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Caught between just friends and making transition to more?
I have had a long time friend for over 10 years now... but what we have is way more than that, just not sure what to call it. I met him on a blind date and we dated for about a month or so, we were in our early teens then. Not quite sure why we broke up, I'm assuming some stupid teenage reason. Every since then we've had times where we would go years without talking and then meet back up randomly and seems always on my Birthday, our birthdays are a week apart..We've always been on and off but have had really great chemistry and connection since we were young, and has only grown since we've become adults. It always seems like we are way more than friends, just really complicated? We have even done the talk more than once about remaining friends or going for an actual committed relationship. He is more than willing to talk about it, as we have pretty good communication BUT he seems to always show resistance when it comes to taking a step towards a relationship,we talked and I told him this has been going on for too many years we have to either remain friends or work towards a relationship. He's had kids too during the years. He knows I want a relationship, I called him out on being afraid of commitment. He says I scare him. He feels he will have to choose between me or his kids which I would not ever make him do, but the mother of his last two children he feels she will take them away. I told him he is emotionally unavailable, he says he's trying to open up more to me but I don't know. What is it keeping us from going further?
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You answered your own question, he's emotionally unavailable. What I'm not clear on is who has the kids most of the time if its shared custody. One or both of ex partners with children between them getting married, is no reason to lose custody unless perhaps the person they intend to marry has a criminal history such as child molester, etc. If he has real concerns, he can talk to a lawyer which I doubt he has done. If this is a real fear but he really wants to be with you, then he would research it. Sounds more like he's using it as an excuse. Plus you shared that he said you scare him. Either he doesnt want you coming into contact with his kids which you would if in a relationship with him and he fears you would not do a good job at being a step mom for whatever his reasons or perhaps he just doesnt want to share them with you, or fears they may like you more than him or some other such silly fear. If he is this full of fear and unwilling to face his fears head on, then he is not ready plain and simple to get involved with you. If you keep making yourself available and waiting for him as you always have been, he won't have an opportunity to experience a situation of you perhaps never being there for him ever again if you were to find someone else to marry. I don't know if it makes you seem desperate for him so he feels he can just keep you in limbo cus you'll never leave but there's a way to find out if you can shake up his emotions, causing him to grow up and face things like an adult and either say yes or no to you, not continuing with something in between. That would be to tell him you are not going to wait for him to get past any of his fears. He needs to take care of his issues and you are going to begin seriously looking for the man that you will hopefully marry. You would like him to be one of the candidates for you to chose from but he better not wait too long for you may choose someone else. Don't wait for the guy to chose you, take the role of power, you making the choice of whom you want for a serious BF/GF relationship that leads to marriage. This means, you actually would need to make that move to date others. Either, you'll discover that you were settling for less by waiting and hoping for him, and finding someone truly alot better, or you will discover you are not emotionally available to date any other guys in which case you would have to resign your future to possibly never being in a romantic relationship for the rest of your life as you wait and pine for him. It's your choice which you are willing to go for.
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