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confliction between love career and family
Hi there I am a 23years old confused girl. I am in a relationship for 3.5years since I was doing my graduation. Then I got an opportunity in the most prestigious university of the country and I left my boyfriend back home and went far away in the university. My bf couldn't take it rightly. He got upset and when I used to feel lonely there and needed him to talk to me, he used to blame me and make things worst. Now I came back home for few months and he left for an remotely interior village for his job. My parents wants me to marry after getting a job. But I am waiting for a PhD in my town but it seems impossible as our county university doesn't have any professor of my field while my previous university (which is the no.1 university in country) is offering me a PhD. And now if I leave for the PhD from no.1 university i'll lose my bf's trust again as he wants me to stay with him. If I stay here with him I need to shift my dream career notion. And as per my parents wants me to prepare for civil services exams that I really don't want to sit for. I love academic line. What should I do? Please help... :-(
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Sometimes, we force ourselves in corners we're not supposed to be in because we mistake love for fear of not getting everyone's approval.
This can be attributed to the innate desire to belong which has been in a sociological construct also known as "tribalism."
I would suggest you ask yourself the following questions first. And I'm pretty sure, the answer you are looking for will present itself.
- How important do you think is your study and career and how do you see it fitting your life in the future?
- Would you be able to give up everything for it?
- (And I mean this with no offence ok?) Do you come from a successful home? - This would pertain to your parent's lifestyle and financial stability, and emotional stability. You also must take note whether the lives they are living is something they really preferred or was it just an answer to an ancestral heritage of being driven to what should happen with their lives.
- With the consideration of the bias and prejudice brought about by 3.5 years of being in a relationship, have you lied to being happy about everything? Or do you lie to make your partner happy?
- Would you be able to live a life of lie for the rest of your lives if ever you have you have lied to show that you are contented?
- Are you where you are supposed to be?
These are important factors that you should consider before making the decision. Whatever you do next would be a crucial step to your future, and I will tell you this in total certainty, your life will shift drastically.
And in that change, you will lose a lot which you will attribute to emotions.
Just remember, in order to make a sane decision, you must not include emotions. Decisions based on emotions are just instinctive reflexes. I would prefer that you rely on logic on this one.
Feel free to buzz me if you have questions.
Good luck.
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Likely, your parents want grandchildren and soon...if they are encouraging you to marry as soon as you get a job. But don't let that pressure you into changing any of your life plans, for what job you go after, or which guy you go after.
Something I want to point out to you is that both of you met while you were 19 going on 20. We may feel grown up at that point. I know I did and married at 20 and my choice in a guy was a disaster. The plain truth is that while our bodies develop starting in early teens, our pre-frontal cortex of the brain doesn't finish and become complete until mid 20's, but I have seen in my own kids that for some people, that time is closer to 30.
What does a few years matter? Well, when it affects a person's ability to maturely weigh outcomes, form good judgments and control impulses and emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. So that would explain his behavior of blaming you and generally acting immature instead of being understanding and supportive for you. You both also met at a time when you didn't have much relationship experience and then you have spent a good chunk of it apart, so I wouldn't count on the 3 1/2 year length of knowing him as a boyfriend to really mean anything as far as whether he still is the best person for you or whether you would be settling for less by changing your plans to be with him. And there is no guarantee that his brain has reached maturity yet. You may have at 23, but he may easily have 5 to 7 years to go yet.
Now, as for a job, few people get to have a job that they enjoy and find satisfying. Most take any job that will give them a comfortable living.
While the economy may have improved, what I see is a cost of living continuing to skyrocket higher than people can afford to make ends meet. A big added income these days is for home owners with an extra bedroom renting it out cus so many can't afford an apartment on their own. So if you have an offer already, then it looks like for you, it's a decision between an ideal job which would provide a comfortable income or love.
I did not say decision between job and boyfriend, because I am not convinced with as little as I know about both of you, whether it is truly a mature love. I don't know if he thinks he loves you, or is in love with the idea of having a girlfriend. Is he able to fully support you comfortably if you did not pursue the job outside of hometown? Would you be happy with giving that up? I would normally say, if two person are 100% sure that they have found their true love and soul mate for life, that both would do anything to be together which would include moving elsewhere so one can pursue an ideal job. If he is incapable of being supportive of you in the past and that is a character flaw that won't change with age, then you can expect more of the same and years down the road wondering why you stayed with him. He's a boyfriend....but can you say he is husband material and father material? There can be a big difference depending on what his idea of dating is and marriage is.
Another problem I see is in your words, dream career notion. Are you being truthful with yourself or lying to yourself? We all lie to ourselves at times when faced with something difficult to go through. Is this really just some fanciful Notion that will pass in time? If you have certain passions about thins in life and you find outlets in life, even in jobs where you can let your passions just flow from you, you will be exceptionally good at whatever you do, and better than anyone else who is doing the same because someone forced them to do it, or they settled for less, even in a job. We live in a modern time where a woman doesn't need to ditch all her plans to follow her boyfriend/husband around. Its a matter of happiness, and practicality. If he really loved you, and he had a job that he could easily find elsewhere, then he would want you to be happy and move with you to where you need to be. Is the boyfriend really the deal breaker for taking the job or the idea of what his possible reaction will be. Lets say he throws a big tantrum. Is his tantrum something that will cause you to turn down the Phd? This would mean that you make decisions in life based on what other people think, say and do. That is not the right way to live ones life. I hope you have the back bone to go after what you want, no matter what the parents or the boyfriends have to say or how loud they complain.
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