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whether to break up or not
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years but I still feel like he doesn't trust me. He asks me the same question again and again as if I had lied.
He was previously engaged and she cheated on him multiple times, I just don't think he trusts me all because of her.
He's great, but he also yells so easily and he doesn't trust me. I just, i'm so torn.
Oh, and on top of that-- We live 4-5 hours away from each other.
THanks
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Hi, I'm MadameFrappe and I am going to give you the best, truthful and thoughtful answer I can give to you.
If your boyfriend doesn't trust you and you've been together for almost two years maybe you two should talk about the concerns your having in your relationship. Tell him that you know his previous girlfriend cheated on him and you know he probably has some trust issues... tell him that he CAN trust you,and that you would NEVER do anything to hurt or sadden him. Make sure that he knows you love and care for him.
Living far away from someone you love can be really challenging. Make a plan for times you could meet each other halfway and hang out. Or, if the two of you are thinking about tying the knot (getting married) maybe you could talk about finding a good house for the two of you.
I hope this helps you! :) please ask me if there is anything else you ever need. I may be a stranger...but I am always looking for ways to help people. So in a way... I can be like your best friend who can give you the advice you need.
Love, MadameFrappe
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Distance does not always make the heart grow fonder and may be behind his trust issues. If you cannot close the distance between you which I believe might help him with his trust issues. The the alternatives are:
1) One someone loses their trust in people it is hard to find again on their own. This is also probably a part of his problem with his quck temper. Suggest to him he seek out a psychologist for some hel with these problems. Talk therapy with someone wjo will listen and knowing whati said goes no further can be ver helpful. He has been hurt by his ex znd needs help healing.
2) The alternaive is to leave him. If you love him and feel he is someone you can build a life with then urge him to seek help. If his employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) the program will find a therapist for him and pay for a certain number of appointments in full. If more are needed his health insurance will pay a portion.
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Under normal circumstances, 2 yrs to get to know you well enough to trust you, is enough time for him. Being that you are 4-5 hrs apart, my concern is you both not having enough time in each others presence for trust to build. LDRs who've never met in person and don't already have a trust previously, also find it extremely hard to build trust. That is something for a relationship where you can spend time 24/7 getting to know each other and trust. So it your case, weekend meetups may not be enough for him to have gained trust. If you see each other less than the 4 weekends a month, it even worse. It's more like a fling but no lasting relationship building stuff in it. It may seem great to you but thats how human are, they need the consistency for it to even have a chance to work.
Now a comment on your statement:He's great, but he also yells so easily
If a person can not control their emotions and easily succumb to anger causing them to yell alot, it points to possible issues within him that would mean he is Not great. Being great and yelling too easily do not go hand in hand.
Thats like saying your dog is a great pet but is prone to attack people easily and doesnt trust you either so it attacks you. Dog's that attack and injure people, get put to sleep. That doesnt make it a good pet anymore than this guy hurting you emotionally by yelling and not trusting makes him a great guy.
He is not ready for a relationship is he can't get over his issues which are more than trust and an anger problem. What is actually deep inside him that causes his anger issues? It may be something he's experienced growing up, abuse perhaps, an angry father, drunk or druggie parents that abused or neglected him so he already has a chip on his shoulder. It could be a hundred different things but if he hasn't been able to come to peace with whatever in his past/even other than this cheater fiancee, then he needs the help of a professional to get over it. That means counseling.
I am not saying a person can't have a day where they are really stressed and might raise their voice a bit even yell once in a while. We're human. But constant yelling, prone to it easily is a glaring red neon sign telling you that there are other issues and staying with him, it won't improve, marrying him, you'll wish you hadn't.
Don't settle for less. Do not marry any man who isn't able to agree that he does have a problem with "whatever it is you bring up to him" and agree to go to a counselor. Then you wait to see if the counseling has changed him. You give a guy plenty of time with and around you in person , live, so you can see how he handles things, his moods when he is extra tired, sick, happy, stressed, sad or angry. Then you will really know his true character. Right now, I doubt you truly know his character.
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