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How do I know what's best for myself?
21/f
My friends and family members tell me things that makes it hard for me to decide what's best for myself.
e.g. "You deserve someone who can give you want you want want what you need," "I think you're going to get hurt in the end unless you leave now," "I think he's manipulating you, you're the side until he finds what he wants," "he's going to tell you what you want to hear so you'll stay," "I don't think he truly cares for you," etc.
I can't help but keep thinking that they may see something that I'm not seeing and I'm constantly trying to search for something that may be wrong with him or what's wrong in the relationship that makes them say that. I've spoken to the guy I'm dating and he's been working on himself for us but now I'm starting to think, is it true? Is it really all just an act until he finds what he wants? Should I really leave?
It's hard to decide what to do when these people don't even know him. They don't even talk to him. They may have seen him once or twice but they don't know anything about him. How do I know what is the best thing for myself, if I can't see what's going on because I'm so oblivious? How can I open my eyes to all of these things that these people are saying and actually see what he's doing? Is he really playing mind games or is does he truly care for me? How can you tell? How can you sound out other people's opinions so I can hear my inner voice?
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Along with those statements made by people, did they give you any examples of things they observed him doing or saying that support their statements? Otherwise, they are basing what they say only on feelings, or their senses. Unless they are all psychics with very good ESP senses, you can't count on just what they sense or feel.
They are doing you a disservice by telling you that there are negative things about him, reason to stop being in relationship with him, but not teaching you and show you how to see what they are seeing for your self. Cus you are going to need to know these things to use in carefully scrutinizing the next person you date.
There is so much to cover in what makes a good partner that I can't begin to start here. The same goes for traits that will hurt or kill a relationship or at least hurt you.
I can add to the example of what they have said that you gave:
You are who determines what you need and want. I tell young girls to make a list of what they need in a guy and what they want. A need is something he must meet on your list or its a deal breaker if he can't. Like wanting kids someday. If you do and he say no, thats a deal breaker, you can't hope that a person will change. A list of wants is the icing on the cake, not a deal breaker but would be terrific to have. Lets say you like a guy with long hair and he doesnt like his hair long, you'll still consider him. You want things like how he treats and values women on the list, along with the kind of temperament of the guy. If you're chatty and out going you want someone alike, good to have some who is easy going and laid bad, consistant in how they act under all circumstances because that will show you who a guy is at core, he will not waver from his beliefs and values just because of the unexpected or the stress the day brings.
Manipulating you. Its hard to see until you look back later. Manipulating has to do with the guy wanting to get his way all the time, it's always his idea where to go eat, what movie you will watch and conversation twisted if you question him or ask for a chance to decide on something for once and he tries to make you feel scared or ashamed for daring to question his good decisions to take great care of you... theres more to it but thats an example.
If you're on the side...it means he is playing the field, always searching for someone better. If he thinks he has found her, he'll dump you without a thought for your feelings. A guy could have unreal expectations for Any female, be a perfectionist. And he;ll end up going through females like he goes through socks, always changing them, looking searching for something better but have no clue what he's looking for. How can you know that he's not out looking? Does he crave being around you, even wanting to spend time with you, doing the mundane, like chores and errands because he enjoys being seen with you, cus life is more fun experienceing it with you. He tells you often not just that he loves you but tells you exactly what things about you that he loves. He goes furtther than just saying it but shows his love in doing special deeds, giving gifts, quality time, the words of affirmation, things like that... Yes some people tell you what you want to hear. Question him about what he says to you. "I'm busy this weekend. Can't see you. gotta study. But I cant stay away from you long, so I'll see you Sunday." Sounds great. But what if he's got a day long date with another chick. You instead ask, "Studying doesnt take all day and night. Tell you what. I'll just show up at your place on Saturday and bring some surprise makings for a lunch...You still have to eat if youre studying. I'll bring a book to read to stay out of your hair. But if the studying gets kinda stressful, I'd be handy to give you a little neck and shoulder rub. Then as soon as you're done, I'm there and we can visit. I want to be in your presence cus I love you. Thats good enough for me, I wont need your full attention.
A guy in love with you, devoted to you and not playing games, is going to love that and respond to it and say, Okay, sure come on by. I love you too. But if he has other not so nice plans, he will insist you dont come over, might lose his cool and get upset. Dont accept things he tells you at face value. Assume that there may be one rotten apple at the bottom of the bushel until this man has consistantly proven himself to be truthful, trustworth and in love with you. There's nothing wrong with digging through those apples til you get to the bottom of the bushel. If nothings rotten, now you can relax. However if in the digging by questioning or coming up with alternative plans to what he says, and not accepting his words at face value until you know you can trust him, if something fishy comes up, something he cant explain or account for and the love and wanting to be with you is missing, then yeah, he's only sharing what he thinks will make you happy enough to not question anything he does.
You've spoken to him--he's working on himself. Okay that tells me there are character faults. What are they dear? I may be able to tell you how serious they are, what to look for signs he's getting better, what is a coverup and whats signs he's not getting better, just a play acting.
Don't leave him because others say to. You leave when you are sure and have discovered for yourself that there are enough harmful character traits in him to make it not worth pursuing him.
Don't get caught settling for less because you have feelings for him. Way too many women, myself included have felt love for a man who treated them badly or abused them. They dont deserve our love. And you can't fix a guy by staying with him. Took me 30 years to figure out he wasn't getting better but worse.
I am glad you mentioned wanting to hear your inner voice. Its that feeling of nerves in your tummy, not feeling quite settled or believing him when something happens. Its your senses telling you something isn't Kosher. You will need to learn how to rely on and recognize your own 'female intuition'. All women have it, not all have learned to hear it and heed it..
I'd like to help more but I will need to know more.
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