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Career or family...or am I being selfish?
My husband and I have been married for 13. He is an amazing man who has always put family before everything (we have two young sons, 4 and 6 years old).
We live nearly 4 hours from my parents (and my side of the family, including my brother and several cousins, aunts, and uncles--grandparents are deceased) and almost 5 hours from his parents (the rest of his family is spread throughout the US and other countries). He and I both grew up very close to family, only minutes away from relatives, and have tons of fond memories of family gatherings, surprise visits, stories, sleepovers, and more...and all I've ever wanted was for my own kids to have the same memories and experiences.
We've been living this distance from family for more than 8 years now because his career relocated us, so earlier this year we discussed taking steps for him to continue his career elsewhere so we may move "back home" within the next two years and our sons can forge the relationship with their grandparents and extended family that we had with ours.
Unfortunately, my husband threw me for a loop this weekend when he confessed he doesn't really want to move...and I just want to cry. He does have a great career with a great company, and he's advancing very well, so I can understand entirely where he's coming from there. But we had already shared our plans with our parents. I know that especially my parents will be crushed, and I haven't the heart to yet break the depressing news to our parents...or our sons.
I just don't know what to do. I was genuinely looking forward to moving, and now I'm so disappointed. And I know we should stay where the money and "security" are, but I believe our sons are missing out on what my husband and I had as kids...all because of money. I also understand that traveling more to see family is another option, but this is getting expensive, means less weekends for us at our own home, and yields constant bickering from family when they argue that it's their turn for a visit (yes, we've been dealing with that for years too). Due to the distance we only see family a few times a year right now...and currently we're being pulled in a few different directions in terms of what our parents and relatives want us to plan to do for Christmas this year, which always adds more stress to the holidays for us.
I know he will do whatever I ask--he has always put me and our sons first--but I also don't want him to then be remorseful towards or upset with me.
I am in such a predicament...
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I believe you need to take a more practical approach to this. For one thing two years is a long time and many things could change. To stress out over it not worth while at this time. You also need some at home time to make some family traditions of your own.
My son is all grown living on his own in another state. This is fine he is not all that far away but when holidays come around it is our home and the traditions he grew up on that at the moment he wants to continue. When he marries and has children there will be traditions he and his wife may want to start at home for their family and this will be fine with my wife and me.
We will travel to them when we are able to and your family can travel to you which you do not mention them doing. All the travel, expense and the upheaval is on you and your family. This is not right. If they are able to, from a health standpoint they can come to you once in awhile. If money is a problem then you can offer assistance if you want to.
As I see it see, based on your letter. You are being taken advantaged of if you are doing all the traveling. Roads run in two directions. Stay home this year and invite your parents and anyone else you might want to come to you. See what happens when offer to entertain them.
As for your husband giving up his job to move back home. at this time I have to say that is a bad idea. The job market for good high paying jobs while in recovery is still not back to pre-recession job market. The forecast is for the job market to continue to get better though it will do so slowly and may take another 4 more years or longer.
Now is not a good time to be looking to make a change unless it is absolutely needed. Remember anyone who changes jobs now is the last in. IF the economy tanks again, which is possible, last in, first out. Your husband has a good position where he is, he is moving up in the company. IF you weathered the last recession with this employer unscathed then you can hope to weather the next one should it happen.
My advice put any thought of asking your husband of quitting his job on hold for 18 months. See what the job market is back where you want to live. I have a feeling that at this time it is a combination of liking his job and the security of providing for his family that is on his mind at this time. If the economy changes for the good he may feel better about changing jobs 18 months from now.
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i have also been in this same situation. What i found really helped was to talk to him and tell him what youve told us.
I told my husband to MAKE it work and that we would NEVER abandon family because their all we have and its our childs only link to their blood.
I remember living far away from my family as a child and i felt lonely and isolated and like none of the adults cared enough to MAKE things work so that i could have a relationship with my cousins and after years of not being able to stay close to them and we're all grown, we've had to take these adults years to spend time together to basically just get to know what another better then we did as kids because we only got to see each other a couple of times a year as well. When we talk and get to laugh with each other and see just how much alike we are it is sooo heart warming.
So this is really something special that if you absolutely can make it work (speaking as a person who felt robbed as a child and starved for that family connection) please please, take whatever heat you have to from your hubby to make this happen. the kids deserve more, they deserve good, caring family in their lives, and most of all that human connection that nothing can replace no matter how hard you try.
((I never got to know any of my grammas, or grampas, i have two aunts i barely know, and one cousin that does everything he can to travel to see me from two hours away))
I only wish i could have got to "hear grammas or grampas stories" about "back in their day" lol. Or had older more responsible family members to guide me that i could have called a role model. their all dead now because too much time went by and no one cared enough to make things work and stay close.
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