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Overreacting?
22/F boyfriend 23
So I am going to start off saying my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We don't get into big arguments and if we do its because I am so stubborn. we do not live together because I live at home and he has his own place. I am over thr every weekend and pretty much every day. So on Saturday my boyfriend told me he as going into town with his friends for a reunion party. I tell him ok have fun. I went out with my friends and went to his house at the end of the night. He never came home. I was being a crazy lady asking him where he was and when he would be home never answered me. The next morning I am texting all of his friends who he was with because I was worried. I was also really worried because about 3 months ago when he never came home he ended up in a motorcycle accident and was lucky to be alive. So I was kinda having flashbags from that night. Anyway I find out from a friend they stayed the night and got a hotel. Which was fine because I rather him not drive drunk. I am upset because I never got one text until mid morning. I confronted him and he told me that he didn't know I was going to his house so he didn't know I was going to be there. Somehow blamed it on me. Now it's a couple days later he never apologized and I have been kinda sad about it. He was at work today and I decoded I would make dinner for him because I haven't seen him. I spend 50.00 on groceries come over and I said what do you want to eat? He gives some face and I'm like what and he's like don't bother. And I was like why I just went shopping? And he's like my friend is coming over and we are ordering take out. Like I haven't seen him in 3 days and I am sad he doesn't want to spend time with me. What did I do? Am I bekng super dramatic. I was crying and I told him I wanted to spend time with him and he said that "I have been doing my thing and he's been doing his thing" it's been like 5 days... I don't understand. So now I sitting in his room while he is playing video games with his friend. I'm just really sad thank you for everyone who took the time to read this.
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The biggest problem here is a lack of communication. Not just that he failed to keep you informed of where he was that Saturday but where you both feel you are in this relationship.
It would help to know a little bit more about how you two met. If you met in college or at work, or if either one of you have been to college would also be helpful? The reason for these questions is that it gives insight to the maturity levels of the two of you; especially the male member of the problem.
Simply put the female of our species is up to a certain age is always going to be 2 years or older by maturity than the male. A male who has attended and graduated college will close this gap faster than one who has not.
The fact that your boyfriend wanted to spend some time with his male friends does not in itself show he is being in mature. Not answering your texts, even being drunk is wrong. Getting drunk is a sign of immaturity as well as a problem with alcohol. If he always drinks to excess which it appears is possible then he may be an alcoholic. An alcoholic is someone who has a problem with drinking and does not have to be someone who gets fallen down drunk every night.
You had every right to be worried and upset given he drove drunk and was almost killed in a motorcycle accident. His not seeing this is a sign of hi immaturity. Instead of distancing himself from you when you confronted him, he should have apologized.
Now I don't know how you confronted him and this could be part of the problem. The fact that he did not you would be at his house is a non-starter. Two people in a loving relationship worry about one another. He should have realized you would worry until he was safely at home in bed with or without you given the fact that he was going out drinking. A considerate and mature lover would have made sure to tell you when the decision to get a hotel room was made. If he was sober enough to make that decision he was sober enough to send a text.
The one and only reason he would have any right to be upset with you at all would be in how you confronted him when he finally came home. Since I wasn't there and you don't say what exactly you said. The only thing I can go on is the word "confront."
To confront someone is the start of an argument or is argumentative or to belittle someone. Depending on what is said. While he owes you a large apology for the worry he caused you. You may owe him an apology for how you confronted him.
This brings us back to communication. For any relationship to be successful there must be open communication between all parties. IF the only communication you two have is what you have in bed together than this relationship will not stand the test of time.
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Well it sounds like hes a bit immature if hes so stupid NOT to think that he should PROBABLY keep you updated on how hes doing beings he was just in a bad accident not too long ago. I also see though that since he DOES live on his own and you DONT live together that he might see things from the point of view that me doesnt think he should have to check in with you "every minute" as they say.
So i can see things from both sides here.
It sounds like theres not much communication going on about where you both stand on all of this and its something that needs to be done before i could give any further sound advice on this.
If hes giving you OBVIOUS attitude, then you know something is wrong and it needs to be addressed pronto, while your both together alone, and where you both feel you can talk honestly and openly.
Heres a couple things you could try: no matter what he says stay ABSOLUTELY CALM and poker faced while hes telling you what he thinks, any hints of what he might read on your face of being "overly emotional" can REALLY effect his willingness to continue to talk to you about how hes actually feeling and he'll shut down and you could ruin the whole conversation.
Also LET HIM TALK all the way through. He needs to know that your HEARING what hes saying and feels your really listening and processing everything. If you try this, you just might get the same in return when its your turn to talk.
next: Come at him with your reasoning being a sense of "just really worried because of his recent accident" and you were afraid there might be a repeat of what happened. Make it known that your only coming from a place of good intentions here, and that your not trying to smother him or be controlling at all and that he is absolutely still free to go out with his friends and do things, so long as you know ahead of time and dont accidentally try to plan something for the two of you without knowing.
Guys dont like overly controlling girls that expect their guy to "check in every minute". (((i grew up as a tom boy and ALL my friends were guys, they spoke freely around me because they were cool with me and vis versa))) One thing i know about guys is that if their gf is constantly trying to check on them, it looks bad on the guy and they will encourage the guy to NOT answer the girls texts or phone calls because their trying to spend time with him right now. Thats what could have happened here (not totally sure though).
dont forget to stress how heart sick you were after his accident and that you "thought something awful might have happened again thats all"
It is NOT WRONG of you to want to check on him at all, worry for his well being. Your a woman and your built to nurture and care for others even though at times it COULD come off as looking over protect or etc.
i hope you can get him alone and talk to him about this and get some real answers.
In the mean time leave the groceries at his place put them away, and leave the house. dont come back for a few days, dont see him unless he calls you first to talk about this issue, and when he walks into his kitchen and see's the things you bought he might just reconsider his actions when he see's how much thought you put into what you bought for him. If he doesnt see it when you talk next, then you should bring it up. the food will eventually run out and he will start to realize how good you were for him and that he could have just taken a moment to let you know everythings ok and he didnt need to act the way hes been acting.
good luck sweetie! ; )
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