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My husband wants one or more of his exes to vent to about me!
Well me and my husband got into an argument over him telling his sister that I don't do anything and don't want to go anywhere. Well then he says at least you've got some one to vent to.(talking about me to his sister). After she left he said it wasn't fair that he can't vent/ talk shit about me. So I said you have friends. And he was like I don't want to talk to guys about it. He said he wants to hit up one of his exs so that he can complain about me to her. I said no and he practically begs to talk to them. Just girls and he has either had sex or sex acts with them am I wrong for telling him no?
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You have several possible issues here.
1. He may be trying to find a plausible reason to be hanging out with ex lovers. He may not have that kind of chemistry with you after all and wish to get it elsewhere.
2. Wanting to vent about negative issues he has with you, is not going to make the issues that get him angry enough, go away. Wanting a 'right to vent' is not wanting the right thing. He and you should be wanting to see a marriage counselor and see if these are minor issues that can be worked out between you both. If not, there is not future for the relationship and the two of you would do better to find yourselves a new partner that you are happy with all the time.
3. He may be a perfectionist, or have unreal expectations in the relationship.
4. He may have some form of mental disability, slight enough to not have been caught yet, but it's enough to throw this kind of havoc into a relationship. Seeing a counselor, again here would be the solution.
5. What goes on between you should remain between you unless one of you has permission to share a story about you with others. Any talk with others right in front of you or behind your back that is complaints, belittling, demanding, correcting and disciplinary in words is disrespectful and there is no trust that can be built between you. Things need to be worked out fairly without blaming and accusations. In our 20's we haven't always figured that out yet, how to do so, a good reason for a counselor. Without trust, you'll have a miserable marriage.
Sometimes it takes much longer for one person to mature mentally than the other. But for most people, they have mature bodies in their teens, but the brain isn't fully mature yet, not done growing. Its the prefrontal cortex I'm talking about. You can look it up on line. It isn't until the mid 20's on that a person finally comes to full maturity (brain wise) and therefore is able to make better decision and understand and foresee possible consequences of their plan or behavior. I am guessing he must be your age or a few years older. This means he still has lots to learn about how to be a loving supportive male in a relationship. Most people do not have the benefit of having parents who weren't without their relationship problems or perhaps there was no father growing up. Its understandable if he doesnt know. But it is totally negligent if He doesn't admit he doesn't know all and needs help and then makes the adult decision to do so. Again I am speaking of a relationship/marriage counselor. This husband of yours sounds like he's acting still like a little kid, not ready to be a man. You are not wrong for telling him not to.
But an immature thing like him isn't likely to respect your wishes if you say no. He's not respecting you in your relationship.
I don't know if you are without serious issues yourself. It's hard to see that in ourselves. But no matter what he has issues with about you, you can improve, and so can he. The problem comes when one or both are unwilling to admit they can always learn something more, be taught, or corrected if need be, open to change, teachable and trainable. If that is the issue and isn't overcome, your situation will never improve and may get lots worse.
There may come a point in time when the one of you who is smarter realizes the other is holding the relationship back and holding themselves back personally. It will mean you have come to a dead end in the relationship. Staying is fruitless as neither of you is growing as a person. We can find some of our best challenges in life to grow and become a better person by being in a marriage. Can't say a marriage will be without issues...but there are fair playing rules for how to go through your challenges together and you both need to learn that if there is a chance for the marriage to survive. sEE a counselor. If he won't go, yOU go. Hopefully it will help you see if there is anything more you can do or whether to cut your losses and leave him.
Hope this helps you dear. Good luck.
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I think your husband is being childish. Yes everyone needs someone to vent to but not in a manner that would hurt someone else. In this case that would be you. Going to an Ex to vent about his wife sends singles that can be misinterpreted by the Ex which can open up other problems between you and your husband; as unintended as he may intended them to be.
Tell him you have no problem with him finding someone to want to. You are just fortunate enough to have a sister; he does not have a sister or brother to vent to so he needs to find a friend he can trust.
Under no circumstances should you be or will you be comfortable with him going to an Ex and tell him why. Tell him it sends the wrong message to the ex which is not fair to you or her. Ask him if that what he really wants? That is what you say to him.
A good friend is more than someone to drink beer with and watch ball games with. A really good friend can be a brother by another mother. Someone you can trust with your wife and your life in that order. This is the person you can confide in.
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I'm all for people being friends with their exes - when it's a healthy, mutual friendship, but that is NOT what your husband seems to be asking for.
He's asking to make contact with women he used to sleep with so he can complain you. And that not okay. It's not respectful of you, or of those other women! He is basically suggesting using them, without them really knowing what is going on. That is really mean-spirited. If they aren't his friends anymore than they don't care about his problems with his wife - and if they do, that's a bit of a red flag.
Everyone needs friends and confidants, but he should not need those friends and confidents to be his exes! He needs to make healthy connections with people, maybe family, or maybe new friends, but going back to his exes only for the purpose of having someone he can bitch about his wife too? That's not okay.
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