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Am I being a selfish bitch in my relationship?
Hi,
I'm a 25 year old Female, who is having difficulties with my boyfriend. We haven't had an easy start to our relationship, and it's not good now as well. I met my boyfriend, who's 27, at my work. We flirted for about a year (I moved away and came back during that time period) and after a year I wanted something more serious. I told him I wanted to be with him and date, he said he just wanted to take it slow and see where it went. Meanwhile I overheard he was flirting with other girls at work as well. So, I didn't put much investment into him seeing that he wasn't ready. I met someone who did try to court me, and made me feel like he genuinely wanted to be with me. When my now boyfriend saw that, he then decided that he wanted to be with me. I stopped seeing the other fellow and dating my current boyfriend. If I told you all the ups and downs of our relationship I would be here all night. The gist of it is that, I haven't felt like he has ever put in that effort to date me, to make me feel special. I mean yes, he takes me to movies and dinners which is wonderful. But he doesn't put effort into making our relationship original or special. He is on his phone or iPad all the time when we are together. I feel incredibly bored, and I make a point to not be on my phone... But it comes to a point where I am so bored with the non communication that I give in. Recently I got a job in another city, I asked him to come with me. He was unsure about going for 6 months... As I looked for jobs, found apartments, planned the move. He was uninvolved for the process. And even to this day he had told me that he was unsure about moving until the day of... After we had signed the lease, and packed things up! So we have been here two months, and everything has gone wrong. I hate my job, I don't like the city we are in, and our relationship is as bad as ever. He said a week ago that he "made up his mind that he wants to be with me" and is trying. I guess he is but is buying flowers and trying to cuddle with me really trying. Sadly I feel like it is too late. I just feel exhausted with everything, especially our relationship. I feel numb. I told him that I don't think I feel romantically attached to him and that I don't think we should live together. He flips out on me and saying how I'm bailing (I guess I am in a sense) on him, and how he moved here for me. We've had these discussions for weeks now. He has a drinking issue, and tonight he came home drunk and proceeded to tell me how selfish I am and how I'm a "fucking bitch". Am I being a "selfish bitch" ? Should I put more effort in it, or when do you throw in the towel?
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Wow. This sounds like something I just went through.
My advice: GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW. Especially before you get married or end up pregnant with the man.
If he has a drinking issue, it's going to get worse. I learned the hard way.
The BEST decision I've made is to leave the man's sorry ass. Meanwhile, I'm back in my hometown, getting healthy, losing weight, lining up job interviews.
PLEASE GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD. IT'LL JUST DO YOU HARM.
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I cannot make a judgment based on what you have written. Especially given the fact that you hate your job. No relationship even a marriage can suffer if one party is totally wiped out after working at a job they hate.
Therefore my first suggestion is that as soon as the New Year starts you make a serious effort to find new employment. Even if this relationship doesn't workout you will have trouble in any relationship if you cannot rectify the problem at work or find a new job, one you are happier with.
If you hate your job and it is causing you anger, stress and yes physical pain such as headaches. Then it is very possible you are also suffering a mild form of depression. No you probably do not need to see a doctor for this unless there are other symptoms such as trouble sleeping, mood swings, loss of appetite and others. Then yes you might want to ask your family doctor to screen you for depression. It is normal for any of us to suffer from mild forms of depression when we are under a great deal of stress for any period of time. When the stress is removed the depression goes with it.
My next piece of advice for I do think that given the circumstances that a mild form of depression may be possible. Is that you sit down and talk with your boyfriend and call a truce bit. Put the world on hold. One of the bad things about depression is it is like putting on a pair of glasses that distort images. Nothing you see or hear is actually as it may really be. The depression how ever slight is distorting your persecution. Since perception is real whatever is happening you see it as real.
Once you fix the problem with work things will change and you will see things differently. IF you feel now that I have explained things that depression may be causing you more trouble then I see in what you have written. Then see your family doctor and ask to be screened for depression.
The screening is painless and is simply a matter of the doctor asking you a list of questions from which the doctor can make a diagnoses. If you do score a diagnoses of depression it does not mean antipsychotic medications are in order. IT may mean a mild tranquilizer is in order to help you deal with the stress. Your doctor will make the determination of what medication may be best when the physical that goes along with the screening is complete. The physical is done to rule out any organic reason for the way you feel.
No I do not think you are being a Bitch, you may be being a bit bitchy, there is a difference. If you are you have good reason for it none of which is either of your faults but may be more of an environmental problem stemming from your job.
I have given you a lot to think about. Hopefully you will be able to communicate with him. If need be you can have him write me a private message and I will try to inform him of what I have told you.
Start preparing for a job search and try to have a Happy Holiday.
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From what you said, it doesnt sound like you are selfish, just cautious and honestly wanting to make the best choice in a guy however without having a clue as to what the perfect guy for you might look like in looks and personality.
One hazard for not just relationships but even friendships with young people today is that many have grown up with technology and have their i phones or ipads and are so attached to them its like another apendage on their body, or it's like an addiction, same as smoking, drugs, gambling, drinking. It is an addiction when it interfere's with ability to work, do school, or with home life and ability to have some face to face time with their partner. You can't change that in him, nor can you change anything else. The desire to change must come from within him. Even if he did, I wonder if there is enough pheremones in common for a great chemistry connection between you. With all the false starts or lack of interest in the beginning for him, either he didn't know what he was looking for or is settling for less or the chemistry isn't what it should be between you which means if not losing interest now, soon one of you or both will lose interest in each other and leave or remain together and be unhappy.
A person with a drinking issue is never a good choice for a romantic partner.
I am sorry to hear that the new job and city didn't work out for you. If he was truly caring about being in a relationship and willing to move with you, a joint venture, he would have been the adult you were and plan all the details of the move, thats the adult thing to do. Instead he left it all to you. Which could mean several things, he is looking for a gal he likes reasonably well enough to have sex with but there's no really big passion there, because he is looking for a girl to take care of him, make all the adult decisions and take care of him. Looking for the mommy figure with sex.
Or, the drinking may indicate at something in his past, perhaps growing up, how he was raised, where how he was treated, or never allowed to learn to grown up, leaves him not only angry but emotionally and mentally crippled as an adult, unable to do the things that most adults need to do to live day to day and thus, he makes no decisions, or holds out to the last minute to make a decision once the work is all done.
You found a new job, did he? If he isn't working, you're not only carrying the decision making, but carrying things financially too.
I don't know if you are looking for just companionship for right now or if you are looking for a potential future marriage partner. If its just companionship, not marriage, it still deserves having someone who can carry their own weight, is able to be the adult, and willing to put lots of time into the relationship which is hard work. Happily ever after doesnt happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so.
As for gifts of flowers and such to show he cares or loves you, all people have different ways of what they will recognize as proof that someone loves them and have a particular way they want to show love. Giving of gifts is one, but I will put in a link for you to read up on the others.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This may come in handy for you in the future as I fear that there are too many things about the current guy that do not make him the best choice for boyfriend or husband material.
Go with your heart. You already want to bail it sounds like. If you don't, you'll be unhappy. You need a home to come to where the mate waiting for you is like that shelter from the storm of your world, when nothing else is going right, at least you are rejuvenated, bolstered up, encouraged, and loved in ways that charge you up so you can go back out ready to handle whatever the world has to throw at you. You need this and don't have it right now, at least not with him. Can he be that love, encouragement and shelter for you? Maybe, someday. But my ex's counselor in answer to my question how soon I might see improvement in him, told me that most people change very slowly if at all in their entire lifetime, perhaps making one major change and improvement before they die. I could not wait around for him to get there as this was an abusive relationship. If you believe you can live with him as is, with no improvement for the rest of your life, then go for it. But don't count on him changing. If improvements do come later, then its a wonderful, unexpected but happy surprise.
One last thing, it helps to know who you really are inside, like selling yourself for a job interview, only to be able to explain to guys you meet, who you are and therefore, what you need in a guy. A list of needs are criteria for a guy to meet that are not negotiable. If he can't meet these major points on your list, it's a deal breaker and you stop seeing him. I prayed after my divorce and in a dream Angels told me to make a list of what I was looking for in a guy, needs and wants. It was helpful to me to keep refering to it as I met guys, there were plenty I came across because I put up a dating profile. If you have any other related questions or want me to explain more about the list for finding Mr. Right, let me know by writing to my column, sending your mssg there. good luck dear!
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