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Regarding a message between my boyfriend and one of his friends
BF - "So, this may seem odd, but I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I came to terms with my bisexuality a few years ago... It took a long time because I was raised in a very "Bible Belt" southern baptist home. It was a big struggle and not many people know. Anyways, I am faced with a dilemma, I feel almost completely fulfilled with my girlfriend, and past girlfriends for that matter. But there is always that longing for a guy... But when I have dated guys it always feels as though something is missing specifically that they can't seem to be as emotionally involved. Generally all they want is sex... I really don't even know what I am trying to say or ask... Also I know we haven't really talked or hung out much if at all in the past... But I just kind of felt like you might be able to give me some insight."
FRIEND - "I honestly came from the exact same situation. Bible Belt, Christian/Conservative household. I had a really hard time accepting that I wanted to be with a woman because I was always told it was wrong.... My advice is to just try to personally truly come to terms with it before dating another guy. You'll never have that connection if you still somehow even POSSIBLY feel that it is wrong. If you feel fulfilled with your girlfriend, then just be with her. If not, maybe approach the idea of an open relationship or possibly a poly relationship. If you think she may be open to it. I don't know her, so it depends. Taylor and I don't share.... But if I ever felt the need to be with a man or vice versa, we would let the other rather than leave them. We just truly want the other to be happy.... Do you want the companionship or do you just enjoy the sex with men? Personal, I know. But it may help me to help you figure this out."
BF - "Well, I guess I want to be able to let go, to feel vulnerable and be able to be protected. I am by nature very effeminate but also very protective. I think maybe it's this duplicitous nature of my mind that plagues me so much. I enjoy sex with women and men. I love ****** to death and everything is fulfilled except my ability to be vulnerable to be the "woman" so to speak. Basically if ****** were a man every single need would be met... I am at a loss. I love her an would never want to lose her, but I worry that I may become unsatisfied years down the road."
That was a conversation between my boyfriend and his friend written January this year. He was dating another girl/referring to another woman in this message. He and I have been dating since February.
He had told me upfront that he was bisexual and of his few bisexual experiences with men/including sex. I did not accept it then and several months later, I am not comfortable with this side of him. Few times since we've been dating I found gay porn on his phone/first time I found it I was not looking for it. We've fought many times over this subject of him being bisexual.
I accept all him but this. I let myself accept him just a few days ago and had seen that I wasn't able to love him all this time because of that side of him. Except that day I was able to love him and I saw that he truly loved me. I'll always have those doubts that he will want for a man instead of me. He told me early on I was different than his other relationships because for the first time he did not want a man. He had also stated that I have a "manly" side to me and he believed that was why he felt as such. Today after he had left for a trip, I shamefully took the opportunity to search his messages/mainly looking for hook up messages from former sex companions whom he still has conversations with. I found nothing in that department. I just found this. I'm on a fence/ would it be in my best interest for my future to breakup with him due to the fact that he's a risk or because he's deep-down fantasying of men and staying with his girlfriend because he's more comfortable with a woman and not entirely sure on how he feels for men? He has told me that he wanted to marry me. Which confuses me more. Could I be all that he needs? Be the "protector", let him cry on my shoulder when he needs to. I don't think that's what I want, I like being the vulnerable one. I like laying my head on his chest with his arms wrapped around me. There have been times when he tried to lay on my chest and I had him move up and switch. I once was with a woman. I know what it feels like to be the dominant one and what it feels like to hold a my significant other. If that was what I wanted I would be with a woman. I chose to be with a man because he's a man. I need him to be the man. Bisexual man is another gender in its self/ being with a bisexual man that is. I know the decision is ultimately up to me, it's very hard to make up my mind. To conclude, I need another standpoint. I fear relying on my senses will come to a decision I may regret.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It seems like you two want different things out of the relationship. Personally, I see a lot of gray area in who is vulnerable and who is a protector. I imagine that the situation can switch from time to time, depending on who feels the need to have someone strong to lean on. If you can't become all right with this kind of situation and your looking for a relationship that's long term, I would think about walking away. This is for his benefit as well as yours, because he needs someone that's comfortable with the kind of person he is.
If you can live with occasionally compromising by occasionally being the strong one, I would stay with it. Regarding him being a risk, I think everyone is a risk in one way or another. It's highly unlikely that you'll find someone perfect for you because we're all just too different. Waiting around for the one person you have no issue with could cause you to lead a very lonely life.
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It's good then that you did ask for advice of others. I am straight but have known many gay or bi-sexual people and also lots of poly-amorous people.
One thing I can say I've learned is that people in those situations need a partner who is okay with who they really are. 100 % okay, no giving it a try and see how you'll feel. Imagine if straight people were the minority and you lived in a world where all the gay, transexual, bisexual, polys, etc... were telling you that your choosing to be straight is wrong and you should change to be like them.
I can tell right now, most humans are predictable and would have issues with someone assuming you are choosing to be straight. Go on and ask yourself right now..."Did I choose to be straight only because my parents are and my friends parents and that's all I know? I bet you know you are straight because you were born that way, you didn't Choose it.
Adopted children being raised by a gay couple, do not turn out Gay just because their legal parents are. But they will at least have a healthy respect of, and understanding and acceptance of those who have different sexual preferences.
I used to attend church and was taught being gay is a sin. Do we honestly think that as Great as God is, that He is more concerned with what ethnic foods we eat, how we choose to dress, the genre of movies or books we like to read and our choices regarding sexuality? Hon, those are just all the trimmings of life, it's your soul he is concerned about. God gave free will to all and will not take it back away because He knows theres a better path for someone. God has eternity to wait for a soul to mature and get it right. So however they mess up in one lifetime, doesnt matter as much as their learing to love others like he does. All souls on this planet right now are our sisters and brothers. It's our spiritual family, related through our creator and its so vast a family, we'll never get to know them all personally. But those who we come into contact with, need to be treated with love.
If you find yourself unable to love this guy totally as he is, you have every much a right to not be ready to accept that. You can choose to be anti bi and gay for the rest of your life and thats who you are and where you are at in your personal soul journey. It's like living at grade levels for souls. If I am in 6th grade and your soul is in 1st grade, I can't expect you to understand what I know. That all said, and I don't mean to sound mean, but what you do not have a right to do is tell him to change for you, to pretend to be something he is not and to pick fights over it. Please let him go. It doesn't matter that he has asked you to marry him. If you both got married, you wouldn't be married long anyhow so why bother and both subject yourself to that kind of grief. He needs to find another girl who has all your attributes and personality that he likes but has the one thing you can't give him, acceptance and support in who he is.
He admitted he is an effeminate man. Besides that fact that you like many things about him, how long have you been with him compared to a couple decades or a lifetime. If marriage is to last, you have to be a perfect match in all things not 75 % OR even 90%. The problem is, many people choose marriage every day with someone who is not 100% perfect for them. I am not being unrealistic...There will always be some minor differences where there is some give and take and compromising needing to be done. But there are major life issues two people must be in total agreement on before marriage otherwise you'd be settling for less. LOOK out for those deal breakers like: if you want kids but he never wants them, you're one religion and he is not yours and wont ever be, you're straight, he's bisexual. It's those big deal breaker issues that cause havoc in a relationship. It will be like living in a pressure cooker, give it enough time and even just One major difference will have its chance to break up the marriage.
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