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confused!!
So I've been talking to this guy over the phone (texting) and he's a good friend of my best friend! He told me he likes me and I really like him too!I haven't met him in ages but heard a lot about him from my friend! Now he wants to date me... We talk often and I think he wants a committed relationship just like me! How do I make sure that he wants the same?
I've met him previously! He's shy! He is going away for his masters to Europe next month for a year! I asked him how do I get to see him and he asked me if I'm okay with Skype relationship for a year !I think if it survives long distance, it's the real test! I have problems initiating conversation with him! Is that bad? Do relationships work if it's long distance? Please advice :)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I will describe the drawbacks for a LDR and you can decide for yourself if that will work for you. I wouldn't call it bad, but it is no where near what a real face to face relationship is as far as being able to learn in depth things about the person, you can read or hear his spoken words but will lack the closeness of being in person for him to be able to back up those words....words are cheap, actions speak louder. There is also a lack of ability to gain trust. Until proven guilty, of course we are going to trust someone. But our minds play tricks on us. How do we really know they didn't go out with friends to that party and actually meet someone they really liked and were attracted to. Then we wonder whether our significant other is torn between two people and lonely and going after the one that is conveniently present in the flesh rather than the one who is at the other end of the computer or phone line long distance.
Another pitfall of LDR's is over imagining what things will be like with that person. So far, you've only met in person once or twice and most of what you know is by phone calls. The parts of a relationship that you can't experience because all you have is phone calls or going into an LDR will be filled in by your mind for now in what I call theatre of the mind.
What you see and get on screen is a flat one dimensional thing, its too easy to misrepresent or lie and its hard for example to know what the person is like 24/7 when sad, angry, worried, happy and knowing whether you can handle that. There is no opportunity to experience life together and build trust , experiences you have solid proof of by going through together. ON Line, you can only suspect trust having been broken but cant know for sure. LDR's are mostly nothing more than a fantasy in ones mind. The mind imagines and fills in the gaps of what it can not experience in real life. Thus I call it theater of the mind.
People who have had a relationship in person for some time, enough for it to be a solid relationship before one takes off for school or service in the armed forces, have a better chance of making it through an LDR because the LDR is just a short portion of time in an already established working relationship where both are deeply in love with each other, so its actually a good thing, a way of them keeping in touch and helps the time apart to go by better than without any type of contact.
In your case, a relationship hasn't been established yet. Having contact thru the long distance thing for a year is really nothing more than putting the start of exploring a dating relationship on hold.
I can understand wanting a commited relationship. Good for you! But I'd like to give you some perspective there compared to where you are at right now. You want to make sure he is interested in a committed relationship. So first lets check what our definitions of a committed relationship are. Is a committed relationship in your mind, one where he has asked you to date him? To me, a committed relationship is not the next stage after being attracted to someone and realizing you like them. That kind of 'liking' is based on looks and surface level things you can pick up on about the other person. That is not the kind of liking in dating where you keep discovering more things about the person and all you find, makes you develop stronger feelings for each other until you discover you both love each other. That's when you move to the next stage, a committed relationship.
In the dating stage, you may discover too many bad personality traits that lay hidden, things you wouldnt put up with...like for instance, a guy who hasn't grown up totally, is more like a little kid wanting to find a girl who'll be his mommy and take care of him. I dont care how good the sex is, a guy who can't handle or wont handle adult responsibilities and leaves it all up to the female, is not pulling his weight in the relationship. this is something you wont begin to notice until in a dating relationship. Sometimes a thing like that won't be discovered until the next stage, the committed relationship, many of which have the couple living together, married or not. It's here where nothing can remain hidden any longer. In my opinion it is at this stage that the worst heart break occurs having to break up because of the bad things when your heart is already so attached. Dating is only a way of finding out if a person might be right for you or not. If not, take what you learn and improve on it in the next relationship.
You dear, have not got a dating relationship with him yet. All you two have established is an interest in getting to know each other better, an attraction. You can not skip the dating stage and have a committed relationship. People can speak the words and promise commitment to each other, yes, but the reality is that emotionally, neither of them were there yet. That means no matter how good intentions are, too many things can go wrong, and it is too easy for one or both of the people in an in person or LDR relationship to drift away, and find interest in another person. That is where people think cheating is happening. I say its a matter of giving ones word for commitment out of ignorance, not understanding they are skipping a stage.
If you want commitment, you are going to have to put the dating on hold for a year, then when he gets back start dating to find out if he is someone you can picture yourself with until the day you die. If there are too many area's you find he is not perfect for you, those things about him will eventually get old real quick after some time goes by in a commited relationship. Never settle for less. Its the ones who do who end up feeling stuck in a relationship going no where, unsatisfied, and wanting out or too chicken to ask for out, and start cheating.
Once you've dated a substantial amount of time to have a pretty good idea of who he is and fall in love with him, that's when you move to committed relationship.
Sometimes a relationship can happen when the two people finally have the opportunity to be together in person after a long distance correspondance. I wish you the best. If its meant to be, it will happen.
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