfriend were cleared up pretty quick. Yet, there are things that make me question about the future. We don't have similar goals. But, I would like to explore this outside of my mother's influence.
The GREAT NEWS is that I will be moving next month! I am going back to school and will be moving about half an hour away. I think that this will make it easier to explore these questions outside of my family's influence. If this relationship is not going to work, I want to be the one to figure it out. Not my mom. It makes me so angry that at my age, I have to sneak around like a teenager. She just does't respect me as an adult.
My questions are the following
1) How do I deal with this? I love my mom. I don't hate her. I also forgive her. But, I can't just feel better from what she says, because she hasn't exactly apologized either. I just forgive her in my heart
2) How can I expect that she wants the best for me when she was so obsessed with my ex boyfriend that she took me to a rapist to get him back? That doesn't sound like someone in their right mind! That's why I question her judgement on my boyfriend. Because I think... how can I believe she wants the best for me/ What if he is the best for me? Who is she to decide, particularly with such a clouded judgement?
3) How can I tell her? I am deathly afraid to tell her! I have dreams that she finds us somewhere eating dinner and comes to choke me. Just to prove how afraid of I am. When she gets angry, she is violent. She throws things, says that she's going to kill herself, etc.
My dad is not so much in the picture. He helps financially when he can but won't go against her. My family is the SAME. Actually, my grandfather and uncle recently stole credit from my mom as well. It seems that this is the norm. People don't view others as individuals. They just view them as an extension of themselves. They think I am going to school because I don't love them. My mom even suggested that I don't go to school and stay home! I can't even live at home anymore while I go to school! They have no respect for when I am studying. I have no desk, I don't even have my own bedroom. Please provide any advice you may have.
God bless!
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Tell all of this to your Pastor or Priest. Perhaps they can as a church family come together with a solution for you, with a church member opening their home to give you a room. When my daughter turned 18 and wanted to be on her own, she asked at the church she attended, different one from ours and they found an older woman who could take her in. She couldn't afford to pay for her room but her desire to be out on her own was so great, no crisis at home, that her church found her a place.
Surely you could find some kind of support from the family of god, right?
What you have is some people in the family who are very dysfunctional and most likely have some sort of mental illness. I was in a verbally abusive 1st marriage and stayed 30 years before i gave up. I understand the part of loving these people who are your only family and being able to forgive them. You are stuck where I was. the church taught us to trust God to Heal our marriage. Well, that's what I believed until much later in life, God got through to me and said, Your husband has the same free will as you do. Just because someone does something contrary to God like ways, doesn't mean I will take away his will and make him changed instantly into a better person. You can love and forgive him but YOU also need to love yourself enough to not want to expose yourself to such treatment any longer. Once I realized I had a choice to think of my own welfare first, that when God warned me, If you do not leave this relationship within 4 yrs time, you will be dead from the stress. I left, but it took more convincing of me. the best scripture for me was when Jesus says, "Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself." I was thinking it was selfish to put my own welfare first. But if you really look at it, its saying you have to be able to love yourself first before being able to love your neighbor. And you can't pick and choose in what situations you'll put your welfare first and in what ones you don't. Its all or nothing when it comes to loving yourself. I am remarried and don't see the ex very often but when I do, there are no bad feelings and he treats me civilly.
So don't dwell on the crazy family drama, it seems they thrive on it and want you to remain involved in their drama, and abuse. It is not good for your health. The level of stress will eventually catch up with you...a slow process, not sick overnight. I didn't leave because I wanted out. I left because of what GOD said to me. So pray and see what he has for you. I am sure He never meant for you to put up with this until the day they get old and die. That's what you face if staying, more of the same with no end in sight. Go for help at your church dear.
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